Jocularious.com

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

We’re Supposed To Be Productive During The Quarantine, So I’m Fixing the US Map

The United States is the sloppy roommate of First World countries. Look at our map. It’s a disaster. Whoever drew it was obviously high on “magic” mushrooms. I should know. I live in Eugene.

Our western states are okay, with the possible exception of Idaho’s “panhandle,” but we’ll let that go, because the rest of the country is a hot geographical mess.

Here are our most delinquent states –

Oklahoma.

I can let Idaho’s panhandle slide, but Oklahoma’s panhandle is completely out of control. It makes Oklahoma LOOK LIKE A POT. (Do you understand? Not a pan. A pot!) It’s a “pothandle.”

Do us all a favor, Oklahoma. Chop it off and give it to Texas.

Michigan.

This state is a geographical Frankenstein. Michigan has what is colloquially referred to as the “U.P.” or Upper Peninsula. It’s not even attached!

It should be part of Wisconsin. Or, hell, just give it to Canada. (If they’ll take it).

Mississippi.

Mississippi ranks last in every statistical category, with one exception. It’s first in “Lack of Dignity.” Why? It lets Louisiana punk it by occupying half of Mississippi’s rightful coastline!

This is an outrage. I am hereby calling on all Mississippians to pick up arms and seize possession of their coastal waterfront. A few hundred causalities are a small price for Mississippians to regain their dignity. (Send your teenagers to fight. It’s not like they’re in high school.)

(Now that I notice it, you need to get your act together too, Alabama!)

Florida.

It time to cut off this unsightly appendage. It makes our country look weird, and it’s been nothing but a pain in the a** for decades.

Forget the fact that they are incapable of properly filling out a ballot. From a Freudian perspective, Florida is the genitalia of the United States. And, frankly, it makes us look sexist. The Saudis are always buying ostentatious crap. Sell it to them. Let them worry about being eaten by a crocodile – OR, more likely, the Disney Corporation.

Rhode Island.

Rhode Island’s borders are fine. I really should not have even included it here. But look at it –

It’s NOT an island. They’re lying to us. We should force them to change their name to Rhode. I feel VERY strongly about this. I grew up on the west coast and attended Alsea Elementary School, so I only recently found out it wasn’t an island. We simply cannot allow this pipsqueak state to pull this fast one on the nation any longer.

Vermont and New Hampshire.

These states should merge. Then it would be a nice, normal, rectangle-shaped state.

We could name it “New Corona.” This would remind us that, yes, this virus did devastate our country and drop us to our knees financially, but at least it gave us the opportunity to right this geographical wrong.

Finally, there is the BIG problem of –

MARYLAND!

Do I even need to say it?

Why in Sam Hill does Maryland have a rat tail sticking out toward the west? I’m sorry, but this is an enormous, stinking elephant in our geographical living room. It’s high time we confront it. This is land that West Virginia should be polluting.

Here is our New and Improved Post-Corona Map –

Now, that I’ve finally gotten this off my chest, I’ll let you get back to your productive quarantine activities. You may now resume binge-watching Tiger King.

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

And subscribe! It’s free!

It’s a “Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.”

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

The Top Ten Things You Need To Do To Prepare For The End of Quarantine

Good news! Pretty soon your exhausting schedule of getting up at 10 a.m., eating ice cream straight from the container and pondering how many days it’s been since you last showered will come to an end. Now is the time to prepare for your transition back to the “New Normal.” You may be wondering what the “New Normal” will look like. Media pundits are saying this is a very difficult question. I’ve given this a great deal of thought. Here is the answer: Exactly like the “Old Normal.”

Here are the things you need to do to prepare to reenter the “Old Normal.” (Print this list and tape it to your refrigerator):

Number Ten: Stop drinking before noon. (5 p.m. for you “go-getters”). I know it’s been a few weeks, and you may have forgotten, but normal people don’t drink during the workday. I’m sorry.

Number Nine: Set your alarm for 10 a.m. Then keep setting it back another 15 minutes a day. You’re not in college. It’s time to get your a** out of bed before noon.

Number Eight: Cut back on the time you spend watching cat videos each day to three hours. Yes, I do know they’re amusing. Yes, I know this is asking a lot.

Number Seven: Reduce your number of Facebook posts each day to ten. I am NOT disagreeing with you – The photographs of EACH AND EVERY one of your meals IS fascinating. How about this compromise – You can tell your friends what you had for breakfast during your morning break. (You can even show them pictures of your omelet on your phone.) They’ll be riveted.

Number Six: Sit down with your cat and explain how much you appreciated his willingness to let you remain in his home during the day. When you do this, remember that your cat’s expression of complete indifference is his way of telling you he loves you.

Number Five: Yell over your belly and down to your toes that you hope to be able to see them again in four to six weeks.

