Fake Whale

The Killer Whales of Depoe Bay Brazenly Defy CDC Guidelines

Whale watching is a safe activity.  At least, I always thought so, until a whale tried to kill me. 

Let me explain.

The Oregon coast is a great place to watch whales.  My family has a beach house in the little town of Depoe Bay.  Locals and tourists enjoy standing along the seawall and gazing out looking for whales. 

I was recently taking a walk along the seawall, and I came across a group of folks intently looking out to sea.  It was obvious they had spotted a whale.

Before I continue, I need to remind you that a few weeks ago I wrote a column where I explained that facemasks do not pass the “fart test.”  That is, even with a facemask, if someone lets one fly, the facemask doesn’t save you.  The smell molecules of that fart still assault your nostrils.  As a result, everyone from Boston to Seattle charged after me with steak knives.  They all kept repeating the same term – “water droplets.”

“Facemasks prevent ‘water droplets’ from flying out into the air!”

“It’s WATER DROPLETS that are the problem!”

“Hey, dummy!  It doesn’t matter if you can still smell a fart.  Water droplets are killing people!”

I’d never seen so many exclamation points in my life.  They beat me down into the fetal position.  In fact, I coined a new term – “facemask-splaining.”

Back to my story about walking along the seawall. 

Not long after I joined the whale watchers, a whale exhaled a spout of water.

Here is a crappy picture I took using my iPhone –

Here is an extra crappy, zoomed-in version –

Moments later, the whale’s fluke (tail) emerged. (Sorry for the “whale-splaining”) –

Here’s an extra crappy, zoomed-in version –

This is when it hit me.

Cats get COVID-19.

Dogs get COVID-19.

A whale is a mammal.  Why can’t a whale get COVID-19?

AND, when whales shoot water out their blowholes, what are they creating?  WATER DROPLETS!

These irresponsible whales are spouting COVID-19 up and down the coast!  It’s almost enough to make me root for those Japanese whalers on Whale Wars.

We never hear the end of how intelligent whales are.  They’re one of the smartest mammals on earth.  How about they snap to it and start obeying rudimentary CDC guidelines?

Fart test, or no fart test, these magnificent creatures of the deep need to take immediate corrective action.  It may take a little ingenuity on their part, perhaps manufacturing something from seaweed and krill, but they have a moral imperative. And that moral imperative is:

To start wearing blowhole masks!

NFL Football

NFL Announces Plans to Play “Flag Football” to Maintain Social Distancing

Citing concern for player safety, the NFL announced today that it will modify the game this season to what it is promoting as, “The most exciting brand of flag football ever before played!”  The NFL has released a new tagline: “It’s flag Lightning, Baby!”

In keeping with Center for Disease Control guidelines, the “flags” will be six feet in length, measured from the far end of flag back to the player’s outer butt cheek. 

A source inside NFL management, who asked to remain anonymous, told media sources that, so far, test games have been an unmitigated disaster.  “The flags are just too dang long!  Guys are accidently stepping on their own flags and pulling them off as they run down the field!  They are literally ‘tackling’ themselves.”

This same source revealed three proposed rule changes intended to address this problem:

Rule One – At the line of scrimmage, even if the wind blows an opposing player’s flag over the line, the opposing player CANNOT step on it and shoot the flag’s owner a dirty smirk. 

Rule Two – If you accidently step on your own flag as you advance down the field carrying the football, you are not down.  Much like when an MMA fight is stopped to check on the consciousness of a fighter, the referee must momentarily stop the play and reattach the flag.  The ref must then reposition each player to his precise position prior to the stoppage, and then signal the play to resume. 

Rule Three – You cannot use your flags for non-flag related purposes, such as tying them around your waist as a belt, lassoing another player, and ABSOLUTELY NOT strangling another player – except during overtime.

All major television networks have expressed reservations about broadcasting this version of the game.  The head of NBC sports publicly confessed his concern that reruns of Canadian curling might beat “lightning flag” in the ratings. 

Asked about this change at a White House Coronavirus briefing, Dr. Fauci ecstatically praised the league for its bold and creative decision to put safety first.  Asked further whether he planned to watch any of the new flag football games, Dr. Fauci responded, “I’ll be watching curling.”

The United States Hones Down Its Choice To The Two Smartest and Most Moral Men In The Country

This week in presidential campaign news:

On the Joe Biden front –

Speaking through the drainpipe from his basement, Biden read a prepared statement to the delight of salivating news reporters hovered in his yard above.  Biden ended his remarks by anticipating reporters’ questions, though not taking any questions.  He gently questioned the wisdom of peaceful protesters plans to loot and burn down the US Capital.  He stopped short, however, of criticizing the plan.  He concluded by saying that he would understand it if the Capital were burnt to a crisp and left in a steaming, smoking pile of rubble.  He finished his remarks by saying, “Our great country was founded upon the principles of this type of peaceful protest.”

A surrogate for the Biden camp defended Biden’s policy to remain cloistered in his basement. The surrogate stated to reporters, “Please do not allow yourselves to fall victim to the right-wing taking point that Joe Biden is hiding in his basement.  Joe has been trying to leave his basement for weeks.  This is NOT his fault.  It’s just that he can’t find the door.” 

On the Donald Trump front –

The Trump campaign decided this week to apply the, “If you can’t beat them, join them,” policy.  Trump took direct aim with yet another memorable quote, “I have a basement too!  And my basement is bigger, much, MUCH, bigger, than Joe Biden’s.  I could host a regulation NFL game in my basement.  It’s that big!”

Trump surrogates spent the balance of the week defending Trump’s claim by emailing diagrams of the White House basement to reporters overlaid with a sketch of the Dallas Cowboy’s AT&T Stadium.  They conceded that the height of the basement’s ceiling would prevent field goals but were otherwise unapologetic.

With just over 100 days until the election, the two warring camps continue to pound away at one another. 

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for newly announced presidential candidate Kanye West released a statement saying that the West campaign was scheduled to release a diagram of Kanye’s basement by the end of next week.

Million

How to Make a Million Dollars in Less Than 60 Seconds

Let’s not kid ourselves.  When we think about what’s really important in life, we think about family.  We think about friends.  We think about deeply meaningful experiences.  And, of course, we think about the most important thing – MONEY.   

This is why I feel compelled to share my no-frills, “guaranteed to get you a million bucks” action plan.  I call it, “How to Make a Million Dollars in Less Than 60 Seconds.”  I’m not pulling your leg.  This plan doesn’t just work most of the time, it works EVERY SINGLE TIME!

I suggest that you get a pen or pencil out to take notes or copy and paste this Jocularious column into a file on your computer.  Be sure to back up your computer file with Carbonite.com, or print it out and hide it under your mattress.

This plan involves three simple steps.  It is critical that you follow each and every step in order, and DO NOT skip any of the steps.

Here is the formula –

First, graduate from high school with a 4.0 gpa, and get a SAT score in the top 3% nationally.

Second, enroll in an Ivy League University and obtain a degree in Finance.

Third, secure a job on Wall Street as an investment banker. 

Yes!  It’s that easy!

AND, even reading slowly, it took me less than 20 seconds to read this entire formula.  I really should rename this column, How to Make a Million Dollars in Less Than 20 Seconds. 

I sincerely hope my advice met your expectations.  This is, of course, my goal with every Jocularious column.  (I said “goal,” people!)

And, even if you don’t follow my advice, at least you’ve got that “family, friends and meaningful experiences” thing going for you.

______________________

Do me a favor –

Please comment and share!

Oliver in Repose

Oliver the Cat Announces He has Finally Adjusted to the “New Normal”

Oliver in Repose
Oliver in Repose

Learning how to adapt to the “new normal” has been a challenge for everyone.  Oliver the Cat is no exception.  In fact, it has weighed heavily on his mind.  So heavily, he realized he needed to take immediate action to resolve this issue.  And by “immediate action,” of course, I mean take a seven-hour nap.

Oliver has three primary worries –

First, Oregon’s governor, like many others across the nation, has issued a decree that facemasks are now mandatory.  Oliver is no fool.  He’s heard the news that cats can catch COVID-19.  However, despite countless hours searching the internet – Amazon.com, Ebay.com, Bing.com and, of course, Tomcat.com, he still cannot find a mask that fits him.  Yeah!  That’s right! How could he not freak out?  There are NO cat masks to be found!

