The World’s Best Gift for Lawyers OR The Proper Care and Feeding of Sharks

Inscription

According to the most recent census, there is one lawyer for every man, woman, child and four-legged creature living in the continental United States.  (Alaska, of course, is the wild frontier; yes, there are lawyers in Alaska, but they limit their professional activities to officiating at duels.  And Hawaii is the Land of Aloha, and Aloha means never having to hire a lawyer.)  Disturbingly, the number of lawyers continues to increase faster than a herd of bunny rabbits loose in a Viagra factory.  (Yes, it is a “herd” of rabbits.  I always thought it was a “hutch” of rabbits, but it’s a herd.  That’s what my iPhone says, so it’s true.)  This leaves us with a problem – what to get the five lawyers we each know personally for Christmas.  The last thing you want to do is set yourself up to be sued for the common law tort of Negligent Gift Giving.  (And, sadly, we each know lawyers, perhaps close relatives, who would file that nuisance suit in a New York minute.)  Having been down that litigation road before, I am here to help.

Let me begin by ruling out a number of gifts you may so foolishly be considering.

First, forget any products using, claiming to be, or insinuating that they are associated with shark skin.  Especially, shark skin belts.  No, it’s not clever or cute.  And it’s about as original as grandma giving Johnny that t-shirt that says:  “My grandma went to Aruba, and all she got me was this lousy t-shirt.”  Besides, have you priced a shark skin belt?  Ouch.  Find me a lawyer worth that.  I’d want to put him on retainer immediately.

Second, refrain from the tired pen and pencil set.  Sorry, yes it’s cheaper than a shark skin belt, but it’s equally as trite.  It also sends a clear message:  “I refuse to put any thought into this gift, at all.”  A pen and pencil set is in the box of chocolates category.  And you might as well throw that pencil in the trash.  He will.  Nobody uses pencils anymore.

Without further ado, here it is.  The answer to your problems.

[WARNING:  The remainder of this column is an info-laughable.

Info-laughable (in-fo-laf-able), n.  a humorous entertainment designed to be amusing, but also to shamelessly promote a commercial product.]

So, we have arrived at our destination.  The world’s best gift for lawyers.  Drumroll, please….

An inspirational book.

No, not a hardback (Don’t be crazy.  Do you know what a hardback costs these days?).  A paperback.  An uplifting read.  One that comes to mind is The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the Legal Wilderness

http://www.amazon.com/The-Lawyers-Song-Navigating-wilderness/dp/1608443248

You’ll laugh.  You’ll cry.  You’ll thank God you’ve scratched that lousy chore off your list.  And according to 60 Minutes, Amazon will now deliver it by next-day drone.  But remember that the most important thing about presenting any lawyer with a book – the inscription.  Don’t make a costly mistake.  I suggest the following heartfelt sentiment:

“Dearest [fill in name of blood sucker],

I hope you will find sufficient inspiration within these pages to brace you through the stressful year ahead, where few truly appreciate the necessary work you do.  But, please, I beg of you, do not bill me by the tenth of the hour to read this gift!”

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Also-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov