Target Employee Thought It Was Just A Door-buster Sale

Video footage of people looting and ransacking everything from neighborhood markets to Lois Vuitton stores has blanketed media outlets.  We sit stunned as we witness the destruction and mayhem.  And as we watch this looting break out across the nation, we are all gripped by one unifying thought:  Why didn’t I invest in plywood? I would have made a mint!

This is why Warren Buffett has a Gulfstream G-6 and I have a 2002 Toyota Tacoma.

Investment errors aside, looters need to consider the consequences of their actions before grabbing that 65” flat screen.  In particular:

1. The IRS Code defines “Gross Income” as “income from whatever source derived….’”  If you ask an IRS agent whether looted property is taxable, he’ll ask you whether you want the top or bottom bunk while you wait for your Tax Evasion trial if you fail to report it.  I’m not saying you need to take your CPA with you as you make your political statement by liberating a pair of pearl earrings from a shattered display case, but you might want to keep him on speed dial.

2. The odds of grabbing the correct size of Nikes as you jostle within the melee of other “shoppers” grabbing for shoe boxes are not in your favor.  And even if by chance you do grab the right size (and believe me, I’ve learned this the hard way) Nikes run a bit small.  You really should try them on before you commit to a pair.  Under the unique circumstances of a looting, what with all the sirens blaring and needing to dodge those shards of broken glass, this is a challenge even for the most experienced looter.

3. Most stores have a fairly unforgiving Return Policy on looted goods.  They tend to be reluctant when it comes to exchanges.  And if you ask for a refund, prepare to duck.

Here’s the most important takeaway –

Whether its IRS advice, investment advice, footwear advice, or looting advice, don’t listen to me.  Remember, I’m the guy with the 2002 Tacoma. 

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Bill Burr Nominated for Guinness World Record

Bill Burr is a tremendously talented stand-up comedian and actor.  He makes his living communicating.  You may recall your seventh grade English teacher telling you that effective communication requires using the precise word to express your thought.  Bill Burr understands this better than anyone.  He is, in essence, a wordsmith.  As it turns out, Bill has decided that the most accurate word, in almost every instance, is the “F-word.”  He uses it in every sentence.  Okay, maybe not once in every sentence.  I’m just joshing you.  He uses it three times in every sentence.

Due to official FCC regulations, I am required to use a substitute for the F-word for the rest of this column.  Hereinafter, I will replace the “F-word” with “Intimate Personal Interaction.”

Many teenagers constantly insert the word “like” into everything they say.  Example #1: “Like, I was just walking down the sidewalk writing a text, and like I banged my head on a light pole.”  Example #2: “Like, that REALLY hurt!”  Example #3 (and, sadly, perhaps the most accurate): “Like, I can’t even explain it!”

Bill does the same thing, only he uses “Intimate Personal Interaction.”  Example #1: “Intimate Personal Interaction, I was just walking down the Intimate Personal Interaction street writing a Intimate Personal Interaction text, and I Intimate Personal Interaction banged my Intimate Personal Interaction head on an Intimate Personal Interaction light pole.”

I’ve thought about emailing Bill and telling him that he is one of the funniest comedians on the planet, but for goodness sakes, stop saying Intimate Personal Interaction so much.  But here is the problem, it is practically his signature.  In fact, many people who write to him for advice (which emails he reads and answers on his podcast) close by saying, “Thank you, and go Intimate Personal Interaction yourself.”

I would love to recommend Bill’s podcast to others, but I can’t.  There’s just too much Intimate Personal Interaction going on. 

This is where the Guinness World Records Book enters the picture.

There is no doubt in my mind that Bill has a higher Intimate-Personal-Interaction-Per-Minute count, than any other standup comedian, living or deceased.  No one even comes Intimate Personal Interaction close.

So, for these reasons, I, Jack Edwards, hereby nominate the Honorable Bill Burr to the Guinness Book of World Records.  If anyone deserves such an honor, Bill Intimate Personal Interaction does.