Number Four: STOP. GRAZING. ALL. DAY. (Truth be told, this should probably be steps one through ten).

Number Three: Reacquaint yourself with a product you may have forgotten. It’s called “deodorant.”

Number Two: Brush your teeth.

Number One: Watch a YouTube video explaining how to let out your pants – AND GET TO WORK! You’ve got A LOT of sewing to do!

I wish you all the best of luck. I am confident that if you follow these simple steps, you’ll slide smoothly right back into the “Old Normal.”

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

And subscribe! It’s free!

It’s a “Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.”

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

Milo the Dog Makes Plans to Survive the COVID-19 Crisis

Fearing the worst, Milo the Dog took a moment from licking his privates to draw up a contingency plan to survive the COVID-19 crisis. Here are a few takeaways:

1. “First things first,” said Milo, “dogs can’t contract the coronavirus. So at least there’s that.” He continued, “Apparently, cats can get COVID-19.” “Good luck, Oliver!” he added with a grin.”

2. “Am I depressed? Am I a little off my game? Of course, I am. I bet I haven’t shoved my snout in an unsuspecting stranger’s crotch in the past three weeks. Welcome to life in my ‘new normal.’”

3. “I’m currently staying with my owner’s father in Eugene. They say that people who are over 60 are the most at risk. Well, he’s 59 ½, so close enough. Plus, he looks like he’s entering his ninth month of labor – with twins. Based on what I see him scarfing down each day (Does this guy EVER skip meal?), he’s probably prediabetic. What I’m trying to say, is that if he drops dead and I get trapped in the house, there’s going to be some good eat’n. I’m not saying I would take any pleasure in it, for obvious reasons. The main reason being that I can’t open the refrigerator door. You know what that means? No barbeque sauce! I’d have to eat that fat bastard dry.”

4. “Thankfully, the toilet is full, so I’m good for water. If need be, I think I can manage to push down on the lever with my paws.”

Milo summed up his plans as follows: “Food? Check. Water? Check. Dreaming of Oliver the Cat being stricken with the virus and being placed on a cat-sized respirator? Check.”

With his COVID-19 crisis planning completed, Milo was finally able to return to his business at hand –

Licking his privates.

Could you do me a favor?

Please comment and share!

And subscribe! – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Rules for the College Playground

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Study Finds People Who Subscribe to Humor Blogs are Smarter, Richer and Better Looking

A newly released research study conducted by Harvard scientists has found that people who subscribe to humor blogs are 77% more likely to be smarter, richer, and better looking. As a bonus, the study also notes that subscribers have fresher breath.

In a magnanimous effort to be fully transparent with you, my loyal readers, I need to make one disclosure:

I no longer have my copy of the actual study.

This is due to a tragic circumstance beyond my control: Milo the Dog ate my copy of the article. No, I am not making this up. Milo ate the article. As a result, you’re going to have to either try and find a copy of this study on your own, or better yet, take my word for it.

That’s Milo in the picture above. He’s on the left looking guilty. (His cousin, Melvin, is on the right.

Some of you may be mildly suspicious of my claim. I understand your skepticism. Readers have reported to me that they cannot find this study. And frankly, this concerns me, especially, because they say this in a tone that implies I’m lying. I am NOT lying. The reason this study has gone missing is obvious. You’ve probably already guessed it. Yes, one word: China.

Red China has had it out for freedom loving humor writers since the Communist Revolution. Why did you think they created all those reeducation camps? Let me put it this way. The People’s Republic wasn’t exactly encouraging a lot of belly laughs within those barracks.

Look people, I am not saying that humor blog subscribers are smarter than the average Josephine. Harvard Educated Scientists are saying it.

Take this simple quiz to find out if you should be subscribing to a humor blog –

1. Are you smarter than the average ignoramus you’re forced to deal with on a daily basis?

2. Are you better looking than the average slob with a face like a ham sandwich.

3. Are you richer (or would you be richer if it weren’t for all the international conglomerates and “insider” currency manipulators) than the average Dollar Store clerk?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, you are a narcissist and should be heavily medicated. The good news is that you are also the PERFECT person to subscribe to a humor blog.

But the question then arises.

Where can I find a humor blog?

Got a moment?

Please do me a favor and comment and share!

Also, consider subscribing – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness –

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

Nothing Says Quarantine Like Polishing Off A Full Quart of Ice Cream

All of this “sheltering in place” is getting a little old. Mental health experts recommend finding a goal to accomplish during this time. For example – Reading books you’ve had trouble finding time for. Studying a foreign language. Crocheting a blanket. As it turns out, my goal appears to be putting on 20 pounds.

In my zeal to achieve my goal, I may be overdoing it. In fact, I’ve decided to implement a hard and fast rule to keep myself under control: I am strictly limiting myself to a MAXIMUM of four meals a day. And yes, I have been enforcing it.

Not to brag about being an overachiever, but I’ve decided to accomplish a second goal (to work on between meals). This is to invent a million dollar product and appear on Shark Tank. I’m employing a tried and true principle of product development: “Finding a need and filling it.” Of course, this is easier said than done. All the really good products that I might have been able to develop in my garage during the next few weeks have already been taken – the crescent wrench, bullet trains, the Flowbee haircutting system. I found myself stuck.

UNTIL TODAY!

Before you read any further, you have to promise not to rip off my idea. Okay?

[I’m serious! Stop reading NOW if you don’t agree to keep my genius invention strictly confidential. This is LEGALLY BINDING people!]

Here it is –

You are familiar with the “beer koozie”? This is that soft foam sleeve that you put a can of beer into to keep it cold? (It’s essentially a beer overcoat.) Well, as I was laying on the couch eating ice cream straight from the container (as I am apt to do), my hand was heating up the outside of container. This was causing, literally, a major meltdown. So, yeah! You got it! A koozie for a quart of ice cream! I am even designing it with an ergonomic handle, so it won’t accidently slip when you reach for the remote, or awkwardly stagger to your feet to go use the can.

It is important that I make one thing clear: I am NOT calling myself a hero. I’m just a regular guy, like you, trying to enjoy a serving (one quart) of ice cream while I watch Gold Rush.

This I pledge to you – I will not stop in my pursuit of the perfect ice cream koozie, even if I have to lie on the couch and polish off a hundred quarts of ice cream. I am doing this for mankind. I am doing this for YOU.

And it appears that as a result of my dedication, I’m on target to reach that 20-pound goal.

Got a moment?

Please do me a favor and comment and share!

Also, consider subscribing – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness –

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

Pangolins Protest Negative Image, Seek New Publicist

Life has been tough on the pangolin community recently.

“It’s not bad enough that we’re being eaten,” announced a senior pangolin representative, “now, we’re being blamed for a pandemic?! This is an outrage!” The representative continued, “And to make matters worse, whenever someone asks what a pangolin is, they’re told we look like an armadillo. An armadillo? Really?”

Gone are the good old days when all the pangolins had to worry about was having their scales plucked off and being roasted to a medium rare. Of course, they also got to enjoy the excitement of living on the brink of extinction. According to an American Geographic article (where I stole the above picture of a pangolin), pangolins are an endangered species.

Cold-hearted author’s comment: Pangolins can’t be that tasty or the Chinese would be breeding them like chickens. Vendors would be selling their meat on sticks to tourists next to the Great Wall.

The psychological pressure of being falsely accused of starting the pandemic is taking its toll. Pangolin mental health professionals report a rise in pangolin suicides. A recent press release included the following: “Not a day goes by that a young pangolin doesn’t march straight into a Wuhan restaurant kitchen and turn belly up for the taking.” The release continues, “They simply can’t imagine a bright future for themselves or their fellow pangolin.”

According to stories in the crushing, nonstop, “Please, Lord, let it stop,” mainstream media, bats are the true culprits. Americans have learned a new term: “Bat Soup.” And, no. It has nothing to do with baseball.

Please visit the pangolin GoFundMe page to help send this worthy species on a much-needed vacation. Their nerves are shot. They need time to recuperate. Even though the stock market has dropped, and your savings are so far down you’re likely to be eating dog food in retirement, surely, you can afford a little something for the pangolins.

Whether you choose to donate to the pangolin relief fund, please do them one favor. Show them one act of dignity and respect. PLEASE stop telling people they look like armadillos. (Yeah, I know they really do.)

Got a moment?

Please do me a favor and comment and share!

Also, consider subscribing – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness –

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

I Was BORN To Shelter In Place

I was BORN to shelter in place. I dream of sheltering in place. It’s not 1832. We’re not huddled in a freezing “Soddy” on the plains of Western Nebraska. We’ve got Netflix, for crying out loud!

While I’m on the topic, here’s my take on the whole “hoarding” thing –

According to official verified statistics (i.e. my biased opinion), 99% of the American public is morbidly obese. And, Lord knows, I’m doing everything I can to maintain that percentage.

Ninety days of starvation is just what the doctor ordered. And by “starvation,” I mean eating two meals a day instead of four. If this virus holds up, come July, we’ll be marching around the beach like Greek Gods.

And can this be the end of handshaking? Please?! Can we finally put a knife in it? I’m as old school as you can get, but the grossness of handshaking must meet its demise.

On a side note, I do not begrudge the guilt that must be plaguing every third grader home from school right now. On one hand, he’s praying that this virus outbreak never ends. On the other, he knows that his sudden freedom may cost his 88-year-old Nana her life. Root for freedom or root for Nana? What’s a third grader to do?

As a result of all the social distancing I’ve been doing lately, I’ve had time to think about my future. Business opportunities are exploding in my head like kernels in a popcorn popper. One idea has risen above the rest –

A bacon store creatively called, “The Bacon Store.”

How could a store that exclusively sells bacon, and bacon-related products, possibly fail? The only product that exceeds the attraction quotient of bacon is crack cocaine. And bacon is LEGAL! (Of course, it probably shouldn’t be.)

The most valuable thing I’ve learned during our challenging national emergency is the definition of “Telecommuting.”

Telecommuting: “The art of getting paid to recline on a couch in your underwear, while sounding very engaged and alert on the phone.”

I guess I was born to shelter in place AND telecommute!

Got a moment?

Please do me a favor – comment and share!

Also, consider subscribing – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness –

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

“Social Distancing” Lesson One: Weaponizing Bad Breath

Nothing says social distancing like murderous breath.

Commit this lifesaving motto to memory:

Stinky Breath Today, Keep Coronavirus Away!

Bad breath buys you – AT A MINIMUM – a three-foot buffer zone.

I’m not sure where the whole six-foot buffer zone came from, but it makes sense. The average American isn’t six feet tall, so even in the sudden and unexpected drop-dead emergency, you are unlikely to be in the “strike zone.”

We know a lot about this here in Oregon, because Oregon law requires that drivers stay at least six feet away from bicyclists. I’m not bragging, but we were ready for the Coronavirus before being ready for the Coronavirus was cool.

Please consider employing these “Kung Fu” Breath Safety Techniques:

The Morning “Coat of Armor” – After you brush your teeth, begin your day with a steaming cup of dark coffee laced with a heavily sweetened creamer. Roll it around in your mouth. Use your tongue to massage it into the deep recesses of your mouth. Let it sit and marinate on your tongue until it works its way in between your taste buds. Before long, even your best friends will call you “Dragon Breath” to your face.

The “Lunch Break Six-Shooter” – According to Bianca Mendez, in her article, “The 22 Best and Worst Foods for Your Breath,” she writes, “Any fish that comes out of a can is going to carry a stench. And when you lunch on tuna, that smell isn’t going to disappear. When fish gets tinned, it begins to oxidize, which is why they have a scent. This smell clings to your mouth, giving your breath an unpleasant fishy odor.” There you have it folks; canned tuna is your new best friend!

The “Nuclear Option” – I’m not a licensed and accredited biologist, but it is my understanding that as bacteria breaks down protein in food, it creates sulfur compounds. And sulfur compounds smell like, wait for it… rotten eggs! So as we confront today’s Coronavirus challenge, remember that it’s perfectly fine to be an Egg-Head.

Please use these helpful techniques to create a toxic plume that not even the Coronavirus would dare penetrate.

And, of course –

WASH YOUR HANDS!

Like many of you, I have now convinced myself I have the Coronavirus

I haven’t been tested, but according to the internet, I have the Coronavirus. I’m not 100% sure. How could I be? I am 99% sure.

Here is how I know –

First, I Googled “early Coronavirus symptoms.” The internet told me the three most common signs were: Cough, Fever and Respiratory Difficulty. I do not have a cough. I do not have a fever, and I do not have any respiratory difficulty. So, obviously, I had to continue my search.

Second, I clicked another reliable source (It was posted on the internet) and found a list of 15 early warning signs of Coronavirus. Now I was getting somewhere.

Finally, I found it! The very first sign on the list was, “Fatigue.”

FATIGUE!

Diagnosis CONFIRMED! I didn’t need to waste my time looking further. I definitely felt fatigued. In fact, I am going to take nap right after I finish writing this important ALERT.

I will now begin taking standard Coronavirus precautions. And we all know what that means. As soon as I’m done with my nap, I will be heading directly to Costco to buy massive quantities of toilet paper.

I am not quite sure what I’m supposed to do with all the toilet paper. I haven’t asked the internet yet. I plan to Google that as soon as I unload my toilet paper.

Next, I will call my employer and inform him that I will be “self-quarantining” myself for the next 14 days. This will be a difficult conversation because I’m self-employed. As a boss, I can be a real pain in the a**. In fact, if I keep insisting that I need to self-quarantine, I might have to fire myself. I’ll just have to see how the conversation goes.

Finally, I’ll have to contact all the major presidential campaigns and let them know not to expect me at any of their rallies. I’ll especially have to do this for Joe Biden, because that will likely drop his audience into single digits.

Wish me luck! I hope to see you all on the “other side” of my scary health emergency.

Be safe.

AND WASH YOUR HANDS!

Got a moment?

Please do me a favor and comment and share!

Also, consider subscribing – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness –

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –