Tag Archives: lol

Gold Rush: Living Room Couch Edition

By Jack Edwards

I’m not going to point fingers, but there are people who think there is no difference between men and women (aside from a little plumbing).  To these people, I have two words: Are you completely insane?  Wait, that’s four words.  My error.  I meant these two words: Gold Rush.

Gold Rush is a reality television show that airs Friday nights on the Discovery Channel.  It follows a group of daring individuals who aggressively compete for the affections of a handsome young man.  Wait.  My mistake again.  That’s The Bachelor.  Gold Rush is slightly different.  Yes, there are bachelors on the show, but many lack certain social refinements, like basic hygiene.  These guys spend their summers working on three gold mining crews in the Alaskan Yukon.

The only people who watch Gold Rush are guys.  No women, and by this, I mean absolutely NO women, watch Gold Rush.  I know this because I conducted a scientific survey.  As you may know, the key to a valid survey is selecting a statistically proportionate sample of the public, in this case, the female public.  I employed the following “empirical” study protocol:  I asked my mom, my wife, both of my daughters and a lady in the grocery store line buying a box of Franzia wine, and none of them liked Gold Rush.

Guys love Gold Rush for three reasons:

  1. It shows a bunch of rugged adventurous guys (not unlike themselves, they imagine), operating heavy equipment in the wilderness mining gold, while super loud music pounds away in the background.
  2. …Hmmmm…

Okay, there’s only one reason.  Guys like Gold Rush for one reason.

These are the mining crews-

The Beets Crew.  Tony Beets owns this outfit.  To picture Tony, imagine one of those troll dolls from the 1970s, except imagine it a lot hairier and screaming the F word at everybody.  Tony drops the F-Bomb at least 1000 times per episode.  And that’s just when he’s talking to his children.

The Schnabel Crew.  Parker Schnabel runs this outfit.  Parker is 22 years old and spent his off season last year in Australia.  He must have misunderstood when he heard about the Gold Coast.  He didn’t come back with any gold, but he did come back with a blonde bombshell who he put to work driving a rock truck.  (And I bet even she doesn’t watch the show).

The Hoffman Crew.  Todd Hoffman leads this bunch.  If his business had a mission statement, it would read:  We seek to locate the richest and most profitable gold mining ground available, and then avoid it at all cost.  He’s currently navigating Chapter 7 bankruptcy (Just kidding, Todd!)

I wholeheartedly recommend the show.  But I have one warning for the guys:  Don’t even think about watching it unless you’re willing to commit to the show 100%.  It’s like crack cocaine.  Tell your family that your Fridays nights from here on out are booked.  (You might want to consider recording The Bachelor to keep them occupied.)

My Stupid Column

Micro Final

By Jack Edwards

This week’s Jocularious.com column takes on a very sensitive subject. A subject that many readers may lack the emotional fortitude to digest. No, the subject is not obesity. (I felt the need to point this out because I was concerned the word digest might mislead you in a gastrological direction.) This week’s topic is far more serious than obesity. This week’s column takes on a new epidemic that threatens our nation’s security: Stupid people.

Now, before you go getting all Oprah on me, consider this. Formal psychological IQ classifications before 1970 included, in increasing levels of intelligence: idiots, imbeciles and morons (to clarify, prior to 1970, if you called an idiot a moron, you were paying him a compliment). Nowhere on this list was the classification of “stupid.” Anyone can be stupid. You can be a genius and be stupid. Case in point, 43% of all Ivy League professors purchased the “Protection Plan” the last time they bought a television at Best Buy.

To protect you, the reader, from the danger of being traumatized, I have devised a simple test to determine whether you should read this week’s column.

A few months ago, I mentioned that the nutritional wave of the future might be roadkill. This may not have been exactly what I said, but please don’t expect me to keep track of all the intellectual gems I shower on you each week. Anyway, in my roadkill column, I mentioned a bumper sticker I plan to market. (My patent is still pending.) It reads: “I brake for small animals,” and then immediately beneath that line in smaller print it reads, “taller than my bumper.” Here’s the test. Ask yourself this question: If you came across this bumper sticker and considered buying it (not buy – just considered buying it), then you may safely proceed.

[Official beginning of this week’s column – PROCEED WITH CAUTION!]