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

What Think Tanks, Fish Tanks and Armored Tanks have to do with World Naked Bike Ride Day

Television news hosts are always introducing their guests as belonging to some “Think Tank.”  This impresses me.  It probably shouldn’t.  I’m not even sure what people do in a think tank.  I picture people sitting in a circle with their eyebrows furled with an intense expression signifying that they are deep in thought – or really have to go number two.  I also picture a lot of meerschaum pipes.

The only tanks I know about are fish tanks and gas tanks.  There are armored tanks, of course, but I don’t know much about them.  Speaking of armored tanks, it does make me wonder who would win if we put a Think Tank up against an Armored Tank.  My hunch is that we’d never piece back together all those meerschaum pipes.

But let’s get back to ME, and my getting a job at a think tank.  I Googled “Think Tank” and this article popped up: “The 50 Most Influential Think Tanks in the United States.”  Number 8 caught my attention – the CATO Institute.  This is primarily because I like to say the word “CATO.”  Try it.  It’s fun!

According to this random article:

“…Cato’s mission is ‘to broaden the parameters of public policy debate to allow consideration of the traditional American principles of limited government, individual liberty, free markets, and peace.’”

Liberty?  Peace?  Sign me up!

This would be a good think tank for me because its political orientation is Libertarian.  I am not what you’d call a “Full-Crackpot” Libertarian, but I am a Libertarian sympathizer.  The reason I can’t go full crackpot is it would make me a hypocrite.  Some years ago, I was walking along an ocean boardwalk in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, with my young daughter.  All of a sudden, we came upon a section of the sidewalk that had collapsed down into the ocean.  A half-moon piece of the sidewalk was missing.  You could look straight down onto the rock and swirling surf below.  No barrier, no warning tape, no nothing!  I’m lucky my daughter and I didn’t plunge into the abyss. 

What was the first thing that came to my Libertarian mind?  You guessed it.  “There ought to be a law!”  This is why I am now only a “sympathizer.”

It’s also worth noting that the CATO Institute’s annual revenue is 29.1 million.  I don’t care who you are, or where you come from – That’s a lot of pipe tobacco! 

My multimillion-dollar salary aside, I do have a few questions before I get busy thinking:

1. Will my office have a couch?  I do my best thinking lying on a couch.  (Preferably, while eating a tasty snack).

2. Will they send me to a tropical resort equipped with beachfront hammocks?  The only place I think better than lying down on a couch is when I’m in a beachside hammock.

3. When we argue with other thinkers, and things get physical, does anyone ever call the police?  I want to join a think tank where we keep these little disagreements to ourselves.  (I’m a big fan of the, “Nobody talks, everybody walks,” philosophy.)

4. How often do we have to get together to think and slap each other upside the head when they say something stupid?  I’ve really been enjoying the flexibility of my Corona Beer Virus schedule, and I’ve become quite a fan of the whole “social distancing” thing.

If the CATO Institute can’t at least meet me halfway on these modest demands, I may simply move on to Bucket List item #4:  Participating in the World Naked Bicycling Day Parade.  You should have no trouble spotting me riding along in the crowd. I’ll be the one smoking a meerschaum pipe.

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Cornhole: Not Just For Drunken Tailgaters Anymore

To paraphrase a recent observation by podcaster, and self-described “C-list” celebrity, Adam Carolla: A pandemic lockdown is like a prison sentence.  You can emerge from it with either a draft of the next Great American Novel, or a forehead tattoo and a raging case of herpes.  It’s your choice. 

I decided to take Adam’s advice.  Here were my options:

1. Remodeling the master bathroom.

2. Learning to play the piano.

3. Learning to speak Italian.

After careful consideration, I finally made up my mind:

I would choose 4. – Mastering the game of “Cornhole.” 

I’ve been told more than once that I was blessed with the perfect physique to play Cornhole.

Most folks have at least seen the game.  Each player takes a turn trying to toss a beanbag 27 feet into the “cornhole” of the game board.  Strongly suggested, but not officially required, is that a player gets half-drunk prior to the game.  Crocs are the official footwear of Cornhole.

I bought my Crocs during a recent visit to Vietnam.  I thought I got a real bargain, but back at the hotel I looked them over more closely.  I discovered that I had actually purchased a pair of “Croaks.”  Croaks are essentially identical Crocs, just minus the quality and comfort.  

