I haven’t been tested, but according to the internet, I have the Coronavirus. I’m not 100% sure. How could I be? I am 99% sure.
Here is how I know –
First, I Googled “early Coronavirus symptoms.” The internet told me the three most common signs were: Cough, Fever and Respiratory Difficulty. I do not have a cough. I do not have a fever, and I do not have any respiratory difficulty. So, obviously, I had to continue my search.
Second, I clicked another reliable source (It was posted on the internet) and found a list of 15 early warning signs of Coronavirus. Now I was getting somewhere.
Finally, I found it! The very first sign on the list was, “Fatigue.”
Diagnosis CONFIRMED! I didn’t need to waste my time looking further. I definitely felt fatigued. In fact, I am going to take nap right after I finish writing this important ALERT.
I will now begin taking standard Coronavirus precautions. And we all know what that means. As soon as I’m done with my nap, I will be heading directly to Costco to buy massive quantities of toilet paper.
I am not quite sure what I’m supposed to do with all the toilet paper. I haven’t asked the internet yet. I plan to Google that as soon as I unload my toilet paper.
Next, I will call my employer and inform him that I will be “self-quarantining” myself for the next 14 days. This will be a difficult conversation because I’m self-employed. As a boss, I can be a real pain in the a**. In fact, if I keep insisting that I need to self-quarantine, I might have to fire myself. I’ll just have to see how the conversation goes.
Finally, I’ll have to contact all the major presidential campaigns and let them know not to expect me at any of their rallies. I’ll especially have to do this for Joe Biden, because that will likely drop his audience into single digits.
Wish me luck! I hope to see you all on the “other side” of my scary health emergency.
AND WASH YOUR HANDS!
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