Pangolins Protest Negative Image, Seek New Publicist

Life has been tough on the pangolin community recently.

“It’s not bad enough that we’re being eaten,” announced a senior pangolin representative, “now, we’re being blamed for a pandemic?!  This is an outrage!”  The representative continued, “And to make matters worse, whenever someone asks what a pangolin is, they’re told we look like an armadillo.  An armadillo?  Really?”

Gone are the good old days when all the pangolins had to worry about was having their scales plucked off and being roasted to a medium rare.  Of course, they also got to enjoy the excitement of living on the brink of extinction.  According to an American Geographic article (where I stole the above picture of a pangolin), pangolins are an endangered species.

Cold-hearted author’s comment: Pangolins can’t be that tasty or the Chinese would be breeding them like chickens.  Vendors would be selling their meat on sticks to tourists next to the Great Wall.

The psychological pressure of being falsely accused of starting the pandemic is taking its toll.  Pangolin mental health professionals report a rise in pangolin suicides.  A recent press release included the following: “Not a day goes by that a young pangolin doesn’t march straight into a Wuhan restaurant kitchen and turn belly up for the taking.”  The release continues, “They simply can’t imagine a bright future for themselves or their fellow pangolin.” 

According to stories in the crushing, nonstop, “Please, Lord, let it stop,” mainstream media, bats are the true culprits.  Americans have learned a new term: “Bat Soup.”  And, no.  It has nothing to do with baseball.

Please visit the pangolin GoFundMe page to help send this worthy species on a much-needed vacation.  Their nerves are shot.  They need time to recuperate.  Even though the stock market has dropped, and your savings are so far down you’re likely to be eating dog food in retirement, surely, you can afford a little something for the pangolins.

Whether you choose to donate to the pangolin relief fund, please do them one favor.  Show them one act of dignity and respect.  PLEASE stop telling people they look like armadillos.  (Yeah, I know they really do.)

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