Thank you for fulfilling your patriotic duty of gaining 15 pounds during the Covid-19 lockdown. On behalf of the United States of America, we honor your service… and your appetite. You are now an official member of the Covid-15 Club. Carry those extra pounds with pride. You’ve earned it. Unfortunately, your knee joints are members of the Communist Party, and are now demanding you return those hard-earned pounds.
What to do?
Introducing… The CBS Television “Survivor Diet Program.” The benefits of this amazing weight-loss program are many –
1. It’s free. (Disclaimer: Free, if you watched Survivor using an antenna, circa 1955.)
2. The results are shocking. (“Boston Rob” lost 34 pounds in less than 40 days. Of course, he gained it all back by the show’s finale in Studio City. Sorry, Amber.)
3. It’s simple to implement. You feast on an entire one-half cup of rice each day, along with any snails you find crawling around outside your house, and, of course, all the coconuts you can harvest from your yard.
Remarkably, this diet is even more effective than the Costco Diet program I wrote about last year. That diet, of course, is no longer available because Costco, like so many heartless, multinational conglomerates, has used the coronavirus pandemic to shave a few measly dollars off its bottom line by eliminating all those mouthwatering (and FREE) samples. A visit to Costco has gone from a tasty stroll in the park, to a march through the barren desert.
If any of you cynics think that the Survivor Diet is just a blatant lie that I’ve concocted, you would be correct. However, journalist extraordinaire Brynne Chandler wrote an article (this is true – Google it) titled, “How to Do the ‘Survivor’ Diet,” that was posted on the Livestrong website. In it, she writes:
“Since May 2000, U.S. television audiences have been captivated by the physical challenges and social maneuvering of the reality series ‘Survivor.’ One of the most brutal aspects of the game is the lack of food. The ‘Survivor’ diet typically consists of whatever the contestants can find, pick or catch, which often isn’t much. Like most extreme fad diets, a long-term low-calorie diet can be dangerous to your health. With a little ingenuity, you can create your own, healthier version of the ‘Survivor’ diet.”
I’m pretty sure that “healthier version” is code for, “you ain’t losing 34 pounds in 40 days.”
As for me, I only have one goal. I’m trying not to win the first ever Covid-15 Club’s Lifetime Achievement Award.
Although, now that I think about it, I do have the perfect place for it on my mantel.