Nothing Says Quarantine Like Polishing Off A Full Quart of Ice Cream

All of this “sheltering in place” is getting a little old.  Mental health experts recommend finding a goal to accomplish during this time.  For example – Reading books you’ve had trouble finding time for.  Studying a foreign language.  Crocheting a blanket.  As it turns out, my goal appears to be putting on 20 pounds.

In my zeal to achieve my goal, I may be overdoing it.  In fact, I’ve decided to implement a hard and fast rule to keep myself under control: I am strictly limiting myself to a MAXIMUM of four meals a day.  And yes, I have been enforcing it.

Not to brag about being an overachiever, but I’ve decided to accomplish a second goal (to work on between meals).  This is to invent a million dollar product and appear on Shark Tank.  I’m employing a tried and true principle of product development: “Finding a need and filling it.”  Of course, this is easier said than done.  All the really good products that I might have been able to develop in my garage during the next few weeks have already been taken – the crescent wrench, bullet trains, the Flowbee haircutting system.  I found myself stuck. 


Before you read any further, you have to promise not to rip off my idea.  Okay?

[I’m serious! Stop reading NOW if you don’t agree to keep my genius invention strictly confidential.  This is LEGALLY BINDING people!]

Here it is –

You are familiar with the “beer koozie”?  This is that soft foam sleeve that you put a can of beer into to keep it cold?  (It’s essentially a beer overcoat.)  Well, as I was laying on the couch eating ice cream straight from the container (as I am apt to do), my hand was heating up the outside of container.  This was causing, literally, a major meltdown.  So, yeah!  You got it!  A koozie for a quart of ice cream!  I am even designing it with an ergonomic handle, so it won’t accidently slip when you reach for the remote, or awkwardly stagger to your feet to go use the can.

It is important that I make one thing clear: I am NOT calling myself a hero.  I’m just a regular guy, like you, trying to enjoy a serving (one quart) of ice cream while I watch Gold Rush. 

This I pledge to you – I will not stop in my pursuit of the perfect ice cream koozie, even if I have to lie on the couch and polish off a hundred quarts of ice cream.  I am doing this for mankind.  I am doing this for YOU. 

And it appears that as a result of my dedication, I’m on target to reach that 20-pound goal. 

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