“Social Distancing” Lesson One: Weaponizing Bad Breath

Nothing says social distancing like murderous breath. 

Commit this lifesaving motto to memory:

Stinky Breath Today, Keep Coronavirus Away!

Bad breath buys you – AT A MINIMUM – a three-foot buffer zone.

I’m not sure where the whole six-foot buffer zone came from, but it makes sense.  The average American isn’t six feet tall, so even in the sudden and unexpected drop-dead emergency, you are unlikely to be in the “strike zone.”

We know a lot about this here in Oregon, because Oregon law requires that drivers stay at least six feet away from bicyclists.  I’m not bragging, but we were ready for the Coronavirus before being ready for the Coronavirus was cool.    

Please consider employing these “Kung Fu” Breath Safety Techniques:

The Morning “Coat of Armor” – After you brush your teeth, begin your day with a steaming cup of dark coffee laced with a heavily sweetened creamer.  Roll it around in your mouth.  Use your tongue to massage it into the deep recesses of your mouth.  Let it sit and marinate on your tongue until it works its way in between your taste buds.  Before long, even your best friends will call you “Dragon Breath” to your face.

The “Lunch Break Six-Shooter” – According to Bianca Mendez, in her article, “The 22 Best and Worst Foods for Your Breath,” she writes, “Any fish that comes out of a can is going to carry a stench. And when you lunch on tuna, that smell isn’t going to disappear. When fish gets tinned, it begins to oxidize, which is why they have a scent. This smell clings to your mouth, giving your breath an unpleasant fishy odor.”  There you have it folks; canned tuna is your new best friend!

The “Nuclear Option” – I’m not a licensed and accredited biologist, but it is my understanding that as bacteria breaks down protein in food, it creates sulfur compounds.  And sulfur compounds smell like, wait for it… rotten eggs!  So as we confront today’s Coronavirus challenge, remember that it’s perfectly fine to be an Egg-Head.

Please use these helpful techniques to create a toxic plume that not even the Coronavirus would dare penetrate.

And, of course –


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