If You Want to Kill Your Friend, Order the Pretzels

My wife and I went to dinner with two other couples last Friday night.  It was a very pleasant evening with one minor exception.  One of the couples, John and Julie, who are the nicest people in the world, tried to kill me.  Don’t get me wrong, I love these people, but one more assassination attempt, and it might negatively affect our relationship.

I should have seen it coming.  Shortly after we sat down, Julie ordered a Bloody Mary.  A Bloody Mary.  But was I paying attention?  Did this place me on alert?  In my defense, I was distracted by how tasty the drink looked.

What method did this lovely couple use to try to kill me?  Poison?  Too pedestrian.  Stiletto?  Passé.  Their plan was far more clever, and if I may say, devious.  They chose Death by Pretzel.  Specifically, Bavarian pretzel.

The plan ingeniously took advantage of the fact that I am an Oregon State University alumni.  In other words, I am a Beaver – a proud member of Beaver Nation.  Here is a description of the deadly appetizer from the menu –

Beaver mustard?  Certainly they knew I could not resist.  I picked up a piece of pretzel and dipped it in the beaver mustard.  Then I enthusiastically bit down.  I immediately noticed its texture.  It was as soft and chewy as a lug wrench.  And, it broke off part of my tooth.  (Talk about a “killer appetizer.”)

Luckily for me, at my dentist’s office, comfort is “Job One.”  No expense is spared.  Here is the view from the dental chair showing the soft, body-sculpted, yet ergo dynamic visitor’s chair –

I hadn’t been to my dentist in some time, and shortly after the assistant had me take a seat in the dental chair, a very serious face swung around to greet me.  At first, I thought it was my dentist, Dr. Larson.  (He has been getting up in age).  But then I realized he couldn’t have changed THAT much.  Here’s the face –

It turned out to be Tucker, a certified “Dental Emotional Support Dog.”  Okay, he might not be officially certified – maybe online or something.

Dr. Larson arrived, and I was amazed at his skill.  Not every dentist can treat a patient while a 150 pound dog is trying to climb on the patient’s lap.  (Tucker takes his job very seriously.)

As a result of this “near miss” on my life, and after deep contemplation, I have reluctantly decided to placed John and Julie on “double secret probation.”  Absolute zero tolerance.  I’m putting my foot down.  One more attempt to take my life, and they will pay the ultimate price.  I’m going to make them come with me to Dr. Larson’s office and sit in that visitor’s chair.


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