Americans went on a health kick back in the 1970s. Organic this, organic that. Salad bars as far as the eye could see. But those days are over. International House of Pancakes (IHOP) has created a hamburger WITH A PANCAKE IN IT. If it isn’t served with a ladle of corn syrup poured over it, […]
The nonprofit “Open the Books” has published a San Francisco “poop map.” (Google it if you don’t believe me.) The “Poop Map” charts all the locations where volunteer poop reporters have found “deposits” of human fecal matter. After this map was published, most people looked at it and only saw the obvious –– one BIG […]
I’ve decided to enlist in the Space Force. Is it for patriotism? No. Is it my duty to my fellow citizen? No. I’m doing it for one reason, and one reason only: Tang. If you are under 50, you might not be familiar with Tang. Tang is a beverage that scientists developed for astronauts in […]
I was typing away furiously yesterday on a topic I felt would be near and dear to my readers – the San Francisco Poop Map, when a subject even more important (if you can believe that) came bursting into my living room. It was Maximum Security – the only undefeated horse in the Kentucky Derby. […]
I shamelessly stole this story from a friend who I will refer to for the purposes of this column as “Bo.” This is because his true, accurate and legal name is Bo Mackey. Bo told me this story in confidence, so please, whatever you do, keep it to yourself. It is now my favorite story. […]
We used to have a cat, but we gave it away. We had a good reason. It turned out after we got it, that it was A Cat. As a result, we have been cat-less. Recently, however, our cat-less life came to a screeching halt. It began with a phone call from my wife – […]
There is a recent trend among millennials. They have taken a break from coifing their man-buns and drinking “locally roasted” “small batch” coffee, to start a new irritating trend. They’re buying record players. I first noticed this when my millennial daughter bought one. Then my millennial nephew. It’s an epidemic. But here’s the rub – […]
I was stuck behind a pickup recently. I’m not sure why, but this truck seemed incredibly masculine. I thought that perhaps it was the style of the bumper. But on closer inspection, the bumper seemed quite ordinary — Then, I thought it might be the license plate. But what’s more gender-neutral than a Hawaiian license […]
My wife and I went to dinner with two other couples last Friday night. It was a very pleasant evening with one minor exception. One of the couples, John and Julie, who are the nicest people in the world, tried to kill me. Don’t get me wrong, I love these people, but one more assassination […]
My investment advisor recently told me that the stock market is ripe for a “correction.” “Correction” is code for, “Hold onto your shorts, your 401K is about to enter a death spiral steeper than an Acapulco cliff diver.” Luckily, I have stumbled onto a new investment strategy – french bulldogs. As my loyal readers know, […]