By Jack Edwards
It strikes without warning. One moment a young man is, for example, standing on the precipice of the Grand Canyon. He gazes out over the awe-inspiring vista. Eons of history lie before him – thought provoking proof that the gentle force of water in unison with time can carve an almost unimaginably beautiful sculpture. More an experience than a view, a sight to make even the most strident atheist consider the existence of a universal creator. But, time for all that later. The young man has priorities. He pops out his cell phone and turns around to snap off several selfies. In a few of them, you can almost identify the backdrop behind his grinning face as one of world’s major wonders.
You might think that this self-absorbed behavior is a product of the current “me” generation. You would be RIGHT! But like your crabby high school English teacher, I am only able to award you partial credit. Any archaeologist worth his salt knows that cavemen invented the selfie. But it was slow to take off because: 1. Everybody’s selfie looked identical – a circle with two dots for eyes, and 2. Internet speeds were very slow back then, so they had to go and convince their caveman friends to actually walk over to their cave to admire it. If you ask any Ph.D. in Art History to take a moment from mopping the floor at Starbucks, they’ll tell you that the “Father of the Selfie” was actually Vincent van Gogh. One of the greatest myths perpetuated on the western world is that van Gogh cut off his ear during a psychotic episode. No. He cut off his ear while accidently backing up into a threshing machine while attempting to sketch a quick selfie. His most celebrated selfie, of course, is titled “Self-Portrait Holding a Possum,” which launched the selfie renaissance of the Mid-19th Century.
The selfie craze has now hit critical mass. Even the staunchest libertarians now agree that federal legislation is needed. Bi-partisan support is building in Congress for a bill that would require everyone to obtain a “selfie license” before posting a selfie online. The goal is to reduce the following unfortunate occurrences:
- Duckface selfies (this is sooo 2013)
- Overly-smug selfies (often with the subject’s smirking mug framed by an exotic location)
and, of course,
3. Naked selfies (although, admittedly, this would make a great name for a band – “Now, taking the stage, The Naked Selfies!)
So please, urge your representatives and senators to support this much needed legislation. Remember, the embarrassing selfie you save could be your own.
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