We have all found ourselves sitting in a classroom or in meeting of some sort when the speaker ends his presentation by asking if anyone has a question. This is immediately followed up with, “Remember, there is no such thing as a stupid question.” And you immediately think, ‘Of course there is. And I think we’re about to hear a few.” This is obviously intended to encourage questions from the audience. Side note: You’d think the speaker would want to discourage questions. Wouldn’t a lack of questions mean that he had given a full and complete presentation? Covered all the bases so to speak? It should be a goal – an aspiration even – to give a presentation where no one in the audience had a single stupid question. But I digress.

My wife will tell you that I have dubbed this portion of any meeting: “Stupid Question Time.” She will say this in a mildly irritated voice. And she might also tell you that if you are unfortunate enough to be sitting next to me, I will feel the need to lean over and whisper, “Stupid Question Time.”

You can only imagine how I then feel when I inevitably ask a question during stupid question time. In my defense, my question is often prompted by a previous stupid question.

This is why I am leading a revolution to ban all meetings. Meetings became obsolete the day they invented the mimeograph machine. Remember mimeographs? Remember strapping the original to the drum and then hand cranking copies while getting high off that chemical it used? (Note to self – look up the name of that chemical and buy a bottle.) Now we have email. We even have group emails allowing people to ask stupid questions to their hearts galore. It’s a regular “reply all” nirvana.

This concludes my presentation for the week. If any of you have a question, I’d be happy to answer it. Just click on the “comment” button and send it to me. Remember, there’s no such thing….

The Guy’s Guide to the Perfect Wedding

Wedding

By Jack Edwards

The wedding season is rapidly approaching, and as I’m sure you ladies have noticed, all us guys are DEFCON 5 excited. This is, of course, because it signals the beginning of trout season. Recent Harvard studies show that 97% of guys would rather spend a Saturday trout fishing than going within 100 miles of a wedding – including their own. (The last three percent want to play the video game “Call of Duty: Black Ops.”)

Let’s put it this way. The circulation of Wedding Style magazine is roughly ONE BILLION. While this number may be off by a copy or two, I am confident of this: No guy has ever voluntarily opened a cover of Wedding Style magazine. A copy of Wedding Style magazine could be sitting in the barbershop surrounded by nothing but Jehovah’s Witness pamphlets. Guys will leave the shop with a fresh haircut and a little wiser in the area of Jehovah’s Witness theology.

Ladies, here are a few tips-

1. A new wedding ritual is in order. It’s called a “Pre-Wedding.” If you’ve ever attended a college football game, it’s similar to a tailgater. A Pre-Wedding can be held in the church parking lot, or in the reception hall. The actual location will be, by new tradition, “bride’s choice” (remember, it is her special day).

2. A full forty-three percent of guys have gotten engaged, married, and finished their honeymoons without knowing there was such a thing as “wedding colors.” The other fifty-seven percent consider those guys lucky. This is because they had the subject of wedding colors beat into them like a Russian Babushka beats a rug. New tradition: The bride keeps the groom “in suspense” of her wedding colors until they are revealed at the Pre-Wedding.

3. Halfway through the wedding, the minister will blow a whistle, and everyone will march back out to the Pre-Wedding for a few stale pizza bites and cold drinks. At the thirty minute mark, the minister will blow his whistle to signal a five minute warning to the start of the second half. The second half will always begin with a song. This allows stragglers to get back to their seats before anything important happens, like the “Does anybody object?” part. Guys love this part because we get to glance around the room and pray that just this once someone will stand up and make a huge scene – really blow it out – maybe march up and physically intervene. I’ve been to my share of tailgaters, so trust me on this, a good Pre-Wedding will dramatically increase the odds of this happening.

4. Speaking of the post-halftime song, let’s pick up the tempo a beat or two. Look folks, it’s not a funeral…. (Hummm. Editor: Please cut #4 from the column. This line of humor appears to be heading toward a punchline that might endanger my marital bliss.)

5. Following the happy “You may kiss the bride” conclusion, it’s back out to the Pre-Wedding area, only, Big Surprise. New tradition: The groom then officially lifts the lid on the smoker and reveals his choice of BBQ which has been slow cooking for a minimum of 36 hours.

It is with this advice in mind that I now announce my new business partnership with Wedding Style magazine.

Drum-roll please!

It’s called Pre-Wedding Style magazine. The first copies hit the shelves next week, and the inaugural issue will include the following articles:

1. “Lobster Bibs: The Key to Avoiding Pizza Stains on Your Tuxedo.”

2. “Ambiance: Selecting the Right Portable Lawn Furniture for your Parking Lot Pre-Wedding.”

3. “Wedding Smokers: Size vs. Portability.”

4. “How to a Defuse a Police Response to Your Pre-Wedding.”

I will, of course, write a column for each issue. The name of it will be: “Call of Duty: Pre-Wedding Ops.”

No Alibi

Alibi

By Jack Edwards

If I ever rob a bank, I’m not sure how I’ll go about it, but I am sure of one thing. After my getaway, I will not be stopping by the Alibi Tavern for a cold one.

Recently, I was away on a business trip. I drove by a joint called the Alibi Tavern. This caught my attention because there is also an “Alibi Tavern” in my home town. I am quite confident this is not a franchise. Unless the franchise model is to build a chain of questionable looking establishments bearing no resemblance to one another, other than the name, the Alibi Tavern. (Point of unnecessary clarification: I am not sure if the word “the” is part of the name. My Google search of Alibi Taverns leads me to believe the “the” is optional. And FYI, there is an epidemic of Alibi Taverns littering the western hemisphere.)

As a consumer, I see no benefit in stepping through the door of a business called the Alibi Tavern.  Consider this scenario-

Prosecutor: “Mr. Edwards, at 3:45 p.m. on the day the First Security Bank of Usurious ATM Fees was robbed, where were you?”

Me (Shaking in the witness chair, and very possibly peeing myself a little, answer with a quivering voice): “At the Alibi Tavern.”

You walk into the Alibi Tavern, and you’re taking your chances:

Example 1. Your nitwit uncle drowns under mysterious circumstances, and your wife is the beneficiary of his $1,000,000 life insurance policy. While attempting to fain sympathy for your wife while controlling your inner jubilation, police detectives show up to question you. The police ask where you were the afternoon of the tragic accident. You cringe and reply, “At the Alibi Tavern.”

Example 2. Your failing business burns to the ground netting you insurance proceeds which allow you to finally retire comfortably in Boca Raton. After investigators become suspicious of the fire’s origin, they ask you where you were the night of the fire. You hesitate and answer, “At the Alibi Tavern.”

Example 3. Your wife notices something that appears to be a strange lipstick stain on your shirt collar and asks you where you spent the evening. You pause in deciding whether to tell her the truth, “At the Alibi Tavern.”

Yes, I am well aware that this name would put your business up near the front of the yellow pages. But here’s some free business advice: No one uses the yellow pages anymore. And when I say “no one,” what I mean is “no one.” There is a reason that the typical yellow page sale’s agent is driving a 1997 Yugo. Yellow page companies are now in the business of producing pre-landfill-filler. (It’s such a waste of resources that I had to invent a new term just to describe it.)

But I digress.

Naming a bar the Alibi Tavern is entrepreneurial suicide. Customers can’t frequent it if they’re guilty, and they can’t go there if they’re innocent.

I can only envision one scenario where I would visit a place called the Alibi Tavern:

I had just committed the perfect crime. My neighbor’s cat, for the one millionth time, had marched across the hood of my freshly washed car leaving its filthy little paw prints. After dark, I slip quietly over to the cat owner’s driveway and use my homemade sponge dinosaur footprints dipped in pink tapioca pudding to decorate the hood of his Cadillac Escalade. No witnesses. No security footage. No physical evidence tying me to the scene of the crime. (The sponges have gone the way of the yellow page books.) When my neighbor storms over to confront me about the karma on his hood, and demands to know where I was the night before, I’ll smile and answer, “At the Alibi Tavern.”

Rent a Chicken

By Jack Edwards

I’ve heard of rented mules. In fact, rented mules are quite famous. We’ve all heard the old adage, “Beat it like a rented mule.” I have never, however, heard of a rented chicken…until now.

Kathy Matheson, with the Associated Press (an organization heralded for its cutting-edge investigative reporting in the field of poultry science), wrote an article titled, “Entrepreneurs hatch hen-rental idea for fans of fresh eggs.” This urban chicken rental concept is taking off faster than a Saturn 5 rocket.

Pennsylvania-based Rent-the-Chicken has branched out into several states. According to Matheson’s article, everyone (so far, no exceptions have been identified) wants to rent a chicken.

Urban farming is booming. In my city, the council recently passed an ordinance permitting people to keep a combination of up to six chickens, six rabbits, three miniature goats, one miniature pig and up to three bee hives. (No. I don’t know how the miniature pigs got the short end of the stick.) If Rent-the-Chicken moves to town, I have no doubt our city council will immediately schedule 28 meetings to begin drafting regulations to provide proper oversight of the new chicken rental program. There will be a tremendous amount of work to do. Rental licensing fees must be assessed. Urban chicken inspectors must be hired. A chicken registry must be created (complete with the name and photograph of each chicken).

The article cites a source saying that chickens can live seven to 10 years. One theory for the success of the business is that people have difficulty making that type of commitment. This leads me to ask, “Haven’t these people heard of chicken soup?”

The article includes the following: “Prices depend on the company, location and lease duration but start around $150 month. Most basic packages include two hens, a coop, feed and phone availability to answer questions.”

Three things:

1. I just checked Craigslist, and you can buy a basic chicken coop for $150. This would allow your chicken to be a homeowner. And I think that both Republicans and Democrats can get behind that. In fact, they might be willing to provide these chickens with low interest loans.

2. How much could these chickens possibly eat? Haven’t these people heard of term, “That’s chicken feed?”

3. I’m not sure of what type of emergency response questions these people need to ask about their chickens, but I’m sure that the answers provided in response to questions posed to Google beginning with, “My chicken keeps…” will suffice. If it doesn’t, please refer to my earlier comment, and type in the question, “What is the best recipe for chicken soup?”

What is not included in the rental package is a calculator. This is because Ms. Matheson’s article (which I almost read in its entirely), says, “Two chickens collectively produce about a dozen eggs each week.” I do not profess to have a Nobel Prize in the field of mathematics, but there are roughly four weeks in a month. So my Rent-the-Two-Chickens is costing me $37.50 per week, or $37.50 per dozen of eggs. I am aware that the people who are renting these chickens are doing so because they are concerned about the source of their food, but paying three dollars per egg is best described by one word. And that word is INSANE. For that price, I can hire an armored car to deliver a dozen eggs from Old MacDonald’s Certifiable Organic Free-range Chicken Paradise. And as bonus, I don’t have shovel organic chicken poop.

My analysis:
There is only one phrase that describes the business model of Rent-the-Chicken. And it’s this: Rent-the-Chicken is beating their customers like a rental mule.

A Billion Here, A Billion There

By Jack Edwards

I hate it when I misplace my keys, so imagine how the Pentagon must have felt when it misplaced $1.3 billion. As in, “Hey guys, where in the heck did we put that $1.3 billion?” You know how you put 20 bucks in your wallet, and then a few days later you look in it and all that’s staring back at you is a lonely dollar bill, and then you start trying to remember where you spent it? That’s what the Pentagon did – except for $1.3 billion.

My reaction was less shock and more “there they go again,” when I read the headline, “Report: Pentagon can’t account for $1.3 billion.” The article was written by James Rosen for the McClatchy Washington Bureau. Mr. Rosen’s article included the following: “A yearlong investigation by John Sopko, the U.S. special inspector general for Afghanistan reconstruction, found that the Pentagon couldn’t — or wouldn’t — provide basic information about what happened to 6 in 10 dollars of $2.26 billion it had spent over the course of a decade on the Commander’s Emergency Response Program.”

There are roughly 60 million families in the United States who pay federal income tax. Each family coughed up about $22 of the $1.3 billion that the Pentagon turned around and lost at the craps table in Kandahar. I think I can say with confidence that each of these families would much rather have enjoyed that popular 2 for $20 deal at Applebee’s. (Who can resist that boneless chicken wing appetizer?)

Sadly, in a country where tycoons light cigars with $100 bills to celebrate another round of federal subsidy checks for their backbreaking work of NOT growing soybeans, it is unlikely that such a modest accounting error is going to cause any crazed disbelief within the upper echelon of Washington’s political circles.  They are focused on far more important issues, like how to expand the tycoon subsidy program to include paying them to Not grow Applebee’s boneless chicken wings.

But back to the Pentagon’s $1.3 billion, or more accurately, what used to be the Pentagon’s $1.3 billion. Unfortunately, I must speak for all of us who are currently Not being paid to Not work (yes, this is a very awkward phrase. That’s because it includes what we call a “double negative,” another example is “sugar-free, fat-free ice cream”). Back to the Pentagon, I have a suggestion. It’s a popular computer program called QuickBooks. It keeps track of all your income and expenditures. Customers love it. It only costs about $139. But because the Pentagon’s budget is several times larger than most families of four, it might want to consider paying a little extra for the QuickBooks Pro version. And good news for the Pentagon, QuickBooks Pro is on sale right now for only $199.95 (but they need to buy it right away – I don’t know how long this sale is going to last).

