Cornhole: Not Just For Drunken Tailgaters Anymore

To paraphrase a recent observation by podcaster, and self-described “C-list” celebrity, Adam Carolla: A pandemic lockdown is like a prison sentence.  You can emerge from it with either a draft of the next Great American Novel, or a forehead tattoo and a raging case of herpes.  It’s your choice. 

I decided to take Adam’s advice.  Here were my options:

1. Remodeling the master bathroom.

2. Learning to play the piano.

3. Learning to speak Italian.

After careful consideration, I finally made up my mind:

I would choose 4. – Mastering the game of “Cornhole.” 

I’ve been told more than once that I was blessed with the perfect physique to play Cornhole.

Most folks have at least seen the game.  Each player takes a turn trying to toss a beanbag 27 feet into the “cornhole” of the game board.  Strongly suggested, but not officially required, is that a player gets half-drunk prior to the game.  Crocs are the official footwear of Cornhole.

I bought my Crocs during a recent visit to Vietnam.  I thought I got a real bargain, but back at the hotel I looked them over more closely.  I discovered that I had actually purchased a pair of “Croaks.”  Croaks are essentially identical Crocs, just minus the quality and comfort.  

The game of Cornhole presents a number of challenges, not the least of which is the name, “Cornhole.”  To put it mildly, the name is rather off-putting.  In fact, if you tell someone your favorite pastime is cornholing, odds are they’ll look at you funny. 

You might be surprised to learn (I swear this is true, you can look it up) that there is an American Cornhole Association, ACA for short.  (Not to be confused with the American Cornhole Organization, or ACO – Look it up!)  The ACA’s website touts that it is, “The Original and Official Governing Body of Cornhole.”  Take that, ACO!

I’m proud to announce that my hours in lockdown practicing Cornhole have yielded impressive results.  In fact, I developed my own special Cornhole technique.  It’s a five-step process.

Step One – “Be the bag.”  (The alternative is to, “be the hole.”  Let’s not go there).

Step Two – Lower yourself into a squat-like position, much like an orangutan preparing to toss a handful of his finest at a zoo visitor.

Step Three – Swing the bag in a reverse arc, mimicking Joe Pesci’s character in the movie Casino, when he stabs that guy in the bar who was insulting Robert De Niro. 

Step Four – Release the bag and watch it lift gracefully, rotate (almost in slow motion), and then descend “spot on” over your neighbor’s fence. 

Step Five – Scream, “Damn it!”

My daughter has been playing the game with me.  She takes offense with anyone calling Cornhole a sport.  She argues that any game you can win while simultaneously holding a 16 ounce can of Pabst Blue Ribbon and pulling a draw off a Marlboro dangling from the corner of your mouth, should not be labelled a sport. 

I had to disagree with her.  You know how we all become experts at the floor exercise during the Olympics every four years?  You know how the judges factor in the “degree of difficulty”?  Exactly.

If Cornhole fails to be named an official sport in the next Olympics, it will be an outrage.  I will take it upon myself to call on the intrepid members of the ACA and urge them to join forces with the wily ACO.  The sheer magnitude of that much Cornhole power would be unstoppable.  I’d join in with them, but I fear I’d wind up over the fence.

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

I’m Not Sure What the “New Normal” Looks Like, But I Think It Involves Pajamas

A plague looms over us.  A plague so ominous it threatens our very way of life.  A life-threatening plague.  I am, of course, speaking about the invasion of the Murder Hornets. 

I survived the last media-inspired killer insect scare back in the 1970s – the “Killer Bees.”  As a veteran of the Killer Bee Hysteria, I have some advice – “Chill-acks.”  Back in the 70s, the Killer Bees got the media’s panties in a bunch.  In the end, however, the threat had as much fizzle as a day-old soda.

Murder hornets aside, if you been paying close attention to the news, you may have also noticed a little something called the coronavirus.

Everybody’s now wondering what the “new normal” will look like.  I don’t know, but I’m fairly sure it’s going to involve wearing a lot of pajamas.  Media tagline: “Pajamas – the new business casual.” 

