BREAKING NEWS —
The Administration is now considering sweeping new regulations limiting the number of toilet paper squares allowed per bathroom visit. This is the next phase of the Administration’s aggressive effort to combat climate change. The square limit has not yet been determined.
Anonymous sources close to the administration have disclosed that the they are awaiting the release of a Yale University study to determine the acceptable number of squares. It is still unknown whether the Yale study employed the use of two-ply tissue, or the less popular single-ply. According to one source, the current draft of the regulations does not specify any particular ply or thickness.
The Administration is bracing for anticipated backlash over the progressive new law. It is also sensitive to whether the new law should differentiate the number of squares allowed by gender.
Lobbyists for the paper products’ industry have expressed alarm. The paper conglomerates immediately initiated a campaign to encourage customers to call their representatives to oppose the new regulations. The new, “Hands Off My Bottom!” initiative is scheduled to launch later this week.
Hard line progressives are urging the administration to stand strong. One progressive New York House Representative proclaimed, “They use bidets in France and Japan. Why are we allowing people to use any toilet paper at all? The earth will be uninhabitable in 8.5 years unless we take this bold step.”
The President was asked about this issue at today’s press conference and stated emphatically, “Look, if you like your toilet paper, you’ll get to keep your toilet paper.” A young female in the back of the conference room was heard yelling over the crowd, “How dare you!” Secret Service agents swiftly escorted her out, and reportedly, back to her sailboat.
When stopped for comment on the Washington Mall and asked about the proposed regulations, Wally Carmichael, a tourist from Eugene, Oregon, responded in surprise. “Seriously?,” he said. “The number of squares I can use to wipe my a**? And I bet they’re going to create a new federal department to enforce it.”
“Oh well,” Carmichael added, shrugging in resignation, “if this saves the life of even one polar bear cub, I guess it’ll be worth the sacrifice.”
Later in the day, the Administration announced the creation of the new, “Bathroom Monitor Administration.” The new BMA will be the government’s ‘boots on ground.’ “However,” the announcement continued, “it will be patriotic Americans who we are counting on to really put the BM in the BMA.”