By Jack Edwards
The first step in selling a home is for the owner to hand over the keys of his three bedroom, two bath ranch to a real estate agent who then floods the market with ads describing it as the Palace of Versailles. Real estate agents know that the average homebuyer is looking for a sweeping estate, complete with covered portico, vaulted entry and a guest wing, but sadly can only afford a refrigerator box with aluminum windows. This is why agents occasionally (always) do some mild puffing (flagrant lying) when describing a property. Below is a helpful list of real estate marketing terms and their definitions:
1. “Enjoy the tranquility” = Enjoy sitting in traffic during your daily commute.
Start looking for a used Prius now, because the distance to whatever little Appalachia outside your city limits where this home is located is going to be grinding.
2. “Breathtaking view” = You can’t afford it.
In fact, don’t finish reading the rest of the ad. You’re just torturing yourself. Let’s face it, the only view you’re going to get is one overlooking your neighbor’s unkempt above-ground pool.
3. “Must see interior” = Disregard the squalid eyesore of an exterior with all the curb appeal of a mud hut.
B.U.R.P. (the Bureau of Unified Real estate Professionals) requires that this phrase be included in any advertisement for a home which might otherwise be mistaken from the street as the local solid waste management facility.
4. “Walk to shopping” = Bring your earplugs to prevent hearing damage from the 24/7 traffic noise.
You’ll also find the term “sustainable lifestyle” used liberally in ads for these properties. This is also code for “your friends will have to park a mile and a half away because your new place is tucked in tighter than a tick in a pig’s ear.” Key word for your new housing development: Density.
5. “Light filled” = Prepare to buy Windex at Costco by the gross.
The same conversation occurs whenever one of these homes is shown:
Prospective homebuyer saying with a chuckle, “Wow, I’ll be cleaning windows all day!”
Real estate agent deflecting, “Oh, I don’t think it’ll take that much time.” And then quickly adding gaily, “I’ll come over and help you! Ha, ha!” A line of saliva sliding down the corner of her mouth in anticipation of finally unloading this albatross.
6. “Efficiency Condo”* = Bathe, wash your dishes in the kitchen sink, and watch your favorite sitcom all from the comfort of your “living area.”
*See also, “Cozy” = All the spatial freedom of a hen in an egg factory.
7. “Unique” = Run!
Mankind has spent eons strategically moving up the homeowner ladder from caves, to huts to well-insulated, temperature controlled, comfortable environments. That’s what you want. “Unique” is code for the introduction of some sort of cave-like element into an otherwise (and I say this with all sensitivity) Normal house. Go with normal.
By the way, did I mention that I just put my house up for sale? It’s a beautiful property with a sweeping view (of my neighbor’s compost pile). It has a “feeling of spaciousness” (which is amazing since it has the square footage of a Walmart “do-it-yourself” storage shed – in fact, at one point, it may have been a Walmart storage shed). You’ll enjoy many of the unique features (such as a broken kitchen exhaust fan and the Russian roulette garage door which responds to the remote one out of three tries). Hurry! Two other couples have expressed Very Serious interest, so you should Race down and make an offer Immediately.