Five Secrets for Surviving a Garage Sale

Garage Sale

By Jack Edwards

Garage sale season is upon us. Time to clean out those closets and let total strangers pick through your castoff housewares, kitchenwares and underwears. However, as a veteran operator of several of these hillbilly storefronts, allow me to share Five Secrets for Surviving a Garage Sale.

The first, and by FAR the most important rule to remember when planning a garage sale is this:

1.  “Do not, under any circumstances, have a garage sale.”

I’m serious. Forget the whole idea. It’s insane. Short of being a pauper trying to scrape up enough money for granny’s lifesaving operation, don’t stoop to this sub-minimum wage endeavor. In fact, don’t even do it if you’re that desperate pauper. If you’re lucky, you’ll make enough for the paper gown they give granny at check-in. Life is too short to haggle over a slightly used Snicker doodle scented candle.

The whole notion of a garage sale is a mystery to me. I am unfamiliar with the customs of most other countries, especially ones ending with “istan.” And frankly, as I discover on a daily basis, I am also unfamiliar with more than a few of my own country’s. So I don’t know if garage sales are an American thing, or an everywhere thing, much less an “istan” thing. For example, I am wholly at a loss to tell you whether babushkas in Russia arrange their USSR memorabilia in front of their dachas for a weekend sale.

In the good ole US of A, spreading your tarnished kitchenware, dust covered sporting goods and broken electronics across your driveway is as American as apple pie, baseball and Snuggies (which, by the way, you’ll never find at a garage sale, because – trust me on this one – Snuggies are the greatest invention since the combustible engine).

I will continue with my list of Garage Sale Secrets in the spirit of the Greek philosopher Plato, who once said, “Wise is the man who listens to those who came before him, before putting price stickers on his used tunics.” So, we continue:

2.   “Beef up security.”

I suggest renting Seal Team 6. Position, at a minimum, one sniper on the roof. And if you actually have a garage, bolt the door and board up any exterior windows with tempered sheets of steel. Garage sale customers are like locusts, they arrive without notice and consume everything in their path. They’ll be hovering outside your garage knocking on the door at sunrise minus 30 minutes.

3.  “Just say no.”

Of course, the “Just say no” rule originated with Nancy Reagan; however, she adapted it to garage sale use after her husband left office. This was due to the 95% phenomenon. Let me explain. Garage sale customers fall into two categories: Type A – Bored but otherwise normal people too cheap to spring for a matinee movie ticket (5%), and Type B – People who look like they last combed their hair 12 years ago who leave their rusted-out Dodge Caravan (still running) parked blocking your driveway (95%). Type B people identify themselves by repeatedly picking up items and asking obnoxious questions. Example: Lady with most of her hair leaning starboard from sleeping the night before lifting a stack of plastic Hello Kitty cups, “What year were these made?” Suggested answer, “No.”

4.  “Periodically yell out ‘Everything is negotiable! No UNREASONABLE offer rejected!’”

The suggested interval to yell this is every 3 ½ minutes. Remember, you are going to haul all of your leftover treasures to Goodwill at the end of this extravaganza anyway. Save yourself the lower back pain.

5.  “Accept every offer.”

This is an exception to the “Just Say No” rule above, otherwise called the “Just say yes” rule. Whether it’s a quarter or a dollar, Goodwill and/or the dump don’t pay. If one of your valued customers has it in his hands and verbalize an interest in hauling it off in his rusty Caravan, make sure he leaves with it – even if you have to toss it through his open car window as he drives away.

Now that you have sadly wasted several precious minutes of your life reading secret rules 2 through 5, for your own peace of mind and general wellbeing, go back and read Rule 1 again. The lady at Goodwill is eagerly awaiting your stack of used underwear.

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