It’s supposed to promote tourism.  Oregon has over a dozen of them.  Specialty license plates that drivers can order in lieu of Oregon’s generic fir tree plate.  Among them are the Salmon plate, the Cultural Trust plate, the Amateur Ham Radio plate, and the Wine Country plate.  The picture on the Wine Country plate is a vineyard with a big WC on it, and if that abbreviation isn’t clear enough, the words, “Wine Country” are printed at the bottom.  I can understand a winery owner slapping a Wine Country plate on his BMW, but the sheer insanity of anyone else doing it is beyond me.  A “Wine Country” plate might as well say, “Pull me over, officer.  I’m drunk.”

Drivers use these plates to make a statement.  The Salmon plate allows one to emphasize the importance of conservation.  The Cultural Trust plate allows the opera and fine arts crowd to stick their noses up in the air an additional five degrees.  And the Ham Radio plate lets the pocket protector brigade proudly announce their expertise.  I have to be careful making too much fun of the ham radio guys.  (I say “guys” because I’ve never met a girl interested in ham radio).  The reason I need to be careful making fun of them is that when everything goes to hell (you know, the Big One hits), I may need one of these folks to help me find my relatives – some of them anyway.

The Wine Country plates are a whole different matter.  Drunk driving laws have now become so strict that if a police officer even smells the hint of liquor on a driver’s breath, he is required to immediately Taser that person in the neck and drag him to the nearest hoosegow.  These aren’t license plates, they’re targets.  I imagine that Salmon plate people like salmon.  And I can’t imagine anyone in their right mind sticking a Ham Radio plate on their car who isn’t a ham radio operator.  Well, what do you imagine a cop thinks a Wine Country plate driver is interested in?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

So here’s the nut.  If you have the cojones to bolt a Wine Country plate onto your car, you need to keep three things in your vehicle at all times.  First, the personal cell phone number of a flesh-eating criminal defense lawyer.  Second, a roll of Benjamins to post your bail.  And third, lip gloss.  Because after you’re arrested, you may as well kiss your *** goodbye.  (Why risk chaffing that baby smooth skin of yours?)

In conclusion, I pose one question to Oregon wine lovers: Have you ever thought of exploring the time-honored, and highly respected hobby of Amateur Ham Radio?

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