I’ve Abandoned All Reason and Self-Preservation Instincts: I’m Now Driving the Speed Limit!

Bungy jumping, big wave surfing, skydiving – all these have one thing in common, they’re kids’ play!  I’m now driving the speed limit!  Cop cars are shooting past me right and left.  On their way to an emergency?  No, on their way to lunch. Remember when the highway speed limit was 55 mph during the […]

My Wife Announced She Had Arranged A Vacation For Us To Chicago To Get Murdered

Okay, my wife didn’t tell me we were going to Chicago to get murdered.  What she actually said was, “I planned a trip for us to Chicago.”  My brain added the “to get murdered” part.  There are “vacation people” and “non-vacation people.”  I am a non-vacation person.  So, I was immediately irritated that I had […]

Scientists Announce Amazing New Diet Called: “Stop eating like a pig!”

After a new “double-blind” study, scientists have announced that their “control group” of individuals who did not “eat like a pig,” lost significantly greater weight than the, “ate like a pig” group (who actually gained 7% over the three-month study). This announcement has already sparked intense controversy in the food industry.  Scientists from Nabisco, Kellogg’s, […]

There’s Nothing Like Having Your Chair Collapse at a Restaurant to Make You Take a Hard Look in the Mirror

I consider myself overweight, but I do not consider myself “fat.”  I suffer from the same psychological affliction as drivers who travel 8 mph over the speed limit who look with distrain at those maniacs going 12 mph over the limit. That was until last night, when my world came crashing down – along with […]

I Just Kicked a Woman Out of the Men’s Bathroom, Only It Wasn’t the Men’s Bathroom

I just kicked a woman and her two young children out of the men’s bathroom at the Fred Meyer’s Department Store in downtown Portland.  Only… it wasn’t the men’s bathroom. Because I can’t blame myself, I’ll blame the store for its poor bathroom labeling practices.  (I should sue them.) Here’s how the whole thing went […]