Oliver’s second concern is the lack of healthcare options should he be stricken by the deadly virus.  He’s put in his time listening to the talking heads on CNN, MSNBC and Fox News.  (As a Libertarian, Oliver likes to get all sides.)  And not once.  NOT ONE TIME, has anyone mentioned a ventilator being modified to fit a cat.

If these concerns weren’t enough, Oliver has yet another problem.  And it’s not a small one.  As you might imagine, Oliver is a BIG fan of Jocularious.com.  He doesn’t miss a column.  Several weeks ago, he read the one titled: “I’m Not Sure What the ‘New Normal’ Looks Like, But I Think It Involves Pajamas.”  Well, Oliver’s been sleeping au natural since the day he was born.  If cat pajamas exist, the cheapskates living in his house certainly haven’t shown any sign of buying him a pair. 

As Oliver pondered these problems, he felt a tremendous weight begin to overwhelm him.  He struggled to come to terms with them.  He struggled while lying on his front porch.  He struggled while taking a poop in his neighbor’s flower garden.  He struggled and struggled.  Finally, the solution dawned on him.  It was the purr-fect solution –

And that was, of course –

To stretch out for another seven-hour nap.

Hawaiian Shirts

Study Finds Middle-Aged Men Actually Believe Hawaiian Shirts Hide Their Bulging Bellies

All of us remember when we found out Santa Claus wasn’t real.  It was a devastating blow.  This was despite our suspecting as much for some time.  I suffered a similar blow yesterday.  My wife patted me on the stomach, over my beautiful Hawaiian shirt, and told me POINT BLANK, “Your stomach’s sticking out.”  Suddenly, my space-time continuum began spinning.  My belief that my size large Hawaiian shirt cloaked my torso, thus rendering my belly invisible, vanished in an instant.  I was speechless.  (Which, for those who know me, is inconceivable.)  Of course, my wife loves me, so you may assume she said this in a sensitive and nonjudgmental manner.  Your assumption would be wrong.  She absolutely said it in a judgmental manner!

Now, because I mentioned Santa, I must momentarily deviate from my topic to share something I heard awhile back.  Get ready to take notes, “This is gold, Jerry.  Gold!”  Here it is:

There are three stages in life.  First, you believe in Santa.  Second, you do not believe in Santa.  And, third, you ARE Santa.

I love this, and I never get tired of repeating it..

Now, as amusing as that Santa comment may be, it doesn’t do anything for my belly. So back to the protruding subject at hand –

My wife further gently offered me a piece of loving advice: “You’re going to have to starve yourself.”

As a result, I am now forced to accept that my Hawaiian shirts do not possess the power I had once believed.  On-the-other-hand, this awakening came with some relief.  Like Adam and Eve eating the apple, I was no longer living in ignorance. 

We all see the guy with the comb-over and ask ourselves, “Does he really think he’s fooling anyone, and people don’t know he’s bald.”  And we all know that “full-figured” women like to wear clothes with vertical stripes because they create a slimmer image.  I was finally free to embrace MY reality.

I took my beautiful wife’s constructive comments to heart, and I took IMMEDIATE action –

According to Amazon Prime, my new EXTRA-large Hawaiian shirts arrive tomorrow.

Reyn Spooner Facemask

If Facemasks Don’t Pass the “Fart Test,” Why Are We Wearing them?

My daughter gave me a beautiful Reyn Spooner mask for Fathers’ Day.  Yes, as disturbing as it is, you can now buy a designer facemask.  I’ve been a collector of Reyn Spooner Hawaiian shirts for years, and she knew I would love one of their new facemasks.  And she was right!  (Thank you, Zoe!)  It didn’t surprise me that Reyn Spooner was now making facemasks, I imagine many clothes designers are jumping on the bandwagon.

What does surprise me is that we bother to wear them in the first place.

Remember when the Surgeon General emphatically announced that wearing facemasks might do more harm than good?  He said studies proved this.  He said that when people wear facemasks they tended to constantly touch their faces adjusting them.  And America’s Sweetheart, Dr. Fauci, backed him up?

Now, five seconds later, Dr. Fauci is marching around with a facemask telling us that we’re all going to kill grandma if we don’t wear one AT ALL TIMES  ̶  even when we’re alone on the toilet.

Sounds like good science to me.

I wear a mask when I’m in a store.  Mainly because I don’t want to freak anyone out, AND, more importantly, so I don’t have some psycho attack me.

One reason I remain skeptical is that my brother recently told me about the “Fart Test.”  In truth, it should be called a “Fart Declaration.”  Here it is:  “If someone farts, and that fart travels past their cheeks, through a layer of cotton underwear, then through a thick layer of denim jeans, and everybody in the room smells it within moments, how in the world is a thin cotton mask going to do anything?” 

Point.  Set.  Match. 

So, I wear a mask to be polite.  ESPECIALLY, if it’s a beautiful Reyn Spooner mask. 

But this got me thinking.  I’ve seen a lot of masks for sale, but I haven’t seen one yet that meets the needs of a  very special percentage of the population.  I am speaking, of course, of those folks who wear their masks UNDER their noses.  Yes, those geniuses.

CRITICAL WARNING: Do NOT steal my brilliant idea!  I’m going to license my new invention to Reyn Spooner and get them into production ASAP. 

Here is a prototype  ̶ 

I also have an idea to market them.  You know those guys who don’t park between the lines?  (I ranted about them a few months ago.)  Well, we send sales agents into parking lots to find these guys and sell them a “nose free” mask.  I am certain these are the same people. 

I’m also going to send one to Dr. Fauci.  If history is any lesson, it’s a coin toss on whether he decides to wear one himself. 

Target Employee Thought It Was Just A Door-buster Sale

Video footage of people looting and ransacking everything from neighborhood markets to Lois Vuitton stores has blanketed media outlets.  We sit stunned as we witness the destruction and mayhem.  And as we watch this looting break out across the nation, we are all gripped by one unifying thought:  Why didn’t I invest in plywood? I would have made a mint!

This is why Warren Buffett has a Gulfstream G-6 and I have a 2002 Toyota Tacoma.

Investment errors aside, looters need to consider the consequences of their actions before grabbing that 65” flat screen.  In particular:

1. The IRS Code defines “Gross Income” as “income from whatever source derived….’”  If you ask an IRS agent whether looted property is taxable, he’ll ask you whether you want the top or bottom bunk while you wait for your Tax Evasion trial if you fail to report it.  I’m not saying you need to take your CPA with you as you make your political statement by liberating a pair of pearl earrings from a shattered display case, but you might want to keep him on speed dial.

2. The odds of grabbing the correct size of Nikes as you jostle within the melee of other “shoppers” grabbing for shoe boxes are not in your favor.  And even if by chance you do grab the right size (and believe me, I’ve learned this the hard way) Nikes run a bit small.  You really should try them on before you commit to a pair.  Under the unique circumstances of a looting, what with all the sirens blaring and needing to dodge those shards of broken glass, this is a challenge even for the most experienced looter.

3. Most stores have a fairly unforgiving Return Policy on looted goods.  They tend to be reluctant when it comes to exchanges.  And if you ask for a refund, prepare to duck.

Here’s the most important takeaway –

Whether its IRS advice, investment advice, footwear advice, or looting advice, don’t listen to me.  Remember, I’m the guy with the 2002 Tacoma. 

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Bill Burr Nominated for Guinness World Record

Bill Burr is a tremendously talented stand-up comedian and actor.  He makes his living communicating.  You may recall your seventh grade English teacher telling you that effective communication requires using the precise word to express your thought.  Bill Burr understands this better than anyone.  He is, in essence, a wordsmith.  As it turns out, Bill has decided that the most accurate word, in almost every instance, is the “F-word.”  He uses it in every sentence.  Okay, maybe not once in every sentence.  I’m just joshing you.  He uses it three times in every sentence.

Due to official FCC regulations, I am required to use a substitute for the F-word for the rest of this column.  Hereinafter, I will replace the “F-word” with “Intimate Personal Interaction.”

Many teenagers constantly insert the word “like” into everything they say.  Example #1: “Like, I was just walking down the sidewalk writing a text, and like I banged my head on a light pole.”  Example #2: “Like, that REALLY hurt!”  Example #3 (and, sadly, perhaps the most accurate): “Like, I can’t even explain it!”

Bill does the same thing, only he uses “Intimate Personal Interaction.”  Example #1: “Intimate Personal Interaction, I was just walking down the Intimate Personal Interaction street writing a Intimate Personal Interaction text, and I Intimate Personal Interaction banged my Intimate Personal Interaction head on an Intimate Personal Interaction light pole.”

I’ve thought about emailing Bill and telling him that he is one of the funniest comedians on the planet, but for goodness sakes, stop saying Intimate Personal Interaction so much.  But here is the problem, it is practically his signature.  In fact, many people who write to him for advice (which emails he reads and answers on his podcast) close by saying, “Thank you, and go Intimate Personal Interaction yourself.”

I would love to recommend Bill’s podcast to others, but I can’t.  There’s just too much Intimate Personal Interaction going on. 

This is where the Guinness World Records Book enters the picture.

There is no doubt in my mind that Bill has a higher Intimate-Personal-Interaction-Per-Minute count, than any other standup comedian, living or deceased.  No one even comes Intimate Personal Interaction close.

So, for these reasons, I, Jack Edwards, hereby nominate the Honorable Bill Burr to the Guinness Book of World Records.  If anyone deserves such an honor, Bill Intimate Personal Interaction does.

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

What Think Tanks, Fish Tanks and Armored Tanks have to do with World Naked Bike Ride Day

Television news hosts are always introducing their guests as belonging to some “Think Tank.”  This impresses me.  It probably shouldn’t.  I’m not even sure what people do in a think tank.  I picture people sitting in a circle with their eyebrows furled with an intense expression signifying that they are deep in thought – or really have to go number two.  I also picture a lot of meerschaum pipes.

The only tanks I know about are fish tanks and gas tanks.  There are armored tanks, of course, but I don’t know much about them.  Speaking of armored tanks, it does make me wonder who would win if we put a Think Tank up against an Armored Tank.  My hunch is that we’d never piece back together all those meerschaum pipes.

But let’s get back to ME, and my getting a job at a think tank.  I Googled “Think Tank” and this article popped up: “The 50 Most Influential Think Tanks in the United States.”  Number 8 caught my attention – the CATO Institute.  This is primarily because I like to say the word “CATO.”  Try it.  It’s fun!

According to this random article:

“…Cato’s mission is ‘to broaden the parameters of public policy debate to allow consideration of the traditional American principles of limited government, individual liberty, free markets, and peace.’”

Liberty?  Peace?  Sign me up!

This would be a good think tank for me because its political orientation is Libertarian.  I am not what you’d call a “Full-Crackpot” Libertarian, but I am a Libertarian sympathizer.  The reason I can’t go full crackpot is it would make me a hypocrite.  Some years ago, I was walking along an ocean boardwalk in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, with my young daughter.  All of a sudden, we came upon a section of the sidewalk that had collapsed down into the ocean.  A half-moon piece of the sidewalk was missing.  You could look straight down onto the rock and swirling surf below.  No barrier, no warning tape, no nothing!  I’m lucky my daughter and I didn’t plunge into the abyss. 

What was the first thing that came to my Libertarian mind?  You guessed it.  “There ought to be a law!”  This is why I am now only a “sympathizer.”

It’s also worth noting that the CATO Institute’s annual revenue is 29.1 million.  I don’t care who you are, or where you come from – That’s a lot of pipe tobacco! 

My multimillion-dollar salary aside, I do have a few questions before I get busy thinking:

1. Will my office have a couch?  I do my best thinking lying on a couch.  (Preferably, while eating a tasty snack).

2. Will they send me to a tropical resort equipped with beachfront hammocks?  The only place I think better than lying down on a couch is when I’m in a beachside hammock.

3. When we argue with other thinkers, and things get physical, does anyone ever call the police?  I want to join a think tank where we keep these little disagreements to ourselves.  (I’m a big fan of the, “Nobody talks, everybody walks,” philosophy.)

4. How often do we have to get together to think and slap each other upside the head when they say something stupid?  I’ve really been enjoying the flexibility of my Corona Beer Virus schedule, and I’ve become quite a fan of the whole “social distancing” thing.

If the CATO Institute can’t at least meet me halfway on these modest demands, I may simply move on to Bucket List item #4:  Participating in the World Naked Bicycling Day Parade.  You should have no trouble spotting me riding along in the crowd. I’ll be the one smoking a meerschaum pipe.

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov