When I First Heard the Term “The Silent Killer” I Thought They Were Talking About a Fart

I recently made the enormous mistake of taking my blood pressure on one of those home testing machines.  When I saw the reading, it almost gave me a heart attack!  Let me put it this way, if my blood pressure was the stock market, we’d all be lighting cigars with hundred-dollar bills and sipping Dom Perignon.  My blood pressure was one nanoparticle from the zone labeled, “Seek medical attention now!”

I took immediate action.  And by, “took immediate action,” I mean I whacked the machine a couple of times and tried it again.  Yikes!  The same shocking result.  It was either broken, or my life expectancy was about two-hours.

Doctors call high blood pressure “the silent killer.”  (My old knucklehead friends at Alsea Elementary would beg to differ.  They had a different definition, but I digress.) 

The medical community loves to invent witty little names for medical conditions.  “The Silent Killer” is right up there with another medical knee-slapper, “The Widow Maker.”


Confronted with this dire situation, there was only one sensible course of action.  So, I started pondering whether I would rather die from a heart attack or a stroke. 

By chance, my bi-five-yearly physical was scheduled the next week.  I pictured a nurse taking my blood pressure and screaming, “Heart attack on a plate!  I need a stretcher!  STAT!”

In the meantime, I stumbled across a book called The Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet, by Dr. Mark Hyman.  He claims that if you follow his diet, you will dramatically improve your vital signs, increase your overall health, and lose weight.

Let me summarize the diet –

No sugar (of, course)

No starchy vegetables (my favorite)

No sugar laden fruits (again, my favorite)

No processed foods

No dairy

No legumes (for my fellow geniuses from Alsea Elementary, this means no beans).

No caffeine

And, most painfully, no alcohol.

You’ve heard the phrase, “grass-fed beef?”  Go on this diet and you be a “grass-fed person.”  I’m just kidding!  You get to eat regular servings of protein. 

I was two days into this diet when I saw my doctor.  Surprisingly, my blood pressure was high, but not crazy high.  My doctor told me to track it over the next month or so and report back if it got much higher.

This morning, my blood pressure was 105 over 69!  So, I took immediate action!  I whacked the machine on the side a couple of times and retook the test.

Let me put it this way.  If my blood pressure were the stock market, we’d all be destitute and living in cardboard boxes!

Thank you, Dr. Hyman!

***The End***

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