By Jack Edwards

 Every year, I delay putting up the Christmas lights on the outside of my house, and every year, a very important person who will remain nameless (my wife) lovingly suggests that this may be due to my laziness. This is emphatically Not True. No one enjoys untangling lights in freezing temperatures and risking his life hanging from a shaky aluminum ladder more than I do, especially while important sporting events are playing in my warm living room. Yes, to the untrained eye, this may appear to be laziness, but it is actually my use of a carefully calculated, four-part formula to determine the precise date and time to enjoy this special holiday tradition.

The time honored test to determine when to put down the remote control and march out into the elements to once again “celebrate” this particular aspect of the “Magic of Christmas” is as follows:

One. “Preserve precious resources.” I don’t want to get too technical and start throwing around a lot of high tech mumbo-jumbo, so stop me if I start to lose you, but Christmas lights require copious amounts of “electricity.” And the production of electricity consumes vast quantities of precious resources, and by “precious resources,” of course, I mean my money. The longer I wait, the more I am able to “sustain” my resources.

Two. “Put others first.” Remember, it’s not all about you. It’s not all about your needs. Be the first to step up and be an inspiration to others. Somewhere out in your neighborhood is a home that is not adorned with Christmas lights. In that home is a guy sitting in his Lazy Boy with a cold beverage and a bag of chips tuned into SportsCenter. Think about that guy.  How is he going to feel when he sees you outside putting up your Christmas lights? Think about the pressure and needless stress you’ll be inflicting on this poor soul. Every day you delay putting up your lights is a precious gift to this man. It’s called the Golden Rule folks. Start obeying it!

Three. “Celebrate the sweet sound of your wife’s voice.” In the history of the universe, no guy has ever, not one single time, even considered putting up the Christmas lights without his wife telling him. The only exception to this is…. Actually, there is no exception to this. And if you are like me, the sound of your wife’s voice is like sweet nectar. You crave it even more than Sour Cream flavored Pringles. You simply can’t get enough of it. If you also deeply love your wife, then you, like me, delay putting up the lights, not because you’re lazy, but because you love your wife too much to do anything that will lessen the pleasure you receive hearing her remind you, again, and again, and AGAIN, to put up the ever-blasting Christmas lights already! This is referred to as the “pleasure factor.”

Four. “Let the pie settle.” God wants us to celebrate the true meaning of the holidays. That’s why He created Black Friday. Nothing induces reflective thought more than storming over the top of less hardy shoppers who have fallen in our path as we rush forward in a blood-quest to save 35 percent on a high definition television. It’s right there in the Bible. So, here’s the rule: If there is still meat on the carcass of your Thanksgiving Day turkey, it’s too early for Christmas lights.

Taking all four factors carefully into account, and double checking my math, I was able to determine the optimum date to put up my Christmas lights within a one-day margin of error. That date is December 27th.