Scientists Announce Amazing New Diet Called: “Stop eating like a pig!”

After a new “double-blind” study, scientists have announced that their “control group” of individuals who did not “eat like a pig,” lost significantly greater weight than the, “ate like a pig” group (who actually gained 7% over the three-month study).

This announcement has already sparked intense controversy in the food industry.  Scientists from Nabisco, Kellogg’s, Dunkin’ Donuts and Cinnabon have sharply criticized the study’s methodology.  Specially, they questioned why the study took 12 years to complete.

The study’s scientists have acknowledged that the delay in conducting the study may raise questions, but they explained that they ran into difficultly finding study participants.  While they found no difficulty finding volunteers willing to “eat like a pig”.  They struggled to find sufficient participants willing to forgo “eating like a pig,” for the three-month study period. 

In full humor-journalist disclosure, the author of the article, me – Jack Edwards, might be biased in reporting this study.  I have been strictly adhering to the “eat like a pig” diet for years, and now, only after my careful analysis of the underlying data from this shocking study, am I asking myself whether I’ve been gravely mistaken. 

Let’s just say, it’s a real “wake-up” call.

However, because my role as a humor journalist is no laughing matter (sadly), I have decided to reserve my final opinion on this study.

And it’s a good thing, too! 

Nabisco, in conjunction with Cinnabon, just announced their own, “eat like a pig” study.  They’ve even hired a Harvard trained nutritionist (who had, coincidently, been on the brink of personal bankruptcy) to lead the effort. 

They have already started signing up volunteers.  So far, I am very impressed with their transparency and professionalism.  They have agreed to let me act as an “embedded” journalist in one of the two study groups. They even let me pick which one.

So, I’ll see you in three months!  (And when I return, you might just find me 7% funnier!)

Please add a comment!