The game of Cornhole presents a number of challenges, not the least of which is the name, “Cornhole.”  To put it mildly, the name is rather off-putting.  In fact, if you tell someone your favorite pastime is cornholing, odds are they’ll look at you funny. 

You might be surprised to learn (I swear this is true, you can look it up) that there is an American Cornhole Association, ACA for short.  (Not to be confused with the American Cornhole Organization, or ACO – Look it up!)  The ACA’s website touts that it is, “The Original and Official Governing Body of Cornhole.”  Take that, ACO!

I’m proud to announce that my hours in lockdown practicing Cornhole have yielded impressive results.  In fact, I developed my own special Cornhole technique.  It’s a five-step process.

Step One – “Be the bag.”  (The alternative is to, “be the hole.”  Let’s not go there).

Step Two – Lower yourself into a squat-like position, much like an orangutan preparing to toss a handful of his finest at a zoo visitor.

Step Three – Swing the bag in a reverse arc, mimicking Joe Pesci’s character in the movie Casino, when he stabs that guy in the bar who was insulting Robert De Niro. 

Step Four – Release the bag and watch it lift gracefully, rotate (almost in slow motion), and then descend “spot on” over your neighbor’s fence. 

Step Five – Scream, “Damn it!”

My daughter has been playing the game with me.  She takes offense with anyone calling Cornhole a sport.  She argues that any game you can win while simultaneously holding a 16 ounce can of Pabst Blue Ribbon and pulling a draw off a Marlboro dangling from the corner of your mouth, should not be labelled a sport. 

I had to disagree with her.  You know how we all become experts at the floor exercise during the Olympics every four years?  You know how the judges factor in the “degree of difficulty”?  Exactly.

If Cornhole fails to be named an official sport in the next Olympics, it will be an outrage.  I will take it upon myself to call on the intrepid members of the ACA and urge them to join forces with the wily ACO.  The sheer magnitude of that much Cornhole power would be unstoppable.  I’d join in with them, but I fear I’d wind up over the fence.

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

I’m Not Sure What the “New Normal” Looks Like, But I Think It Involves Pajamas

A plague looms over us.  A plague so ominous it threatens our very way of life.  A life-threatening plague.  I am, of course, speaking about the invasion of the Murder Hornets. 

I survived the last media-inspired killer insect scare back in the 1970s – the “Killer Bees.”  As a veteran of the Killer Bee Hysteria, I have some advice – “Chill-acks.”  Back in the 70s, the Killer Bees got the media’s panties in a bunch.  In the end, however, the threat had as much fizzle as a day-old soda.

Murder hornets aside, if you been paying close attention to the news, you may have also noticed a little something called the coronavirus.

Everybody’s now wondering what the “new normal” will look like.  I don’t know, but I’m fairly sure it’s going to involve wearing a lot of pajamas.  Media tagline: “Pajamas – the new business casual.” 

I’ve been trying to maintain a semblance of my old routine.  It’s difficult, what with having to get up each morning and eat a quart of ice cream before pondering how many days it’s been since I showered.

This leads me to an extremely sensitive subject.  As difficult as it is, it’s probably something I should confess to you. 

Our society has a set of well-understood rules.  These rules are vital to our maintaining a sense of order.  Many of these rules draw clear and distinct lines we should never cross. 

Here is my confession (insert drumroll) – I crossed one.

Last Saturday, I wore my pajamas to the bank.  Yeah, I know!  In my defense, I forgot I was wearing pajamas until I was getting into my car.  I paused for a moment and considered going back into the house to change.  But, I rationalized, I was only going to be using the drive thru.

Driving away from the bank, I’m not going to lie to you, I experienced a moment of deep self-reflection.

Speaking of moments, the lockdown has left me with quite a few extra moments.

I’ve spent some of those extra moments on Twitter.  A new follower’s profile says he’s from Thunder Bay, Ontario.  When I saw this, I thought to myself, why can’t I be from someplace cool sounding like Thunder Bay?  The name Thunder Bay evokes a sense of adventure and an exciting mystic.  Then I thought to myself, wait a minute, maybe there is something I can do about this. 

