How You Can Be a Big Fat Hero in Three Easy Steps

According to Mr. Google, 71.6% of Americans are overweight.  I am one of those proud Americans.  However, I am currently on a diet.  My diet works like this:

Step 1. Wake up in the morning vowing to only eat freshly picked lettuce and cucumbers until I have lost 40 pounds.

Step 2. End the day polishing off a quart of Chunky Monkey ice cream.

Okay.  So, it might not be the best diet.

In the meantime, I have discovered a new technique which enables me to enjoy the admiration of others.  It’s very simple, and I urge my fellow 71.6% fat friends to follow my lead.

Here’s how it works:

Step 1. Place yourself in a social setting where you are surrounded by total strangers.  (This is critical – You must be around COMPLETE strangers.)

Step 2. Mingle until you find someone who looks like he or she bench presses Dusseldorfs three times a day and whose diet consists entirely of protein powder. 

Step 3. Engage this person in small talk, and when the opportunity arises, casually mention something like, “You certainly look like you know your way around the gym.” 

Here is where the magic happens.

Mr. or Ms. Athletic will answer with something along the lines of, “Yeah, I do put in a little time.”  (They’ll do this while casually sizing up your physique with thinly veiled distain.)

This is when you volunteer, “I’ve been putting some time in the gym myself lately.”

“Good for you,” they’ll say encouragingly, like a parent praising the mess of a fingerpainting their five-year-old just drug home.”

Here is where, like a bullfighter sliding his sword into the heart of an 800-pound beast, you deliver your coup de grace.

In your most casual tone, you say, “Yeah.  So far this year, I’ve lost 119 pounds.” 

Then bask in the glory as the person’s face transforms into total awe.

Here, feel free to shrug modestly.  

At this point, your next move is critical:

Get the H-E-double-toothpicks out of there and hope you never see this person again. 

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