The Killer Whales of Depoe Bay Brazenly Defy CDC Guidelines

Whale watching is a safe activity.  At least, I always thought so, until a whale tried to kill me. 

Let me explain.

The Oregon coast is a great place to watch whales.  My family has a beach house in the little town of Depoe Bay.  Locals and tourists enjoy standing along the seawall and gazing out looking for whales. 

I was recently taking a walk along the seawall, and I came across a group of folks intently looking out to sea.  It was obvious they had spotted a whale.

Before I continue, I need to remind you that a few weeks ago I wrote a column where I explained that facemasks do not pass the “fart test.”  That is, even with a facemask, if someone lets one fly, the facemask doesn’t save you.  The smell molecules of that fart still assault your nostrils.  As a result, everyone from Boston to Seattle charged after me with steak knives.  They all kept repeating the same term – “water droplets.”

“Facemasks prevent ‘water droplets’ from flying out into the air!”

“It’s WATER DROPLETS that are the problem!”

“Hey, dummy!  It doesn’t matter if you can still smell a fart.  Water droplets are killing people!”

I’d never seen so many exclamation points in my life.  They beat me down into the fetal position.  In fact, I coined a new term – “facemask-splaining.”

Back to my story about walking along the seawall. 

Not long after I joined the whale watchers, a whale exhaled a spout of water.

Here is a crappy picture I took using my iPhone –

Here is an extra crappy, zoomed-in version –

Moments later, the whale’s fluke (tail) emerged. (Sorry for the “whale-splaining”) –

Here’s an extra crappy, zoomed-in version –

This is when it hit me.

Cats get COVID-19.

Dogs get COVID-19.

A whale is a mammal.  Why can’t a whale get COVID-19?

AND, when whales shoot water out their blowholes, what are they creating?  WATER DROPLETS!

These irresponsible whales are spouting COVID-19 up and down the coast!  It’s almost enough to make me root for those Japanese whalers on Whale Wars.

We never hear the end of how intelligent whales are.  They’re one of the smartest mammals on earth.  How about they snap to it and start obeying rudimentary CDC guidelines?

Fart test, or no fart test, these magnificent creatures of the deep need to take immediate corrective action.  It may take a little ingenuity on their part, perhaps manufacturing something from seaweed and krill, but they have a moral imperative. And that moral imperative is:

To start wearing blowhole masks!

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