If you’ve never used QuickBooks, it’s really simple. It comes with preset categories of expenditures, and all you do is enter things as you go. The best part for the Pentagon, is that you can add specialized categories. So, for example, you can add a category for cash payments to Afghan warlords to cut off the heads of the bad guys instead of our guys (both of whom appear to be pretty interchangeable to your average warlord). This category might be titled, “Warlord Cash Bribes.” As an aside, I don’t have many travel rules that I always follow, but I do have one: Any time I stumble into a country where the term “Warlord” is still part of the common lexicon, I IMMEDIATELY get the H-E-double-toothpicks out of there pronto.

But I digress… Oh yeah, $1.3 billion. Look, it’s the Pentagon. We’re probably making too big a deal out of this. I think that we can all agree that they’ll find it soon.

California Dreamin’… of a long hot shower

By Jack Edwards

Even indigenous tribes in the deepest, darkest, most remote tributaries of the Amazon basin have been alerted by the media that California is facing a severe drought. California Governor Jerry Brown is working on a solution. The reaction from citizens in the remaining 49 states has been swift. They keep asking the same question: “California elected Jerry Brown governor again? Who was he running against? Charles Manson?” But I digress. (We love you, Jerry!)

Gov. Brown has signed an executive order. It requires all Californians to limit their future showering to using coconut water. And to prepare for the inevitable day when California depletes its coconut water supply (tomorrow), he has ordered all Californians to report to the Navy Seal Training Base at Coronado, California to learn how to take those three-minute military grade showers, and in addition, to learn how to improvise using non-liquid showering methods, such as sand.

As a general rule, I don’t care about California. None of us do. Frankly, we enjoy watching them suffer because we are envious of their great weather and conveniently located In & Out Burger restaurants. However, I must remind myself of our column’s official motto – “Jocularious.com: A marginally amusing rant providing practical solutions to today’s real and imagined problems.”

All joking aside, Gov. Brown has released a plan, and it’s getting mixed reviews. A recent Los Angeles Times (real) headline read, “Gov. Brown’s drought plan goes easy on agriculture.” The sense I get from my one and only cursory reading of the fine piece of journalism is that many non-farm interests, including golf course owners, aren’t happy. The mere notion that California’s farm industry, which grows half of all fruits and vegetables in the United States, is as important as the golf industry drives golf people bonkers. Where else but on a thick swath of lush green grass will middle-aged California residents get their exercise by driving their carts half sloshed (the golfers not the carts) from their flasks of Wild Turkey, as they blaze their way toward the nineteenth hole?

Farmers, on the other hand, sensitive to the plight of their fellow Californians, are carefully managing their media image. Chris Scheuring, an attorney for the California Farm Bureau Federation, is quoted in the LA Times article. (Note: This is real person, his real title, and a real quote – go ahead and Google it). Apparently attempting to quell panic, he reassured Californians, “Folks are still going to [be able to] brush their teeth.” This is obvious pandering to the entertainment industry. Example:

Jimmy Kimmel to his guest Oprah Winfrey: “Oprah, why are you standing way over there? Come sit next to my desk.”

Oprah: “Uh…. Thanks, Jimmy. I’m good from here.”

To put an end to all this madness, here is my three-point plan to save California:

1. You know that fake submarine ride at Disneyland? The one they call “Submarine Voyage”?  The one everybody’s so sick of? According to Wikipedia, that “lagoon” holds nine million gallons of water. Simple, we kill the ride and confiscate the water. As a bonus, we gain the appreciation of millions of Disneyland visitors.

2. We launch an ad campaign using California’s most popular natural resource: Sexy Hollywood actors. We use them to promote substituting micro-brewed beer for water. This is a double-whammy. One, we save water. Two, we ignite this important emerging industry.

3. According to Slate.com, ten percent of California’s water goes to growing almonds. Because I know you think I’m lying, here is an actual photo of an article headline off my iPhone-

Solution? We stop growing almonds and start growing cashews. If you’re tempted to disagree, go eat a roasted cashew right now. Uh-huh. Yes. They’re that good.

Now that I’ve solved California’s crisis, I’ve got to run. I’m visiting LA next week, and I’ve got to start packing my coconut water.