I’ve decided to enlist in the Space Force. Is it for patriotism? No. Is it my duty to my fellow citizen? No. I’m doing it for one reason, and one reason only: Tang.
If you are under 50, you might not be familiar with Tang. Tang is a beverage that scientists developed for astronauts in the 1960s. Using cutting-edge technology, NASA scientists were finally able to overcome the challenging task of combining sugar and orange dye.
Drinking Tang by the gallon is how we kids were able to feel like we were a part of our country’s space program. And by “feel like we were a part of,” I mean drinking it until we had an intense sugar high and then running around in circles like nuts.
I, for one, long for the days when 95% of my breakfast consisted of liquefied sugar.
‘But, Jack,’ you say, ‘do you mean that if I enlist in the Space Force that I’ll be forced to drink Tang three times a day, my teeth will rot out, and I’ll gain 50 pounds by the end of basic training?’ Don’t be silly, you’ll gain at least 75. It’s called sacrificing for your country people! Get over it. Stop with all the me, me, me!
There are other benefits to enlisting in the Space Force –
Weightless “slimming”
When you’re floating in space, those “love handles” that hang on your sides like smoked hams will magically disappear. Without gravity, your love handles, and any of your other handles, will simply blend into your weightless blob-like shape. You’ll look great. Really. Just because I’m being paid a commission for every Space Force recruit I sign up doesn’t mean I’d lie to you (well, not necessarily).
Nifty Space Force Uniforms
Have you seen Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan? ‘Nuff said.
Look, I’m not saying the Space Force is for everyone. There are plenty of people who wouldn’t fit in. The Space Force is only for those who are unselfish, love our country, and have decided not to live their lives in a narcissistic manner, void of all true value or meaning. So if you “bow out,” I understand.
And just like the Army, the Space Force will have a “buddy program.” So you can sign up with a friend. I’m still looking for a buddy, so if you’re interested, let me know. In the meantime, I’ve already started my conditioning regimen to prepare for boot camp. I’m sucking down Tang by the gallon.
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