According to the most recent census, there is one lawyer for every man, woman, child and four-legged creature living in the continental United States. (Alaska, of course, is the wild frontier; yes, there are lawyers in Alaska, but they limit their professional activities to officiating at duels. And Hawaii is the Land of Aloha, and Aloha means never having to hire a lawyer.) Disturbingly, the number of lawyers continues to increase faster than a herd of bunny rabbits loose in a Viagra factory. (Yes, it is a “herd” of rabbits. I always thought it was a “hutch” of rabbits, but it’s a herd. That’s what my iPhone says, so it’s true.) This leaves us with a problem – what to get that lawyer in your life for a gift.
Let me begin by ruling out gifts you may be foolishly considering.
First, forget shark skin – especially, shark skin belts. It’s about as original as grandma giving Johnny that t-shirt that says: “My grandma went to Aruba, and all she got me was this lousy t-shirt.” Besides, have you priced a shark skin belt? Ouch! Find me a lawyer worth that. I’d want to put him on retainer immediately.
Second, no pen and pencil sets. Yes, it’s cheaper than a shark skin belt, but it’s equally as trite. It sends a clear message: “I refuse to put any thought into this at all.”
Here is the answer to your problems –
[WARNING: The remainder of this column is an info-laughable.
Info-laughable (in-fo-laf-able), n. a humorous blog post designed to ham-handedly hock a product.]
So, we have arrived at our destination. The world’s best gift for lawyers. Drumroll, please….
A book. But not just any book – an inspirational book.
No, not a hardback (Don’t be silly. Do you know what a hardback costs these days?). A paperback. An uplifting read. One that comes to mind is The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the Legal Wilderness
You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. And according to 60 Minutes, Amazon will deliver it by next-day drone. But remember that the most important thing about presenting anyone with a book is the inscription. Here is my suggestion –
“Dearest [fill in the name of the blood sucker],
I hope you find inspiration within these pages to brace you through your stressful year ahead, where few truly appreciate the necessary work you do. But, please, I beg of you, do not bill me by the tenth of the hour to read this gift!”
WAIT! You’re not done yet. Earn good karma! Please comment and share on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.
It’s free and easy, and each new Jocularious column will arrive in your inbox.
It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.
Check out these great books:
The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –
Seven Rules for the College Playground –
Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –