Why You Should Cash Out Your 401K and Buy French Bulldogs (Despite All the Farting)

My investment advisor recently told me that the stock market is ripe for a “correction.”  “Correction” is code for, “Hold onto your shorts, your 401K is about to enter a death spiral steeper than an Acapulco cliff diver.”  Luckily, I have stumbled onto a new investment strategy – french bulldogs.

As my loyal readers know, I occasionally dog sit for my daughter’s dog, Milo.  I consider myself a minority shareholder in a kind of “doggy timeshare.”  But my percentage is pretty skimpy, so I started looking for my own dog.

About one second into researching french bulldogs, I discovered their most prominent feature –  They cost their weight in gold-plated, diamond studded platinum.  The puppy above is a bargain at $3,600.  That’s not a typo.  It’s Three Thousand, Six-Hundred Dollars!  And that’s just because it probably has buck teeth, or maybe it’s missing a standard body part.  Here’s one a little farther up the price chain –

To put this in perspective, Milo cost $1.95.  (Or maybe the pound just gave him away.  I’m not sure.)  How did this happen?  A cute dog like Milo is practically free, and a french bulldog, not exactly known for their ravenous beauty, cost the same as a modestly used Hyundai Sonata?

Because I’m a cheapskate, I didn’t want to shell out thousands on an ugly dog.  So I decided to google, “Reasons not to own a french bulldog.”

This article popped up – “10 Reasons to NOT Adopting or Buying a French Bulldog,” by Ignacio Santiago.  Reason #1 was, “Possibly, it is the most flatulent dog of the world.”  Here is his full commentary on reason #1:

“Don´t make a mistake, we are not talking about one or two farts per
week. We are talking about a constant cloud of bad smell around the
french bulldog. Not only that, also they burp after eating. Besides,
don´t think they will cut you off when someone is visiting. Whoever it
is, they will eat a frenchie fart 100% sure.”

French bulldogs are the Gatling gun of canine farters.  But, when considering any investment, the first rule is Do The Math.  Here it is –

Let’s say you buy one of the cheaper, possibly defective, french bulldog’s for $3,600.

French bulldogs live an average of 11 years.

That’s about 4, 015 days.

That’s only about 90 cents a day.

At an average of 10 FPDs (Farts per day), that’s only 9 cents a fart.

That’s not bad.

This is why (all you kids out there, listen up) math is so important.  Because now we know that mathematically speaking french bulldogs are currently a bargain.  But the clock is ticking.

I’m going to cash out my 401K and corner the market.  All you suckers can go ahead and stand firm with the stock market.  But with carefully planning, and the right strategy, as the average FPD increases to 12 cents, or (do I dare to dream?) 15 cents, I’ll be sitting pretty.  Smelly, yes.  But pretty.


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