Nothing Says Society is Reopening Quite Like a Bite on the Ass by an Unsocialized “Pandemic Puppy”

Things are finally opening up!  We can resume our lives!  We can stroll through shops.  We can host cocktail parties.  And, most refreshingly, we can flee from all the “pandemic puppies” who’ve been raised in isolation.  Puppies who have developed all the social skills of Jeffrey Dahmer. 

I don’t know much about training puppies.  What little I know I learned from Cesar Millan’s book, Cesar’s Way.  I read it cover to cover, and I came away from it convinced of one thing: There’s a real possibility that Cesar is actually a dog. Okay, what I really learned was that the best thing you can do for a puppy is to let him meet as many people as possible.  Take him to the park.  Let people fawn all over him.  Introduce him to everyone you know.  Even people who do not want to meet him, people who hate dogs, people who are allergic to dogs.  Especially, people who are allergic to dogs.  (Just kidding – do NOT introduce him to people who are allergic to dogs, only people who hate dogs.)  (Just kidding, again! – A little canine humor.)

These pandemic puppies have NOT been fawned over by hordes of dog lovers.  They have not been paraded about town to meet friends, relatives and unwilling strangers.  Let’s put it this way, remember that old movie from the 70’s about the “Bubble Boy” who couldn’t have human contact because he lacked an immune system?  Well, Bubble Boy was practically a socialite compared to these pandemic puppies. 

My daughter got a pandemic puppy.  His name is Melvin.  That’s him holding the ball in the picture.  Melvin spent the first six months of his life growling at anyone who that the temerity to walk past her apartment.  Melvin developed all the warm and welcoming qualities one might expect from your average wildebeest.

If I were a doctor who really wanted to cash in on my four years of medical school where I spent 16 hours a day learning how to listen to pharmaceutical representatives tell me what pills to prescribe, I would immediately open a dog bite reconstructive surgery clinic.  (I’m not even kidding. Brace yourself. It’s going to be Dog Bite City all over this country.)

The point I’m trying to make is that if you spot one of these adorable puppies walking down the street and think for even a moment about bending down to pet it, stop and ask yourself how much you really value the first two digits of your index finger.  Unless, of course, your name is Cesar Millan. 

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