My Wife Announced She Had Arranged A Vacation For Us To Chicago To Get Murdered

Okay, my wife didn’t tell me we were going to Chicago to get murdered.  What she actually said was, “I planned a trip for us to Chicago.”  My brain added the “to get murdered” part. 

There are “vacation people” and “non-vacation people.”  I am a non-vacation person.  So, I was immediately irritated that I had to arrange time in my busy schedule to go to Chicago and get murdered.

Before I know it, I’m butt cheek to butt check with my fellow coach passengers, waiting patiently for my tiny packet of Fiesta Mix, jetting east to Chicago.

We land at O’Hare and head directly for The Drake.  I immediately realized I have no business staying at this historic hotel once I stepped into the elevator.  La-di-da!  Every elevator is equipped with its very own couch.  I’m not kidding, take a look –

The next day, to celebrate that we made it to our hotel without getting murdered, we decided to visit the Field Museum.  You know a museum is ginormous when they put life-sized elephants in the lobby as an “accent piece.” 

The Field Museum is so large that I recommend that you carry one of those gps devices that mountain climbers use to help the rescue team find their frozen bodies. 

We spent the next day exploring the “Magnificent Mile.”  This is a long stretch of Michigan Avenue peppered with name-brand, flagship stores.  Since we live in Oregon, which does not have a sales tax, it was important for us to take advantage of this opportunity to not only pay full retail for things we could buy at home, but sales tax on top of it.  Why?  Because we’re tourists, that why!

Amazingly, as we sauntered up and down the avenue, not only did we not get murdered, we didn’t even see anyone get murdered!

Of course, since we were in Chicago, we had to visit the Art Institute of Chicago.  Not because it’s one of the world’s most prominent art museums, but because it was featured in that classic movie, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  That, and because it has giant lions in front –

We got to see famous paintings, including the grumpy farmer and his wife –

For some reason, I thought this painting would be bigger.

It also has a whole wing devoted to modern art.  I discovered that “modern art” is code for “something you can construct out of scraps in your garage in 30 minutes or less.”  I’m not kidding.  Here’s a very important piece that I named, “Picture Frame with a Wire Sticking Out of It.”

I’m sure it has a real name, but there is no way that name is more accurate than mine.

In the end, I highly recommend you visit the Windy City.  You’ll have a blast.  And, I can now say with complete confidence that there is far less than a 70% chance you’ll get murdered. 

4 thoughts on “My Wife Announced She Had Arranged A Vacation For Us To Chicago To Get Murdered

  1. You have inspired me! Maybe I could actually be an artist, I’m certain that I have all of those “elements” laying around my house somewhere! ‍

    1. I’ll brace myself for disappointment if I ever see the Mona Lisa.

      By the way, I checked out your blog. Very nice work.

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