Jun 012019
 

The nonprofit “Open the Books” has published a San Francisco “poop map.”  (Google it if you don’t believe me.)  The “Poop Map” charts all the locations where volunteer poop reporters have found “deposits” of human fecal matter.  After this map was published, most people looked at it and only saw the obvious –– one BIG pile of poop.  However, I looked at it and immediately smelled an opportunity.

Let me explain ––

If you look closely, you’ll see that not a single pile of poop was reported on the Golden Gate Bridge.  Not one!  The Golden Gate Bridge is 1.6 miles across.  That’s 1.6 miles of virgin territory.  To an industrious individual with a “can-do” attitude, this presents a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  If somebody acts quickly, he can be the first to leave his not-so indelible mark on one of the world’s greatest engineering achievements.

One of man’s deepest longings is to leave a reminder to the world that he existed.  To the first “taker” (or “leaver” as the case may be) of this opportunity, this hero is one deuce away from immortality. 

When Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon, do you really think the only thing he left behind was a flag?  Look, I don’t pretend to be an official NASA historian, but I’ve been on plenty of road trips.  And if there is one thing I know about road trips, it’s that when the car finally pulls into a gas station, “things” get left behind.  How far is it to the moon again?  A quarter of a million miles?  Do the math.

This “Golden” (Gate) opportunity isn’t going to last long folks.  The San Francisco Poop Map is popping up all over cable news.  Noticing this situation isn’t exactly like deciphering an Egyptian Hieroglyphic.  It’s staring all of us in the face.

Someone needs to step up.  And that someone is YOU.

I’ll even provide step-by-step instructions –– 

Wear a long overcoat.  Walk about half way across, and then pretend like you’re just bending over to catch your breath.  Bingo-bong-o.  Done.  Mission accomplished.     

And once you’ve proven you have the “right stuff” to leave your mark on San Francisco’s most iconic landmark, why rest on your laurels?  Shoot for the stars!  How so, you ask? Take another look at the map.  Another challenge awaits.  Another mountain to climb.  This is because, believe it or not ––

The pristine (and poop-less) shores of Alcatraz sits innocently awaiting your arrival. 

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