Tag Archives: Alaska

Why Alaskan Moose Don’t Attend Kindergarten

Every word of this story is true.  Well, almost every word of this story is true.  Okay, part of this story is true.  Okay, okay, this story was inspired by a true story (that someone told me about).  Let’s call it, “Hollywood true.”

It involves a man being abducted by aliens who conducted a series of disturbing experiments involving his….  Wait.  No. That’s not the story I was going to tell you about.  The story I was going to tell you about involves a moose.  Actually, several moose.

Dan Joling, a writer for the Associated Press, recently penned an article warning Alaskans about “grumpy moose.” One moose kicked a woman in the head while she was out feeding her chickens.  (If you’re keeping track, this is reason 185 why you should never own a chicken).  Another moose charged at some folks at an Alaskan ski resort – twice.  (Say what you will about moose – they’re persistent.)  The “take-away,” if you will, from Joling’s article is that if Alaskan moose attended kindergarten, they would come home every day with notes saying that they didn’t “work and play well with others.”

On a related note, my wife’s family has a cabin in Montana.  Here is how you get there:

Step 1.  Drive to the state of Montana.

Step 2.  Continue driving into the state at Montana’s legal speed limit of 500 miles an hour.

Step 3.  When you  reach The Middle of Nowhere, make a sharp right turn at a sign that says Fish Creek Road.

Step 4.  Continue driving for several more hours, and after bouncing along on a gravel road for three full eternities, you finally arrive – at a location where you need to continue driving for several more hours.

Step 5.  When your kidneys finally unionize and demand humane working conditions, you reach the cabin.

The cabin sits in a valley where no electronic communications exist, nor will they ever exist.  People in the darkest, most remote corners of the jungles of Borneo will have four full bars of wifi before any electronic communication penetrates this valley.  What do exist in this valley, however, are moose.  Now, I would love to tell you that these Montana moose are not grumpy like those rude Alaskan moose who keep kicking women in the head as they feed their chickens.  However, I am not in a position to do so.  This is because WE STAY AWAY FROM THE MOOSE.  My wife’s family is very large (to be precise, after the last baby was born, including cousins – the number stands at 1,383,052).  All of us, at one point or another, visit the cabin, AND THIS KEY, none of us is clinically insane (Well, there is…  No!  I’m joking!  Not a single one of us is clinically insane).  So we stay away from the moose.  We exercise a Zero Tolerance Moose Policy as it pertains to moose and all moose-related creatures.  The nuances of their personalities, therefore, remain a mystery to us, unlike, may I point out, the Chicken Lady of Homer, Alaska.  So that’s the point of my very true story.

However, now that I’ve told my moose story, on second thought, maybe I should have told you about the alien abduction instead.

The World’s Best Gift for Lawyers OR The Proper Care and Feeding of Sharks

Inscription

According to the most recent census, there is one lawyer for every man, woman, child and four-legged creature living in the continental United States.  (Alaska, of course, is the wild frontier; yes, there are lawyers in Alaska, but they limit their professional activities to officiating at duels.  And Hawaii is the Land of Aloha, and Aloha means never having to hire a lawyer.)  Disturbingly, the number of lawyers continues to increase faster than a herd of bunny rabbits loose in a Viagra factory.  (Yes, it is a “herd” of rabbits.  I always thought it was a “hutch” of rabbits, but it’s a herd.  That’s what my iPhone says, so it’s true.)  This leaves us with a problem – what to get the five lawyers we each know personally for Christmas.  The last thing you want to do is set yourself up to be sued for the common law tort of Negligent Gift Giving.  (And, sadly, we each know lawyers, perhaps close relatives, who would file that nuisance suit in a New York minute.)  Having been down that litigation road before, I am here to help.

Let me begin by ruling out a number of gifts you may so foolishly be considering.

First, forget any products using, claiming to be, or insinuating that they are associated with shark skin.  Especially, shark skin belts.  No, it’s not clever or cute.  And it’s about as original as grandma giving Johnny that t-shirt that says:  “My grandma went to Aruba, and all she got me was this lousy t-shirt.”  Besides, have you priced a shark skin belt?  Ouch.  Find me a lawyer worth that.  I’d want to put him on retainer immediately.

Second, refrain from the tired pen and pencil set.  Sorry, yes it’s cheaper than a shark skin belt, but it’s equally as trite.  It also sends a clear message:  “I refuse to put any thought into this gift, at all.”  A pen and pencil set is in the box of chocolates category.  And you might as well throw that pencil in the trash.  He will.  Nobody uses pencils anymore.

Without further ado, here it is.  The answer to your problems.

[WARNING:  The remainder of this column is an info-laughable.

Info-laughable (in-fo-laf-able), n.  a humorous entertainment designed to be amusing, but also to shamelessly promote a commercial product.]

So, we have arrived at our destination.  The world’s best gift for lawyers.  Drumroll, please….

An inspirational book.

No, not a hardback (Don’t be crazy.  Do you know what a hardback costs these days?).  A paperback.  An uplifting read.  One that comes to mind is The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the Legal Wilderness

http://www.amazon.com/The-Lawyers-Song-Navigating-wilderness/dp/1608443248

You’ll laugh.  You’ll cry.  You’ll thank God you’ve scratched that lousy chore off your list.  And according to 60 Minutes, Amazon will now deliver it by next-day drone.  But remember that the most important thing about presenting any lawyer with a book – the inscription.  Don’t make a costly mistake.  I suggest the following heartfelt sentiment:

“Dearest [fill in name of blood sucker],

I hope you will find sufficient inspiration within these pages to brace you through the stressful year ahead, where few truly appreciate the necessary work you do.  But, please, I beg of you, do not bill me by the tenth of the hour to read this gift!”