I’ve been trying to maintain a semblance of my old routine.  It’s difficult, what with having to get up each morning and eat a quart of ice cream before pondering how many days it’s been since I showered.

This leads me to an extremely sensitive subject.  As difficult as it is, it’s probably something I should confess to you. 

Our society has a set of well-understood rules.  These rules are vital to our maintaining a sense of order.  Many of these rules draw clear and distinct lines we should never cross. 

Here is my confession (insert drumroll) – I crossed one.

Last Saturday, I wore my pajamas to the bank.  Yeah, I know!  In my defense, I forgot I was wearing pajamas until I was getting into my car.  I paused for a moment and considered going back into the house to change.  But, I rationalized, I was only going to be using the drive thru.

Driving away from the bank, I’m not going to lie to you, I experienced a moment of deep self-reflection.

Speaking of moments, the lockdown has left me with quite a few extra moments.

I’ve spent some of those extra moments on Twitter.  A new follower’s profile says he’s from Thunder Bay, Ontario.  When I saw this, I thought to myself, why can’t I be from someplace cool sounding like Thunder Bay?  The name Thunder Bay evokes a sense of adventure and an exciting mystic.  Then I thought to myself, wait a minute, maybe there is something I can do about this. 

I continued tapping around on Twitter, and I came upon a guy announcing that he was planning to cook some ramps for lunch.  Ramps?  The only ramps I’ve ever come across are boat ramps.  Then again, I am from Alsea.  Well, I should say I was from Alsea.  Check my Twitter profile. Now, I’m from Thunder Bay!

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

How to Live Dangerously from the Comfort of Your Own Living Room

One of my readers recently asked me if I ever just made something up.  Whether I’d written something that wasn’t true – even outright lied.  As you can imagine, I was shocked.  l was deeply offended that anyone would feel the need to ask this.  Of course, I lie!  I lie in my columns all the time!

Except, I am NOT lying about this story. 

This story is true.  COMPLETELY TRUE!  Go ahead and Google it if you don’t believe me.  There is simply no need to lie when a man named Wim Hof is teaching a special method of breathing called (hold on to your hat) the Wim Hof Method Breathing (WHM, for short).  That’s Wim in the picture above.  I stole it from his YouTube video.

Not to oversimplify it, but Wim Hof thinks it’s healthy to deprive yourself of oxygen.  According to Wim, calmly confronting a stressful experience, like the feeling of oxygen deprivation, helps us decrease the harmful effects of stress.  Among other things, when we panic, our body releases harmful cortisol.  His breathing exercise helps us control our sense of panic.

I was immediately attracted to this exercise for two reasons:

1. I already knew how to breathe.  (Not to brag, but I’m an exceptionally good breather.  I’ve been complemented on my breathing.)

2. It was free.  (I am, after all, from Alsea.)

Wim provides instructions on his website, along with this ominous warning

“Note that WHM breathing can affect motor control and, in rare cases, lead to loss of consciousness. Always sit or lie down before practicing the techniques. Never practice while piloting a vehicle, or in or near bodies of water.”

Note that his warning does not say “driving a car,” it says, “piloting a vehicle.”  This is probably to make sure no one thinks that, while it might be dangerous to do this driving a car, it’s perfectly permissible while flying a plane.

I must confess that I did violate the warning about doing this near a body of water.  Call me a dare devil, but I’ve pushed the envelope.  I’ve practiced this several times mere inches from my morning coffee.

WHM involves breathing in and out quickly thirty times, then EXHALING and holding what little is left of your breath for a minute, then sucking in air and holding your breath for 15 seconds.  You repeat this two more times, except you hold your empty lungs for 90 seconds on the second two rounds. 

It’s quite a rush.  I’m not a recreational drug user, but I’ve got to admit that each time I’ve done it, I’ve felt like a stone-cold crack cocaine addict.  It’s a wild ride.

They say drug dealers groom new customers using a technique called, “The first one’s free.”  Well, good news. When it comes to WHM, so is the second one.

I only have one question –

Does “piloting a vehicle” include operating an excavator?

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

We’re Supposed To Be Productive During The Quarantine, So I’m Fixing the US Map

The United States is the sloppy roommate of First World countries.  Look at our map.  It’s a disaster. Whoever drew it was obviously high on “magic” mushrooms.  I should know. I live in Eugene.

Our western states are okay, with the possible exception of Idaho’s “panhandle,” but we’ll let that go, because the rest of the country is a hot geographical mess.

Here are our most delinquent states –

Oklahoma.

I can let Idaho’s panhandle slide, but Oklahoma’s panhandle is completely out of control.  It makes Oklahoma LOOK LIKE A POT.  (Do you understand?  Not a pan.  A pot!)  It’s a “pothandle.”

Do us all a favor, Oklahoma.  Chop it off and give it to Texas.

Michigan.

This state is a geographical Frankenstein.  Michigan has what is colloquially referred to as the “U.P.” or Upper Peninsula.  It’s not even attached!

It should be part of Wisconsin.  Or, hell, just give it to Canada.  (If they’ll take it). 

Mississippi.

Mississippi ranks last in every statistical category, with one exception.  It’s first in “Lack of Dignity.”  Why?  It lets Louisiana punk it by occupying half of Mississippi’s rightful coastline!

This is an outrage.  I am hereby calling on all Mississippians to pick up arms and seize possession of their coastal waterfront.  A few hundred causalities are a small price for Mississippians to regain their dignity.  (Send your teenagers to fight.  It’s not like they’re in high school.)

(Now that I notice it, you need to get your act together too, Alabama!)

Florida. 

It time to cut off this unsightly appendage.  It makes our country look weird, and it’s been nothing but a pain in the a** for decades. 

Forget the fact that they are incapable of properly filling out a ballot. From a Freudian perspective, Florida is the genitalia of the United States. And, frankly, it makes us look sexist. The Saudis are always buying ostentatious crap.  Sell it to them.  Let them worry about being eaten by a crocodile – OR, more likely, the Disney Corporation.   

Rhode Island. 

Rhode Island’s borders are fine.  I really should not have even included it here.  But look at it –

It’s NOT an island.  They’re lying to us.  We should force them to change their name to Rhode.  I feel VERY strongly about this.  I grew up on the west coast and attended Alsea Elementary School, so I only recently found out it wasn’t an island.  We simply cannot allow this pipsqueak state to pull this fast one on the nation any longer.

Vermont and New Hampshire. 

These states should merge.  Then it would be a nice, normal, rectangle-shaped state. 

We could name it “New Corona.”  This would remind us that, yes, this virus did devastate our country and drop us to our knees financially, but at least it gave us the opportunity to right this geographical wrong.

Finally, there is the BIG problem of –

MARYLAND!

Do I even need to say it?

Why in Sam Hill does Maryland have a rat tail sticking out toward the west?  I’m sorry, but this is an enormous, stinking elephant in our geographical living room.  It’s high time we confront it.  This is land that West Virginia should be polluting. 

Here is our New and Improved Post-Corona Map –

Now, that I’ve finally gotten this off my chest, I’ll let you get back to your productive quarantine activities.  You may now resume binge-watching Tiger King.

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

And subscribe!  It’s free!

It’s a “Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.”

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

The Top Ten Things You Need To Do To Prepare For The End of Quarantine

Good news!  Pretty soon your exhausting schedule of getting up at 10 a.m., eating ice cream straight from the container and pondering how many days it’s been since you last showered will come to an end.  Now is the time to prepare for your transition back to the “New Normal.” You may be wondering what the “New Normal” will look like.  Media pundits are saying this is a very difficult question.  I’ve given this a great deal of thought.  Here is the answer: Exactly like the “Old Normal.”

Here are the things you need to do to prepare to reenter the “Old Normal.”  (Print this list and tape it to your refrigerator):

Number Ten:  Stop drinking before noon.  (5 p.m. for you “go-getters”).  I know it’s been a few weeks, and you may have forgotten, but normal people don’t drink during the workday.  I’m sorry.

Number Nine:  Set your alarm for 10 a.m.  Then keep setting it back another 15 minutes a day.  You’re not in college.  It’s time to get your a** out of bed before noon.

Number Eight:  Cut back on the time you spend watching cat videos each day to three hours.  Yes, I do know they’re amusing.  Yes, I know this is asking a lot.

Number Seven:  Reduce your number of Facebook posts each day to ten.  I am NOT disagreeing with you – The photographs of EACH AND EVERY one of your meals IS fascinating.  How about this compromise – You can tell your friends what you had for breakfast during your morning break.  (You can even show them pictures of your omelet on your phone.)  They’ll be riveted. 

Number Six:  Sit down with your cat and explain how much you appreciated his willingness to let you remain in his home during the day.  When you do this, remember that your cat’s expression of complete indifference is his way of telling you he loves you.

Number Five:  Yell over your belly and down to your toes that you hope to be able to see them again in four to six weeks.

Number Four:  STOP.  GRAZING.  ALL.  DAY. (Truth be told, this should probably be steps one through ten).

Number Three:  Reacquaint yourself with a product you may have forgotten.  It’s called “deodorant.”

Number Two:  Brush your teeth.

Number One:  Watch a YouTube video explaining how to let out your pants – AND GET TO WORK!  You’ve got A LOT of sewing to do!

I wish you all the best of luck.  I am confident that if you follow these simple steps, you’ll slide smoothly right back into the “Old Normal.”

Please do me a favor – Comment and share!

And subscribe!  It’s free!

It’s a “Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.”

______________________________

Also, before you leave –

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

(Link below)

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Milo the Dog Makes Plans to Survive the COVID-19 Crisis

Fearing the worst, Milo the Dog took a moment from licking his privates to draw up a contingency plan to survive the COVID-19 crisis.  Here are a few takeaways:

1. “First things first,” said Milo, “dogs can’t contract the coronavirus.  So at least there’s that.”  He continued, “Apparently, cats can get COVID-19.”  “Good luck, Oliver!” he added with a grin.”

2. “Am I depressed?  Am I a little off my game?  Of course, I am.  I bet I haven’t shoved my snout in an unsuspecting stranger’s crotch in the past three weeks.  Welcome to life in my ‘new normal.’”

3. “I’m currently staying with my owner’s father in Eugene.  They say that people who are over 60 are the most at risk.  Well, he’s 59 ½, so close enough.  Plus, he looks like he’s entering his ninth month of labor – with twins.  Based on what I see him scarfing down each day (Does this guy EVER skip meal?), he’s probably prediabetic.  What I’m trying to say, is that if he drops dead and I get trapped in the house, there’s going to be some good eat’n.  I’m not saying I would take any pleasure in it, for obvious reasons.  The main reason being that I can’t open the refrigerator door.  You know what that means?  No barbeque sauce!  I’d have to eat that fat bastard dry.”

4. “Thankfully, the toilet is full, so I’m good for water.  If need be, I think I can manage to push down on the lever with my paws.”

Milo summed up his plans as follows: “Food?  Check.  Water?  Check.  Dreaming of Oliver the Cat being stricken with the virus and being placed on a cat-sized respirator?  Check.”

With his COVID-19 crisis planning completed, Milo was finally able to return to his business at hand –

Licking his privates.

Could you do me a favor?

Please comment and share!

And subscribe! – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Study Finds People Who Subscribe to Humor Blogs are Smarter, Richer and Better Looking

EMERGENCY NEWS ALERT: Sources report that research conducted by a Harvard professor has found that people who subscribe to humor blogs are 77% more likely to be smarter, richer, and MUCH better looking.  Interestingly enough, it also found that subscribers have fresher breath. 

Because the coronavirus outbreak did not occur until the final weeks of the study, researchers could not DEFINITIVELY establish whether subscribers had a stronger immunity to the deadly virus; however, the evidence heavily suggested a stronger immune system. 

