Good News for Those Bothered by Nasal Covid Tests – The New Anal Test is Now Available

As a “survivor” of multiple colonoscopies, I feel qualified to chime in on the new Anal Covid Swab Test that is supposed to be more accurate than the far less exciting nasal swab test.  Yeah, I know we’re supposed to reserve the term “survivor” to use in “cancer survivor,” “military battle survivor,” and the hit CBS reality show, “Survivor.”  However, as a veteran of multiple “incursions” by trained medical professionals into my southern corridor, I feel entitled.

While most Americans are aghast at the idea of undergoing the Anal Swab procedure, you might be surprised to learn that within the Chinese culture, those asked to submit to this test are AGHAST at the idea of undergoing an Anal Swab Test!  But, hey, it’s China!  Bend over, or you might wake up in a Uyghur summer camp, if you get my drift. 

I can tell you right now that there are people in the US who would jump at the chance to take an Anal Swab Test.  For example –

1. People who wear their mask while walking alone in a one hundred acre park. 

2. People who wear their mask while driving alone.  (Yes, I know sometimes people forget to take them off when they leave the store.  Not those people.  Those people are normal.)

3. People who march up to strangers to announce that their face shields are killing people.  (True story – I saw a guy driving his “Little Rascal” scooter up to a lady in a BiMart parking lot.  Boy, did he let her have it.  What a hero.)

The name of this test might give you the impression that the procedure would be awkward and humiliating.  However, your first impression would be wrong.  In actuality, the procedure is awkward, humiliating and INVASIVE!  Take a look at this quote from an article published in The Hill, titled, “China Uses Anal Swabs to Test for Covid-19.” The procedure is described as follows:

“The test can involve inserting a swab about one to two inches into the (you know what) to gather a sample.” 

For the sake of journalistic accuracy and integrity, I must clarify that the article did not use the term, “you know what.”  It was far more medically accurate.

If this test ever hits the US, I think the only way Americans will accept it is if the CDC comes up with a catchy theme song to promote it.  Here’s my suggestion.  It’s an oldie but a goodie, and it goes something like this –

“Head… shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes.  Head… shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes!”

But in the version that the CDC uses, the song would freeze on the last word, “toes,” and a voice over would announce in a friendly tone, “And… hold.”

3 thoughts on “Good News for Those Bothered by Nasal Covid Tests – The New Anal Test is Now Available

Please add a comment!