By Jack Edwards
It’s time for another edition of the always popular, News from the Neighborhood. This is where we wander out into the wild and untamed lands of upper-middleclass Suburbia to explore strange and exotic cultures and experience foreign “points of view,” such as the Fishman family, featured in our last edition that begins stringing Christmas lights on their multi-level ranch home in mid-July.
In this edition, we meet Bill and Jolene who live just down the street from me in the forest green Victorian. The couple is currently recovering from the shock that their retirement “nest egg” just developed a crack. They learned last week that Bill’s elderly parents had decided to take advantage of a Reverse Home Mortgage. The couple knew that Bill’s parents respected actor and Senator Fred Thompson. In fact, they have several of his movies recorded on VHS. As everyone knows, Fred Thompson has been touting the Reverse Home Mortgage program on television every five seconds, encouraging elderly Americans to use their home equity to enjoy their golden years.
“It hit us like a ton of bricks,” said Jolene. “We stopped by for Sunday dinner, and there they were. Brochures. Cruise lines, motorhomes, European tours.”
“I saw one for a timeshare in Puerto Vallarta,” added Bill in an exasperated tone. “Neither one of them can handle spicy Mexican food. They’ve lost their minds.”
“The sad thing is,” Jolene explained, “they were so content. They owned their home free and clear, and they always managed to make ends meet with Social Security.”
“That Craftsman home of theirs sits smack dab in the University District. It’s worth a mint. I can’t believe they fell victim to that shyster Thompson with his slick commercials and confident reassurance that they would never lose their home.”
“It’s devastating,” said Jolene. “Their Craftsman was the cornerstone of our retirement plan. Both of them have cardiac failure in their family histories. There’s almost no chance either will linger with a chronic illness that will eat away at their savings.”
“They’ll drop like rocks,” Bill agreed flatly.
“Surely you have a Plan B,” I asked.
“Well,” Bill began glancing over at his wife. “We do, but it’s a distance second choice to the Bonanza of living off the sale of that Craftsman.”
“Prison,” said Jolene.
“What?” I asked.
“Prison. I don’t know if you noticed, but the government has been spending a bundle on new prisons. And they come with full medical and dental.”
“Yeah, I know it sounds crazy,” added Bill, “but we’ve been looking around. We’d have to live apart, but several states allow conjugal visits. We’re looking into that. Of course, we’d like minimum security.”
“And a nice view,” said Jolene.
“We’re thinking bank robbery. That’d be a win-win. If we get away free and clear, we enjoy the loot. If we get caught, welcome Plan B,” Bill explained.
The couple paused and sat silently, reflecting on their sudden change in circumstance.
“That damned that Fred Thompson,” Bill shook his head.
“Damn him to hell,” added Jolene.
And with that, I slinked away to check on how the Fishmans were coming along with the lights.