One of my readers recently asked me if I ever just made something up. Whether I’d written something that wasn’t true – even outright lied. As you can imagine, I was shocked. l was deeply offended that anyone would feel the need to ask this. Of course, I lie! I lie in my columns all […]
The United States is the sloppy roommate of First World countries. Look at our map. It’s a disaster. Whoever drew it was obviously high on “magic” mushrooms. I should know. I live in Eugene. Our western states are okay, with the possible exception of Idaho’s “panhandle,” but we’ll let that go, because the rest of […]
Good news! Pretty soon your exhausting schedule of getting up at 10 a.m., eating ice cream straight from the container and pondering how many days it’s been since you last showered will come to an end. Now is the time to prepare for your transition back to the “New Normal.” You may be wondering what […]
Fearing the worst, Milo the Dog took a moment from licking his privates to draw up a contingency plan to survive the COVID-19 crisis. Here are a few takeaways: 1. “First things first,” said Milo, “dogs can’t contract the coronavirus. So at least there’s that.” He continued, “Apparently, cats can get COVID-19.” “Good luck, Oliver!” […]
A newly released research study conducted by Harvard scientists has found that people who subscribe to humor blogs are 77% more likely to be smarter, richer, and better looking. As a bonus, the study also notes that subscribers have fresher breath. In a magnanimous effort to be fully transparent with you, my loyal readers, I […]
All of this “sheltering in place” is getting a little old. Mental health experts recommend finding a goal to accomplish during this time. For example – Reading books you’ve had trouble finding time for. Studying a foreign language. Crocheting a blanket. As it turns out, my goal appears to be putting on 20 pounds. In […]
Life has been tough on the pangolin community recently. “It’s not bad enough that we’re being eaten,” announced a senior pangolin representative, “now, we’re being blamed for a pandemic?! This is an outrage!” The representative continued, “And to make matters worse, whenever someone asks what a pangolin is, they’re told we look like an armadillo. […]
I was BORN to shelter in place. I dream of sheltering in place. It’s not 1832. We’re not huddled in a freezing “Soddy” on the plains of Western Nebraska. We’ve got Netflix, for crying out loud! While I’m on the topic, here’s my take on the whole “hoarding” thing – According to official verified statistics […]
Nothing says social distancing like murderous breath. Commit this lifesaving motto to memory: Stinky Breath Today, Keep Coronavirus Away! Bad breath buys you – AT A MINIMUM – a three-foot buffer zone. I’m not sure where the whole six-foot buffer zone came from, but it makes sense. The average American isn’t six feet tall, so […]
I haven’t been tested, but according to the internet, I have the Coronavirus. I’m not 100% sure. How could I be? I am 99% sure. Here is how I know – First, I Googled “early Coronavirus symptoms.” The internet told me the three most common signs were: Cough, Fever and Respiratory Difficulty. I do not […]