In a magnanimous effort to be fully transparent with you, my loyal readers, I must make one disclosure. (It’s really nothing to worry about):

I no longer have my copy of the actual study. 

This is due to a tragic circumstance beyond my control:  Milo the Dog ate my copy of the article.  No, I am not making this up.  Milo, in fact, ate my copy of the article.  As a result, you’re going to have to either try and find a copy of this study on your own, or better yet, take my word for it.

Some of you may be mildly suspicious of my claim.  I understand your skepticism.  Readers have reported to me that they cannot find this study.  And frankly, this concerns me, especially, because they say this in a tone that implies I’m lying.  I am not lying.  The reason this study has gone missing is obvious.  You’ve probably already guessed it.  Yes, one word: China. 

Red China has had it out for freedom loving humor writers ever since the Communist Revolution.  Why did you think they created all those reeducation camps?  Let me put it this way.  The People’s Republic wasn’t encouraging a lot of laughter within the barracks.

Look people, I am not saying that humor blog subscribers are smarter than the average Josephine.  Harvard Educated Scientists are saying it. 

Take this simple quiz to find out if you should be subscribing to a humor blog –

1. Are you smarter than the average ignoramus you’re forced to deal with on a daily basis?

2. Are you better looking than the average slob with a face like a ham sandwich. 

3. Are you richer (or would you be richer if it weren’t for all the international conglomerates and “insider” currency manipulators) than the average Dollar Store clerk?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, you are a narcissist and should be heavily medicated.  The good news is that you are also the PERFECT person to subscribe to a humor blog. 

But then the question arises…

Where can I find a humor blog?

Got a moment?

Please do me a favor and comment and share!

Also, consider subscribing – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Nothing Says Quarantine Like Polishing Off A Full Quart of Ice Cream

All of this “sheltering in place” is getting a little old.  Mental health experts recommend finding a goal to accomplish during this time.  For example – Reading books you’ve had trouble finding time for.  Studying a foreign language.  Crocheting a blanket.  As it turns out, my goal appears to be putting on 20 pounds.

In my zeal to achieve my goal, I may be overdoing it.  In fact, I’ve decided to implement a hard and fast rule to keep myself under control: I am strictly limiting myself to a MAXIMUM of four meals a day.  And yes, I have been enforcing it.

Not to brag about being an overachiever, but I’ve decided to accomplish a second goal (to work on between meals).  This is to invent a million dollar product and appear on Shark Tank.  I’m employing a tried and true principle of product development: “Finding a need and filling it.”  Of course, this is easier said than done.  All the really good products that I might have been able to develop in my garage during the next few weeks have already been taken – the crescent wrench, bullet trains, the Flowbee haircutting system.  I found myself stuck. 

UNTIL TODAY! 

Before you read any further, you have to promise not to rip off my idea.  Okay?

[I’m serious! Stop reading NOW if you don’t agree to keep my genius invention strictly confidential.  This is LEGALLY BINDING people!]

Here it is –

You are familiar with the “beer koozie”?  This is that soft foam sleeve that you put a can of beer into to keep it cold?  (It’s essentially a beer overcoat.)  Well, as I was laying on the couch eating ice cream straight from the container (as I am apt to do), my hand was heating up the outside of container.  This was causing, literally, a major meltdown.  So, yeah!  You got it!  A koozie for a quart of ice cream!  I am even designing it with an ergonomic handle, so it won’t accidently slip when you reach for the remote, or awkwardly stagger to your feet to go use the can.

It is important that I make one thing clear: I am NOT calling myself a hero.  I’m just a regular guy, like you, trying to enjoy a serving (one quart) of ice cream while I watch Gold Rush. 

This I pledge to you – I will not stop in my pursuit of the perfect ice cream koozie, even if I have to lie on the couch and polish off a hundred quarts of ice cream.  I am doing this for mankind.  I am doing this for YOU. 

And it appears that as a result of my dedication, I’m on target to reach that 20-pound goal. 

Got a moment?

Please do me a favor and comment and share!

Also, consider subscribing – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Pangolins Protest Negative Image, Seek New Publicist

Life has been tough on the pangolin community recently.

“It’s not bad enough that we’re being eaten,” announced a senior pangolin representative, “now, we’re being blamed for a pandemic?!  This is an outrage!”  The representative continued, “And to make matters worse, whenever someone asks what a pangolin is, they’re told we look like an armadillo.  An armadillo?  Really?”

Gone are the good old days when all the pangolins had to worry about was having their scales plucked off and being roasted to a medium rare.  Of course, they also got to enjoy the excitement of living on the brink of extinction.  According to an American Geographic article (where I stole the above picture of a pangolin), pangolins are an endangered species.

Cold-hearted author’s comment: Pangolins can’t be that tasty or the Chinese would be breeding them like chickens.  Vendors would be selling their meat on sticks to tourists next to the Great Wall.

The psychological pressure of being falsely accused of starting the pandemic is taking its toll.  Pangolin mental health professionals report a rise in pangolin suicides.  A recent press release included the following: “Not a day goes by that a young pangolin doesn’t march straight into a Wuhan restaurant kitchen and turn belly up for the taking.”  The release continues, “They simply can’t imagine a bright future for themselves or their fellow pangolin.” 

According to stories in the crushing, nonstop, “Please, Lord, let it stop,” mainstream media, bats are the true culprits.  Americans have learned a new term: “Bat Soup.”  And, no.  It has nothing to do with baseball.

Please visit the pangolin GoFundMe page to help send this worthy species on a much-needed vacation.  Their nerves are shot.  They need time to recuperate.  Even though the stock market has dropped, and your savings are so far down you’re likely to be eating dog food in retirement, surely, you can afford a little something for the pangolins.

Whether you choose to donate to the pangolin relief fund, please do them one favor.  Show them one act of dignity and respect.  PLEASE stop telling people they look like armadillos.  (Yeah, I know they really do.)

Got a moment?

Please do me a favor and comment and share!

Also, consider subscribing – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

I Was BORN To Shelter In Place

I was BORN to shelter in place.  I dream of sheltering in place.  It’s not 1832.  We’re not huddled in a freezing “Soddy” on the plains of Western Nebraska.  We’ve got Netflix, for crying out loud!

While I’m on the topic, here’s my take on the whole “hoarding” thing –

According to official verified statistics (i.e. my biased opinion), 99% of the American public is morbidly obese.  And, Lord knows, I’m doing everything I can to maintain that percentage. 

Ninety days of starvation is just what the doctor ordered.  And by “starvation,” I mean eating two meals a day instead of four.  If this virus holds up, come July, we’ll be marching around the beach like Greek Gods.

And can this be the end of handshaking?  Please?!  Can we finally put a knife in it?  I’m as old school as you can get, but the grossness of handshaking must meet its demise.

On a side note, I do not begrudge the guilt that must be plaguing every third grader home from school right now.  On one hand, he’s praying that this virus outbreak never ends.  On the other, he knows that his sudden freedom may cost his 88-year-old Nana her life.  Root for freedom or root for Nana?  What’s a third grader to do? 

As a result of all the social distancing I’ve been doing lately, I’ve had time to think about my future.  Business opportunities are exploding in my head like kernels in a popcorn popper.  One idea has risen above the rest –

A bacon store creatively called, “The Bacon Store.”

How could a store that exclusively sells bacon, and bacon-related products, possibly fail?  The only product that exceeds the attraction quotient of bacon is crack cocaine.  And bacon is LEGAL!  (Of course, it probably shouldn’t be.)

The most valuable thing I’ve learned during our challenging national emergency is the definition of “Telecommuting.”

Telecommuting: “The art of getting paid to recline on a couch in your underwear, while sounding very engaged and alert on the phone.” 

I guess I was born to shelter in place AND telecommute!

Got a moment?

Please do me a favor – comment and share!

Also, consider subscribing – It’s free!

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

And-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov