Jim Gaffigan is the storm trooper of stand-up comedy. Search his name on YouTube or Netflix if his name is a mystery to you. Fair warning, be prepared to spend quality time listening to him expound on the multitude of challenges encountered by the Average Joe, that is if the Average Joe was named Jim […]
I am as stubborn as the next guy. Do I ever stop and ask for directions? No. Even when I’m hopelessly lost? No. Even running late to an important event? No. A wedding? No. A funeral? Sorry, not going to happen. Back when the United States was trying desperately to convert to the metric system, […]
Dear Abby, I am at my whit’s end. I requested a change in the location of my college football season tickets, and couldn’t be happier with the new view; however, my wife and I quickly realized why these seats became available. The guy to our left smells like a dead possum. The stink fumes rising […]
It’s called the Nike+ Fuelband. It’s a plastic electronic bracelet that wives buy to slap onto their pot-bellied husbands’ wrists to humiliate them into climbing off the couch once a week or so. It’s like one of those little research bands that Marlin Perkin’s had Jim Fowler attach to the legs of rare African birds. […]
True story. It’s 1973 and I’m sitting in Mr. Scherberhorn’s seventh grade Social Studies class. He’s rambling on about something, and I’m doing my best to tune him out. That’s because I’m busy pondering whether I could pull off wearing a pair of plaid bell bottoms. I wasn’t what you’d call a cool kid. Bell […]
I recently had the opportunity to speak to one of my U.S. senators. This big shot friend of mine gave the senator a “donation.” Enough to fill a wheelbarrow, if the wheelbarrow was as big as your house. My friend is an oil guy. He wears a cowboy hat too big for his head (but […]
After careful consideration and deep soul searching, I have decided to quit my job and become a doctor. No, I didn’t say go to medical school, don’t be silly. I’m much too old for that. I’ve just decided to become a doctor, as in start telling people I’m a doctor and begin practicing medicine. I’m […]
If you don’t believe in time travel, and surprisingly, many people don’t, then you haven’t flown commercially in the last thirty years. The next time you’re standing at the ticket counter schlepping around for your picture ID and trying to convince the agent that your check-in luggage doesn’t contain a tomahawk missile, look carefully. That […]
I dare to speak for most sensitive Americans when I say that I care deeply about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. But to be completely honest with you, I and my compatriots have absolutely no idea what the fight is about. Sure, we know they each want the same piece of land, but that’s about it. And […]
This all started when a friend, who I will refer to as “Chris,” because his name is Chris Linn, told me that he had watched a movie called Forks Over Knives, and the movie convinced him to stop eating meat. So, of course, I couldn’t believe it, and I told him that I couldn’t believe […]