It’s next year’s smash “Must Have” Christmas gift. Eager consumers will be lining up like penguins in the freezing cold outside Macy’s at 3:00 a.m. on Black Friday clutching their Visas. Shark Tank producers will be begging me to appear on their show. And yes, Mr. Wonderful, I’ve got a patent pending (well, patent pending, pending – I’ve bookmarked the US Patent Office website). Pull out your checkbook Mark Cuban – you’ll want a piece of this! It’s called Sumptuosus Aquae – and it’s the world’s very first fragrance-free perfume.
Consumers will go bonkers over it, because it solves the problem guys run into every time they add to their mounting unsecured credit card debt trying desperately to please their mate – she sniffs at it like a jug of three-week old milk and then says politely, “It’s nice…, but it’s not for me.” It’s too sweet. It’s too musky. It’s too whatever. She just doesn’t like it. But Sumptuosus Aquae solves that problem. For the very reasonable price of $80, you get a beautiful one ounce spray bottle in a designer box complete with ribbon, or if you really love her, and aren’t just pretending, you can spring for the two ounce bottle for only $120. Sumptuosus Aquae also solves other common perfume problems:
1. She doesn’t have to worry about applying too much.
2. Those irritating people at the office who are overly sensitive to otherwise pleasant fragrances will stop making their annoying complaints to HR, and will have to divert their time to hunting down those violating the strict peanut allergy regulations (that they helped implement).
3. Sumptuosus Aquae is guaranteed to be 100% hypoallergenic.
4. And, as I explain in detail below, on the off chance that you ever find yourself stranded in the Mohave Desert, you can drink it. Yes, Sumptuosus Aquae may actually save your girlfriend’s/wife’s/significant other’s life one day!
Mark Cuban, Mr. Wonderful, and the rest of the gang at Shark Tank will have massive heart attacks and take knives to one another scrapping for a piece of this thing. Why? Because the mark up on regular perfume (the kind that is incapable of saving your life in the desert, i.e. “non-lifesaving perfume”) is just over one million percent. Just below the margin on tar heroin. Well, Ha-Ha to that, because Sumptuosus Aquae knocks the socks off that silly margin. Why? Because of the pure genius of the patent pending, pending, formula. You see, thanks to the fact that only three people currently living in the US speak Latin, no one will realize (at least according to Google Translate) that Sumptuosus Aquae is Latin for “expensive water.” The formula? Water + Love. Yeah, that’s right. We don’t hold back on pouring in the love. We inject massive amounts of love into each and every bottle.
Don’t wait! Pre-order your two ounce bottle of life-saving, fragrance-free perfume at www.SumptuosusAquae.com. Workers at the Culver City Municipal Water Treatment Plant are standing by.
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