By Jack Edwards
When trendsetting Americans think of weight loss, they think of three things: Diet, Exercise and, of course, Caffeine-infused underwear. Well, at least they used to think of caffeine-infused underwear, until the Federal Trade Commission gave the companies marketing these undies an atomic wedgie two weeks ago. (FTC motto: “We spend billions saving people from their bone-numbing stupidity.”)
According to this VERY TRUE, ACTUAL QUOTE from an Associated Press article: “The Federal Trade Commission announced Monday that two companies – Norm Thompson Outfitters of Oregon and Wacoal America Inc. of New Jersey – have agreed to refund $1.5 million to consumers who bought “shapewear” that supposedly can reduce cellulite and fat because it is infused with caffeine, vitamin E and other things.”
That’s a lot of undies, infused or otherwise.
If you still don’t believe this is true, Google it on your phone. It’ll take you three-quarters of a nanosecond to confirm the disturbing accuracy of this underwear scandal, or as I have so cleverly, and capitalistically copyrighted: “Undie-Gate.”
While I admittedly lack a formal education in the field of infused underwear, I think I know where the developers of this underwear went tragically awry. They picked the wrong breakfast-related ingredient. My answer – strawberry jam. Everybody loves strawberry jam. As podcast superstar Adam Corolla keeps yammering on about, restaurants put an equal number of single serving strawberry jam containers on the tables as they do, for example, grape or mixed fruits, but you can never find any of the strawberry jam ones because those are what everybody wants. All you can every find are the lousy grape. So this obviously makes my point that strawberry jam would translate brilliantly to the underwear infusion industry.
In any event, the FTC is hanging caffeinated underwear out to dry.
The AP said that neither of the companies it mentioned in the article could be reached for comment. However, the AP did acknowledge that it had an unsubstantiated report from an anonymous source, that the CEO of Norm Thompson was unavailable for comment because his fifth grade granddaughter was currently lecturing him on the basic elements of human physiology, which lecture concluded with a sentence containing the word “bonehead.”
The AP article also including the following: “The Federal Trade Commission is accepting public comment on the proposed settlement until Oct. 29.” It’s unlikely too many people will be beating down the doors of the FTC to provide comment, in that said aggrieved consumers would have to admit that they had the IQ of sauerkraut to have bought the garments in the first place (then again, maybe these “target audience” consumers WON’T make this connection).
In the meantime, I’m not waiting until October 29th to move forward on the patent of my strawberry jam infused underwear. My marketing plan is going to lay waste to every big underwear tycoon in North America, including competitors, such as Mr. B. V. Dees and Ms. Fruit O. Loom. I’ll let you in on it, if you promise to keep your big yaps shut until I spring it on the unsuspecting public. I’m going to hire the most world renowned chemist and the most world renowned nutritionist. Then I’m going to have them stand in front of a giant photo of sexy models wearing my strawberry jam infused underwear. I’ll have them smile warmly, yet in a professionally confident manner, while reading this script:
Famous Chemist: “Strawberry jam infused underwear….”
Famous Nutritionist, completing the sentence: “… just as effective at helping you lose those extra pounds as traditional caffeine-infused underwear.”
Talk about truth in advertising. Try to hit me 1.5 million for that, Mr. FTC.