Fearing the worst, Milo the Dog took a moment from licking his privates to draw up a contingency plan to survive the COVID-19 crisis. Here are a few takeaways:
1. “First things first,” said Milo, “dogs can’t contract the coronavirus. So at least there’s that.” He continued, “Apparently, cats can get COVID-19.” “Good luck, Oliver!” he added with a grin.”
2. “Am I depressed? Am I a little off my game? Of course, I am. I bet I haven’t shoved my snout in an unsuspecting stranger’s crotch in the past three weeks. Welcome to life in my ‘new normal.’”
3. “I’m currently staying with my owner’s father in Eugene. They say that people who are over 60 are the most at risk. Well, he’s 59 ½, so close enough. Plus, he looks like he’s entering his ninth month of labor – with twins. Based on what I see him scarfing down each day (Does this guy EVER skip meal?), he’s probably prediabetic. What I’m trying to say, is that if he drops dead and I get trapped in the house, there’s going to be some good eat’n. I’m not saying I would take any pleasure in it, for obvious reasons. The main reason being that I can’t open the refrigerator door. You know what that means? No barbeque sauce! I’d have to eat that fat bastard dry.”
4. “Thankfully, the toilet is full, so I’m good for water. If need be, I think I can manage to push down on the lever with my paws.”
Milo summed up his plans as follows: “Food? Check. Water? Check. Dreaming of Oliver the Cat being stricken with the virus and being placed on a cat-sized respirator? Check.”
With his COVID-19 crisis planning completed, Milo was finally able to return to his business at hand –
Licking his privates.
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