Okay, the Olympics highlight the best of human achievement, and those achievements are met with the highest level of respect and judgment. Amen to that! But, DAMN, I’m jealous. Why just them? Why can’t us hard working criminal defense lawyers garner some of that respect and high level of judgment? We train just as hard, right? It’s called the “practice” of law and we “practice practice practice” all day long…..
Therefore, based upon the foregoing two weeks of my obsessive watching of the Winter Olympics, to the detriment of the Westminster Dog Show (yes, I sadly missed seeing Biggee, the Pug, win the Toy Group but then get robbed of Best in Show (see #BiggeeGotRobbed), I demand the following:
1. A “Kiss and Cry” booth outside the courtroom while I await my trial verdict. I want it to be staffed with a seasoned commentator (John Henry Hingson – can you hear me?). It’s where I get credit for my “try and fail” as better than not trying at all, a reiteration of all of my prior accomplishments, a representation of the expectation that I will prevail, and the recognition of the challenges I faced coming into this competition. And stuffed animals. Lots of stuffed animals.
2. I will express my sense of personal accomplishment after a contested objection or oral argument, before the judge rules,(aka the score comes in). “BOOOYA,” I exclaim, as I spin my legal pad across the court room. “OH HELL YEAH- NAILED IT!!!” If Shawn White can throw his helmet into the crowd after finishing a run, I can surely pull off my sensible pump and bounce it off the wall above the prosecutor’s head with an exclamation of accomplishment and joy!
3. Just like the half-pipe snow boarders, I get three attempts at each
cross, direct, opening and closing, and I will be judged only upon my
highest scores. Period.
4. And once, just once, in closing argument, my co-counsel will elevate me in an overhead lift and spin as I exhibit my resplendent core strength, jazz fingers, and impeccable sense of rhythm, while articulately detailing my story of innocence to the jury, finishing with a triple Salchow combination jump where we stick the landing. Hmmm – “stick the landing” is gymnastic speak…….I’m getting ahead of myself for the 2020 Summer Olympics….
stay tuned for more suggestions.