Good news! Pretty soon your exhausting schedule of getting up at 10 a.m., eating ice cream straight from the container and pondering how many days it’s been since you last showered will come to an end. Now is the time to prepare for your transition back to the “New Normal.” You may be wondering what the “New Normal” will look like. Media pundits are saying this is a very difficult question. I’ve given this a great deal of thought. Here is the answer: Exactly like the “Old Normal.”
Here are the things you need to do to prepare to reenter the “Old Normal.” (Print this list and tape it to your refrigerator):
Number Ten: Stop drinking before noon. (5 p.m. for you “go-getters”). I know it’s been a few weeks, and you may have forgotten, but normal people don’t drink during the workday. I’m sorry.
Number Nine: Set your alarm for 10 a.m. Then keep setting it back another 15 minutes a day. You’re not in college. It’s time to get your a** out of bed before noon.
Number Eight: Cut back on the time you spend watching cat videos each day to three hours. Yes, I do know they’re amusing. Yes, I know this is asking a lot.
Number Seven: Reduce your number of Facebook posts each day to ten. I am NOT disagreeing with you – The photographs of EACH AND EVERY one of your meals IS fascinating. How about this compromise – You can tell your friends what you had for breakfast during your morning break. (You can even show them pictures of your omelet on your phone.) They’ll be riveted.
Number Six: Sit down with your cat and explain how much you appreciated his willingness to let you remain in his home during the day. When you do this, remember that your cat’s expression of complete indifference is his way of telling you he loves you.
Number Five: Yell over your belly and down to your toes that you hope to be able to see them again in four to six weeks.
Number Four: STOP. GRAZING. ALL. DAY. (Truth be told, this should probably be steps one through ten).
Number Three: Reacquaint yourself with a product you may have forgotten. It’s called “deodorant.”
Number Two: Brush your teeth.
Number One: Watch a YouTube video explaining how to let out your pants – AND GET TO WORK! You’ve got A LOT of sewing to do!
I wish you all the best of luck. I am confident that if you follow these simple steps, you’ll slide smoothly right back into the “Old Normal.”
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It’s a “Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.”
Also, before you leave –
Check out these great books:
The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness
Seven Rules for the College Playground
Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer