American Football Renamed “Handball”


I am as stubborn as the next guy.  Do I ever stop and ask for directions?  No.  Even when I’m hopelessly lost?  No.  Even running late to an important event?  No.  A wedding?  No.  A funeral?  Sorry, not going to happen.  Back when the United States was trying desperately to convert to the metric system, I was playing defense on the front line.  It was not going to happen.  Not on my watch.  We measure by feet, gallons and pounds.  Liters are for smarmy folks who prefer mineral water over tap water.  I am still duking the liter thing out.  I make a point of buying my soda in 12 and 16 ounce containers.  I scorn the half liters and the liter bottles.  In short, I am as set in my ways as any other red blooded, ethnocentric American.  I offer this proof of my loyalty to tradition, because I am about to commit sport’s fan heresy.  I may even need to enter the witness protection program, change my name, and get a nose job.

The title says it all.  It is indeed time for the US to man-up and join the rest of the civilized (and uncivilized) world in referring to the game Americans call soccer, by its more logical name, football.  Yes, I am fully aware that this would cause a domino effect.  We would need to rename our national sport (No, not baseball – wake up buddy; look at those empty stadium seats).  American football has little to do with feet.  In fact, it has as much to do with feet as soccer has to do with hands.  So, there you have it – we should rename American football “handball.”  (Now don’t start whining; the runner-up alternative name was my personal favorite, “concussion ball.”)  “But Jack,” you say, “shouldn’t we ask the Canadians?  They play American football too.”  No.  They’ll just need to get with the program.  It’s not real football anyway.  “But Jack, there is already a sport called handball.”  No, not really.  There are only three people who play handball, and I have already spoken to each one.  They were fine with it.  I gave them their choice of three new names: Palm ball, small ball, or wall ball.  They chose wall ball for obvious reasons.  When I mentioned to them that racquet ball players used walls too, almost in unison, they chuckled and whispered something in a derogatory tone under their breath.  Then they stared at me as if they had just eaten something sour.

And here is where you, my loyal readers, come in to play.  Although my audience includes readers from over 50 countries (a true and shocking fact—who would have imagined?), only a tornado-like social media revolution will rock my pig-headed brethren into even considering this modest and reasonable change.  (As a side note, it would be great for the American economy, like when Apple decided to screw everybody over by changing the plugin for the iPhone 5 and force us to buy new $20 chargers that cost Apple a negative one penny to produce, except here it would be sports apparel).  I know that both the American and the world football audience is out there.  In fact, I wrote a column titled “Stinky Football Fan Creates Chaos,” and loyal fans of nearly burned up GoDaddy’s servers.  So I rest my case.  I’ve done my duty.  It’s now time for the world’s soccer fans to like, share and tweet this worthy cause to victory.  Let the handball revolution begin!


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