By Jack Edwards
“Life is hard, and then you die.” This is today’s inspirational topic. While I tend to be a cockeyed optimist, there is a certain amount of truth to this worn-out statement. Life is filled with difficulties – death, unfair taxes, but worst of all, a little something called “Spring Forward.” This is a hellish government plot to steal an hour of our lives each March. And this, of course, leads to “Black Monday.”
Why, we ask, does the government heap this misery on us when we already face so many other hardships? For example, take “Suggested Posts” on Facebook. Where is the government to protect us from those? “Suggested Posts” are like the Facebook version of that irritating neighbor who keeps dropping by uninvited. (Related side note: This grief does not apply to Jocularious.com. In fact, now would be a great time to share this post on Facebook. And by “now,” I’m referring to “right now” as in, “this very moment.” We thank you for your cooperation.)
I don’t spring well. Never have. Back in my high school PE class (which should really be called “PA” for “physical activity” – and very little of that) my less than energetic PE teacher (read that: worked on crossword puzzles on his clipboard while we physically educated ourselves) would have these “units” on various sports. I don’t recall a unit on gymnastics, but during gymnastics season we’d horse around on the equipment which the gymnastic people so kindly left out in the open so that we could engage in what I must emphatically describe as Completely Unsupervised life threatening activities. The good news is that no one ever sustained permanent paralysis. Talk about a lesson. This whole “pommel horse” thing is about two light years harder than it looks. It’s like running full speed into the side of a midsized Toyota. But I digress. My fascinating original point is that this was when I first realized I didn’t spring well. I lack a penchant for springing.
On a related topic, not only don’t I spring, I don’t even like to use a ladder. I have slowly come to agree with my sister, who I will refer to as “Sandie” because her real name is Alicia, but she goes by Sandie. My sister Alicia who goes by Sandie takes a very vocal position that middle-aged men don’t belong on ladders because they don’t have the same agility they had in their younger years, but they are sadly too stupid to know it. Having learned this lesson the hard way, I am now one of her “anti middle-aged men on ladders” disciples. In fact, I’m thinking of picketing Home Depot with a sign that depicts the outline of a potbellied man placing his foot on the first rung of a ladder with one of those circles with a line slashed through it.
As much as I abhor “Spring Forward,” I’m a huge fan of “Fall Back.” Love, love , LOVE the “Fall Back.” And, I have never met anyone who feels differently.
So here’s my idea. We repeal the stupid “Spring Forward – Fall Back” law, and replace it with a new MODIFIED “Fall Back” law. Every weekend, we would set the clock back one hour. We’ll head off to work each Monday as refreshed as if we’d spent the weekend at a spa. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Wait, doesn’t that mean during part of the year it would be dark all day?’ Yes. But hey, most of us are inside all day anyway.
And I have a great plan to promote my idea. We’ll all pool our money and purchase “Suggested Posts” on Facebook. People will love them.