I continued tapping around on Twitter, and I came upon a guy announcing that he was planning to cook some ramps for lunch.  Ramps?  The only ramps I’ve ever come across are boat ramps.  Then again, I am from Alsea.  Well, I should say I was from Alsea.  Check my Twitter profile. Now, I’m from Thunder Bay!

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

How to Live Dangerously from the Comfort of Your Own Living Room

One of my readers recently asked me if I ever just made something up.  Whether I’d written something that wasn’t true – even outright lied.  As you can imagine, I was shocked.  l was deeply offended that anyone would feel the need to ask this.  Of course, I lie!  I lie in my columns all the time!

Except, I am NOT lying about this story. 

This story is true.  COMPLETELY TRUE!  Go ahead and Google it if you don’t believe me.  There is simply no need to lie when a man named Wim Hof is teaching a special method of breathing called (hold on to your hat) the Wim Hof Method Breathing (WHM, for short).  That’s Wim in the picture above.  I stole it from his YouTube video.

Not to oversimplify it, but Wim Hof thinks it’s healthy to deprive yourself of oxygen.  According to Wim, calmly confronting a stressful experience, like the feeling of oxygen deprivation, helps us decrease the harmful effects of stress.  Among other things, when we panic, our body releases harmful cortisol.  His breathing exercise helps us control our sense of panic.

I was immediately attracted to this exercise for two reasons:

1. I already knew how to breathe.  (Not to brag, but I’m an exceptionally good breather.  I’ve been complemented on my breathing.)

2. It was free.  (I am, after all, from Alsea.)

Wim provides instructions on his website, along with this ominous warning

“Note that WHM breathing can affect motor control and, in rare cases, lead to loss of consciousness. Always sit or lie down before practicing the techniques. Never practice while piloting a vehicle, or in or near bodies of water.”

Note that his warning does not say “driving a car,” it says, “piloting a vehicle.”  This is probably to make sure no one thinks that, while it might be dangerous to do this driving a car, it’s perfectly permissible while flying a plane.

I must confess that I did violate the warning about doing this near a body of water.  Call me a dare devil, but I’ve pushed the envelope.  I’ve practiced this several times mere inches from my morning coffee.

WHM involves breathing in and out quickly thirty times, then EXHALING and holding what little is left of your breath for a minute, then sucking in air and holding your breath for 15 seconds.  You repeat this two more times, except you hold your empty lungs for 90 seconds on the second two rounds. 

It’s quite a rush.  I’m not a recreational drug user, but I’ve got to admit that each time I’ve done it, I’ve felt like a stone-cold crack cocaine addict.  It’s a wild ride.

They say drug dealers groom new customers using a technique called, “The first one’s free.”  Well, good news. When it comes to WHM, so is the second one.

I only have one question –

Does “piloting a vehicle” include operating an excavator?

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

We’re Supposed To Be Productive During The Quarantine, So I’m Fixing the US Map

The United States is the sloppy roommate of First World countries.  Look at our map.  It’s a disaster. Whoever drew it was obviously high on “magic” mushrooms.  I should know. I live in Eugene.

Our western states are okay, with the possible exception of Idaho’s “panhandle,” but we’ll let that go, because the rest of the country is a hot geographical mess.

Here are our most delinquent states –

Oklahoma.

I can let Idaho’s panhandle slide, but Oklahoma’s panhandle is completely out of control.  It makes Oklahoma LOOK LIKE A POT.  (Do you understand?  Not a pan.  A pot!)  It’s a “pothandle.”

Do us all a favor, Oklahoma.  Chop it off and give it to Texas.

Michigan.

This state is a geographical Frankenstein.  Michigan has what is colloquially referred to as the “U.P.” or Upper Peninsula.  It’s not even attached!

It should be part of Wisconsin.  Or, hell, just give it to Canada.  (If they’ll take it). 

Mississippi.

Mississippi ranks last in every statistical category, with one exception.  It’s first in “Lack of Dignity.”  Why?  It lets Louisiana punk it by occupying half of Mississippi’s rightful coastline!

