We’re Supposed To Be Productive During The Quarantine, So I’m Fixing the US Map

The United States is the sloppy roommate of First World countries.  Look at our map.  It’s a disaster. Whoever drew it was obviously high on “magic” mushrooms.  I should know. I live in Eugene.

Our western states are okay, with the possible exception of Idaho’s “panhandle,” but we’ll let that go, because the rest of the country is a hot geographical mess.

Here are our most delinquent states –


I can let Idaho’s panhandle slide, but Oklahoma’s panhandle is completely out of control.  It makes Oklahoma LOOK LIKE A POT.  (Do you understand?  Not a pan.  A pot!)  It’s a “pothandle.”

Do us all a favor, Oklahoma.  Chop it off and give it to Texas.


This state is a geographical Frankenstein.  Michigan has what is colloquially referred to as the “U.P.” or Upper Peninsula.  It’s not even attached!

It should be part of Wisconsin.  Or, hell, just give it to Canada.  (If they’ll take it). 


Mississippi ranks last in every statistical category, with one exception.  It’s first in “Lack of Dignity.”  Why?  It lets Louisiana punk it by occupying half of Mississippi’s rightful coastline!

This is an outrage.  I am hereby calling on all Mississippians to pick up arms and seize possession of their coastal waterfront.  A few hundred causalities are a small price for Mississippians to regain their dignity.  (Send your teenagers to fight.  It’s not like they’re in high school.)

(Now that I notice it, you need to get your act together too, Alabama!)


It time to cut off this unsightly appendage.  It makes our country look weird, and it’s been nothing but a pain in the a** for decades. 

Forget the fact that they are incapable of properly filling out a ballot. From a Freudian perspective, Florida is the genitalia of the United States. And, frankly, it makes us look sexist. The Saudis are always buying ostentatious crap.  Sell it to them.  Let them worry about being eaten by a crocodile – OR, more likely, the Disney Corporation.   

Rhode Island. 

Rhode Island’s borders are fine.  I really should not have even included it here.  But look at it –

It’s NOT an island.  They’re lying to us.  We should force them to change their name to Rhode.  I feel VERY strongly about this.  I grew up on the west coast and attended Alsea Elementary School, so I only recently found out it wasn’t an island.  We simply cannot allow this pipsqueak state to pull this fast one on the nation any longer.

Vermont and New Hampshire. 

These states should merge.  Then it would be a nice, normal, rectangle-shaped state. 

We could name it “New Corona.”  This would remind us that, yes, this virus did devastate our country and drop us to our knees financially, but at least it gave us the opportunity to right this geographical wrong.

Finally, there is the BIG problem of –


Do I even need to say it?

Why in Sam Hill does Maryland have a rat tail sticking out toward the west?  I’m sorry, but this is an enormous, stinking elephant in our geographical living room.  It’s high time we confront it.  This is land that West Virginia should be polluting. 

Here is our New and Improved Post-Corona Map –

Now, that I’ve finally gotten this off my chest, I’ll let you get back to your productive quarantine activities.  You may now resume binge-watching Tiger King.

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Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)


Seven Rules for the College Playground

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Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

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