By Jack Edwards

A realization recently struck me harder than a five pound ham to the side of the head.   A real whopper. Now, I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so you may have heretofore already been aware of this problem. An epidemic has spread across our country faster than California Chrome lost the Belmont. However, in the same spirit that John F. Kennedy urged our country to supersede those Russian Commies in space exploration and be the first nation to land a man on Marilyn Monroe, I call on our collective American “know how” to stop this plague. I am, of course, referring to businesses exclaiming that their clam chowder, or other consumable, is “World Famous.” Case in point is a business I will refer to as “Mo’s,” because the restaurant is called Mo’s, and because it claims that its clam chowder is “World Famous.” Really? Let’s survey a few folks in Grand Rapids about that. Apparently, the distinction is up for grabs. In a perfect world, with the noted exception of Idaho’s World Famous Potatoes, we shouldn’t being seeing many World Famous claims.

Not far behind the whole “World Famous” epidemic, is the abuse of the term “World’s Best.” No joke, there is a company called “World’s Best Cat Litter.” They even trademarked the name. In New York, there is a food truck named the “World’s Best Sandwich Truck,” which, in a sad and ironic twist of fate, has a Yelp rating of 3 ½ out of 5 stars. And there appears to be a real knife fight going on over who makes the World’s Best cheese. More specifically, some company called Beecher’s Cheeses claims to sell the “World’s Best Mac & Cheese.” Surely the Federal Trade Commission mandates that any company making such a bold claim first engage in a rigorous course of peer-reviewed studies and survey of imperial data. Well, either that, or some guy named Hal hocking cat litter suddenly yells, “Eureka! (He’s old school) I’ve got an idea; let’s say it’s the World’s Best! That’ll make’m beat a path to our door! Or litter box… whatever.” Rumor has it that a company in Lubbock, Texas, is considering giving the “World’s Best Cat Litter” company a run for its money using ITS newly trademarked brand: “The UNIVERSE’S Best Cat Litter!” And, yes, they will feature alien felines in slick Madison Avenue style ads in magazines such as, Cat Leisure, Cats Are My Sole Reason for Living, and Cats Are People Too. But I digress. Back to my main point.

Call me crazy, but I think these businesses are going in the wrong direction. When you’re visiting some Podunk city for the first time and see a pizza shop claiming to make the World’s Best pizza, the first thing that pop’s into your head isn’t the anticipation of sinking your teeth into the World’s Best pizza, it’s the sorrow that that it too, like New York’s World’s Best Sandwich Truck, likely claims a full 3 ½ stars on Yelp. So, here’s my idea. Now, mind you, I don’t have a degree in Marketing, but my brother-in-law, who I’ll refer to as “Tony,” because his name is Tony, does have one. My idea: Instead of being an also ran in the “World’s Best” race, do a one-eighty. Yeah, the “World’s Worst.” For example, Bob’s Burger Shack, featuring the “World’s Worst Fries.” Or, Mary’s Pie Shop, featuring the “World’s Worst Crust.” I’m going to run it by Tony the next time I see him.

In the meantime, I’ll get back to working on my “World’s Best, World Famous Jocularious.com Column, featuring the World’s Worst Grammar.”