Millennials take a break from coifing their man-buns to begin another irritating trend

There is a recent trend among millennials.  They have taken a break from coifing their man-buns and drinking “locally roasted” “small batch” coffee, to start a new irritating trend.  They’re buying record players.  I first noticed this when my millennial daughter bought one.  Then my millennial nephew.  It’s an epidemic.  But here’s the rub –

Millennials (primarily, male millennials) are defending their purchase of these record players by claiming they produce better sound.  Female millennials are quick to admit they are buying them because they’re cool, but male millennials can’t bring themselves to admit this.  So they’ve invented this excuse.  Of course, there is only one reason they could think people will believe this – They’ve wound their man-buns too tight.

My millennial friends and relatives:  Please take it from the hundreds of millions of us around the globe that have lived in both the vinyl and digital music world.  Your claim that vinyl records produce better sound is FAKE NEWS!

Listen up –

  1. Dust. That cardboard sleeve records are sold in is called a “dust jacket.” Any speck of dust on the record causes an irritating little “pop” when the needle hits it. Dust jackets help keep the dust off, but unless you’re planning on playing your records inside the “clean room” at MIT’s Nanotechnology Department, it’s always an issue.
  2. Scratching. Vinyl records scratch easily. True, this is only a problem if you want to actually play your record. And even then, it’s only a problem during each rotation.  Let’s put it this way – The sound of the needle hitting a scratch makes you long for the comparatively melodic “pop” of the needle hitting a speck of dust.
  3. Warping. Vinyl records warp. If a vinyl record even thinks you are going to take it outside, or heaven help you, you leave it in your car for thirty seconds when the temperature is above freezing, it’s going heat up and warp.  See how much better it sounds than digital after that.

And the Granddaddy reason of them all that confirms, beyond even the wildest millennial speculation, that digital music sounds better than vinyl…

  1. Digital music has practically wiped out musicians’ profits. They have to go on the road and sell concert tickets to make any real money. That wasn’t the case when they sold vinyl.  If musicians thought for a moment that they could convince their fans that records sounded better, they would be promoting that fact 24/7.  They’d never shut up about it.  You would see an endless stream of commercials on television and radio promoting vinyl records.  There is nothing easier to bootleg than digital music.

But, my millennial friends, setting these minor issues aside, yeah.  You’re probably right – I’m sure vinyl sounds better.


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