How You Can Win at Powerball

Most of us have dreamed of winning PowerBall.  We’ve dreamed of luxury automobiles.  We’ve dreamed of palatial estates.  We’ve dreamed of first-class travel to exotic locations.  And, of course, we’ve dreamed of changing our names to hide from our shyster relatives.

By the way, I just discovered Microsoft Word drank the “woke” Kool-Aid.  I found this out a moment ago when I typed the word “shyster.”  When I typed that word, here’s what popped up on the screen –

Take a pill, Microsoft Word!  All I want from YOU is Spellcheck!  (And, by the way, let me take this opportunity to express my deepest gratitude for Spellcheck, because, as many of my readers know, I am a product of Alsea Elementary School System.)

But I digress… back to PowerBall.

Believe it or not, there is a surefire method to win.  This method takes intelligence, focus, and most importantly, self-control.  SO, PAY ATTENTION IN THE BACK ROW! 

Here is the fundamental question: Do you have a burning desire to win at PowerBall?  I mean deep down – into the marrow of your bones?

If the answer is “yes,” keep reading.

Memorize this three-stop process:

(Do not, under any circumstances, skip any of the following steps.)

Step One: Locate a PowerBall vending machine.  If you can, find one at a small “mom and pop” grocery.  (If the store has a bin at the front counter filled with beef jerky that’s been sitting there fossilizing since WWII, you’ve found the right place.)

Step Two: Pull two one-dollar bills out of your pocket.  Snap them a couple of times to get the wrinkles out. 

(The final step is critical.  Pay strict attention!)

Step Three: Carefully, oh so carefully, slide the two one-dollar bills BACK INTO YOUR POCKET. 

The odds of winning PowerBall are 1 in 300 million.

By comparison, the odds of getting attacked by an alligator are 1 in 3 million – and that’s only if you live in Florida!  Who knows how astronomical the odds are for those of you in Butt Pimple, Michigan!

You have a 100 times better chance of getting attacked by an alligator than winning PowerBall.  One hundred times!

Here’s what I’m trying to say –

You are better off being attacked by an alligator with two dollars in your pocket than giving those two dollars to PowerBall.  (Unfortunately, in the event you are killed by the alligator, those two bucks will be divvyed up by your shyster relatives.)

And, YES, Microsoft Word, I’m well aware that “the use of this word may be offensive to [my] reader.”