Citing concern for player safety, the NFL announced today that it will modify the game this season to what it is promoting as, “The most exciting brand of flag football ever before played!” The NFL has released a new tagline: “It’s flag Lightning, Baby!”
In keeping with Center for Disease Control guidelines, the “flags” will be six feet in length, measured from the far end of flag back to the player’s outer butt cheek.
A source inside NFL management, who asked to remain anonymous, told media sources that, so far, test games have been an unmitigated disaster. “The flags are just too dang long! Guys are accidently stepping on their own flags and pulling them off as they run down the field! They are literally ‘tackling’ themselves.”
This same source revealed three proposed rule changes intended to address this problem:
Rule One – At the line of scrimmage, even if the wind blows an opposing player’s flag over the line, the opposing player CANNOT step on it and shoot the flag’s owner a dirty smirk.
Rule Two – If you accidently step on your own flag as you advance down the field carrying the football, you are not down. Much like when an MMA fight is stopped to check on the consciousness of a fighter, the referee must momentarily stop the play and reattach the flag. The ref must then reposition each player to his precise position prior to the stoppage, and then signal the play to resume.
Rule Three – You cannot use your flags for non-flag related purposes, such as tying them around your waist as a belt, lassoing another player, and ABSOLUTELY NOT strangling another player – except during overtime.
All major television networks have expressed reservations about broadcasting this version of the game. The head of NBC sports publicly confessed his concern that reruns of Canadian curling might beat “lightning flag” in the ratings.
Asked about this change at a White House Coronavirus briefing, Dr. Fauci ecstatically praised the league for its bold and creative decision to put safety first. Asked further whether he planned to watch any of the new flag football games, Dr. Fauci responded, “I’ll be watching curling.”