I am OFFICIALLY calling on the United States Commerce Department to launch an “all out investigation” into the devious and patently unfair marketing strategy (i.e. “scheme”) of one of our nation’s preeminent industries. I think you know what industry I’m talking about. I also think you agree with me that this industry has been “coddled” by Washington Insiders far too long. I am, of course, referring to the “Dog Industry Cartel Kerfuffle.” (No, I will not use this group’s acronym. This is a family friendly column. Get your minds out of the gutter).
This industry is using a blatantly unfair marketing advantage in promoting its brand, to wit: Puppies. By unfairly exploiting puppies, pictures of puppies, and stories about puppies, et cetera, the average American is placed at a gross disadvantage. This outfit even stoops to marketing to children. Walk into the children’s section of any library and what do you see? Picture books about puppies. And not a balanced view of puppies. No. It’s all one-sided. It’s all Pro-Puppy.
This all leads me to a friend of mine. For the purposes of this column, I’ll refer to her as, “Janene,” because her name happens to be Janene. Janene is an “industry insider.” She has two dogs. The first dog her family got was Peanut, a Chihuahua-King Cavalier designer dog. (The whole industry is becoming high-tech – Another unfair advantage). We all thought Peanut was a small dog until Janene got her second dog, Paparazzi. Now, compared to Paparazzi, Peanut looks like an aircraft carrier. Paparazzi is a Yorkshire terrier. He weighs slightly less than your average cotton ball.
As his name suggests, Paparazzi has a certain flair. He has caught the attention of the owner of a female Yorkie who is interested in him breeding (or in today’s dog parlance, “hooking-up”) with her dog. Janene would get the pick of the litter, and she asked me if my family might be interested in a Paparazzi Junior.
Here’s the rub.
I’m married to someone whom you might not characterize as a “dog lover.” Her list of concerns include: 1. They are dogs, 2. They tend to shed hair, and finally, 3. They are dogs. If my wife were Superwoman (which in many ways she is), then dog hair is Kryptonite. Well, guess what? Yorkie’s don’t shed. So that takes care of her number 2 concern.
Now, I just need to solve problems 1 and 3.