This is an outrage.  I am hereby calling on all Mississippians to pick up arms and seize possession of their coastal waterfront.  A few hundred causalities are a small price for Mississippians to regain their dignity.  (Send your teenagers to fight.  It’s not like they’re in high school.)

(Now that I notice it, you need to get your act together too, Alabama!)

Florida. 

It time to cut off this unsightly appendage.  It makes our country look weird, and it’s been nothing but a pain in the a** for decades. 

Forget the fact that they are incapable of properly filling out a ballot. From a Freudian perspective, Florida is the genitalia of the United States. And, frankly, it makes us look sexist. The Saudis are always buying ostentatious crap.  Sell it to them.  Let them worry about being eaten by a crocodile – OR, more likely, the Disney Corporation.   

Rhode Island. 

Rhode Island’s borders are fine.  I really should not have even included it here.  But look at it –

It’s NOT an island.  They’re lying to us.  We should force them to change their name to Rhode.  I feel VERY strongly about this.  I grew up on the west coast and attended Alsea Elementary School, so I only recently found out it wasn’t an island.  We simply cannot allow this pipsqueak state to pull this fast one on the nation any longer.

Vermont and New Hampshire. 

These states should merge.  Then it would be a nice, normal, rectangle-shaped state. 

We could name it “New Corona.”  This would remind us that, yes, this virus did devastate our country and drop us to our knees financially, but at least it gave us the opportunity to right this geographical wrong.

Finally, there is the BIG problem of –

MARYLAND!

Do I even need to say it?

Why in Sam Hill does Maryland have a rat tail sticking out toward the west?  I’m sorry, but this is an enormous, stinking elephant in our geographical living room.  It’s high time we confront it.  This is land that West Virginia should be polluting. 

Here is our New and Improved Post-Corona Map –

Now, that I’ve finally gotten this off my chest, I’ll let you get back to your productive quarantine activities.  You may now resume binge-watching Tiger King.

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

And subscribe!  It’s free!

It’s a “Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.”

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

The Top Ten Things You Need To Do To Prepare For The End of Quarantine

Good news!  Pretty soon your exhausting schedule of getting up at 10 a.m., eating ice cream straight from the container and pondering how many days it’s been since you last showered will come to an end.  Now is the time to prepare for your transition back to the “New Normal.” You may be wondering what the “New Normal” will look like.  Media pundits are saying this is a very difficult question.  I’ve given this a great deal of thought.  Here is the answer: Exactly like the “Old Normal.”

Here are the things you need to do to prepare to reenter the “Old Normal.”  (Print this list and tape it to your refrigerator):

Number Ten:  Stop drinking before noon.  (5 p.m. for you “go-getters”).  I know it’s been a few weeks, and you may have forgotten, but normal people don’t drink during the workday.  I’m sorry.

Number Nine:  Set your alarm for 10 a.m.  Then keep setting it back another 15 minutes a day.  You’re not in college.  It’s time to get your a** out of bed before noon.

Number Eight:  Cut back on the time you spend watching cat videos each day to three hours.  Yes, I do know they’re amusing.  Yes, I know this is asking a lot.

Number Seven:  Reduce your number of Facebook posts each day to ten.  I am NOT disagreeing with you – The photographs of EACH AND EVERY one of your meals IS fascinating.  How about this compromise – You can tell your friends what you had for breakfast during your morning break.  (You can even show them pictures of your omelet on your phone.)  They’ll be riveted. 

Number Six:  Sit down with your cat and explain how much you appreciated his willingness to let you remain in his home during the day.  When you do this, remember that your cat’s expression of complete indifference is his way of telling you he loves you.

Number Five:  Yell over your belly and down to your toes that you hope to be able to see them again in four to six weeks.

Number Four:  STOP.  GRAZING.  ALL.  DAY. (Truth be told, this should probably be steps one through ten).

Number Three:  Reacquaint yourself with a product you may have forgotten.  It’s called “deodorant.”

Number Two:  Brush your teeth.

Number One:  Watch a YouTube video explaining how to let out your pants – AND GET TO WORK!  You’ve got A LOT of sewing to do!

I wish you all the best of luck.  I am confident that if you follow these simple steps, you’ll slide smoothly right back into the “Old Normal.”

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

And subscribe!  It’s free!

It’s a “Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.”

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Milo the Dog Makes Plans to Survive the COVID-19 Crisis

Fearing the worst, Milo the Dog took a moment from licking his privates to draw up a contingency plan to survive the COVID-19 crisis.  Here are a few takeaways:

1. “First things first,” said Milo, “dogs can’t contract the coronavirus.  So at least there’s that.”  He continued, “Apparently, cats can get COVID-19.”  “Good luck, Oliver!” he added with a grin.”

2. “Am I depressed?  Am I a little off my game?  Of course, I am.  I bet I haven’t shoved my snout in an unsuspecting stranger’s crotch in the past three weeks.  Welcome to life in my ‘new normal.’”

3. “I’m currently staying with my owner’s father in Eugene.  They say that people who are over 60 are the most at risk.  Well, he’s 59 ½, so close enough.  Plus, he looks like he’s entering his ninth month of labor – with twins.  Based on what I see him scarfing down each day (Does this guy EVER skip meal?), he’s probably prediabetic.  What I’m trying to say, is that if he drops dead and I get trapped in the house, there’s going to be some good eat’n.  I’m not saying I would take any pleasure in it, for obvious reasons.  The main reason being that I can’t open the refrigerator door.  You know what that means?  No barbeque sauce!  I’d have to eat that fat bastard dry.”

4. “Thankfully, the toilet is full, so I’m good for water.  If need be, I think I can manage to push down on the lever with my paws.”

Milo summed up his plans as follows: “Food?  Check.  Water?  Check.  Dreaming of Oliver the Cat being stricken with the virus and being placed on a cat-sized respirator?  Check.”

With his COVID-19 crisis planning completed, Milo was finally able to return to his business at hand –

Licking his privates.

Could you do me a favor?

Please comment and share!

And subscribe! – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Study Finds People Who Subscribe to Humor Blogs are Smarter, Richer and Better Looking

EMERGENCY NEWS ALERT: Sources report that research conducted by a Harvard professor has found that people who subscribe to humor blogs are 77% more likely to be smarter, richer, and MUCH better looking.  Interestingly enough, it also found that subscribers have fresher breath. 

Because the coronavirus outbreak did not occur until the final weeks of the study, researchers could not DEFINITIVELY establish whether subscribers had a stronger immunity to the deadly virus; however, the evidence heavily suggested a stronger immune system. 

In a magnanimous effort to be fully transparent with you, my loyal readers, I must make one disclosure. (It’s really nothing to worry about):

I no longer have my copy of the actual study. 

This is due to a tragic circumstance beyond my control:  Milo the Dog ate my copy of the article.  No, I am not making this up.  Milo, in fact, ate my copy of the article.  As a result, you’re going to have to either try and find a copy of this study on your own, or better yet, take my word for it.

Some of you may be mildly suspicious of my claim.  I understand your skepticism.  Readers have reported to me that they cannot find this study.  And frankly, this concerns me, especially, because they say this in a tone that implies I’m lying.  I am not lying.  The reason this study has gone missing is obvious.  You’ve probably already guessed it.  Yes, one word: China. 

Red China has had it out for freedom loving humor writers ever since the Communist Revolution.  Why did you think they created all those reeducation camps?  Let me put it this way.  The People’s Republic wasn’t encouraging a lot of laughter within the barracks.

Look people, I am not saying that humor blog subscribers are smarter than the average Josephine.  Harvard Educated Scientists are saying it. 

Take this simple quiz to find out if you should be subscribing to a humor blog –

1. Are you smarter than the average ignoramus you’re forced to deal with on a daily basis?

2. Are you better looking than the average slob with a face like a ham sandwich. 

3. Are you richer (or would you be richer if it weren’t for all the international conglomerates and “insider” currency manipulators) than the average Dollar Store clerk?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, you are a narcissist and should be heavily medicated.  The good news is that you are also the PERFECT person to subscribe to a humor blog. 

But then the question arises…

Where can I find a humor blog?

Got a moment?

Please do me a favor and comment and share!

Also, consider subscribing – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

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And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

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Seven Rules for the College Playground –

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Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov