An Introduction to the Shocking and Mysteriously Dangerous World of Bible Study

In my youth, it seems like I was always doing something dangerous.  I climbed to the tippy top of tall trees.  I drove jalopies with shiny bald tires and paper-thin brake pads down steep mountain roads.  And perhaps most dangerously, I would tell women who asked me whether a dress made them look fat – THE TRUTH!  However, I have long since settled into a far more sedate lifestyle.  Now, my idea of “living on the edge” is eating week-old pizza.

Recently, this all came to a crashing end.  Before I explain, let me say that I am someone who believes people should take responsibility for their own actions.  And I like to practice what I preach.  So, let me be the first to say that the only person I have to blame for my current circumstance … is my pastor.

For the purposes of this column, I will refer to my pastor as “Steve.”  Because his name is Steve Hill. 

Steve’s been encouraging our congregation to read the Bible on a daily basis. 

Don’t get me wrong, I lie about reading the Bible as well as the next guy.  But Steve’s really been on a roll lately.  So, I decided to step it up. 

I have read the Bible before, but it’s been awhile since I’ve read the beginning.  In fact, it’s been so long that I’d forgotten how super X-rated it is.

If you haven’t read the Old Testament, brace for impact!  But, like all those pharmaceutical commercials advise – consult with your doctor before you begin.  Only read it while sitting in a chair where you can safely faint.  And keep a cold beverage within reach – an ADULT beverage.

Here are some examples of what I’m talking about (and this is just at the beginning!) –

Example 1.  A man named Lot has a wife who disobeys some angels.  As a result, she TURNS INTO A PILLAR OF SALT! (Can you even imagine what her doctor told her about her sodium level?)

Example 2.  God commands Abraham to KILL his son Isaac, AND Abraham comes within a NANOSECOND of actually doing it!  The kid is already tied up and laying on a pile of wood!  (Try explaining THAT to Child Protective Services!)

Example 3.  Noah gets hammered on wine and passes out naked as a jaybird!  (They didn’t put THAT in the movie!) And I’m not even going to tell you what Noah does when he wakes up the next day, no doubt sporting a killer hangover.

And, because this is a PG column (unlike the Bible), I will spare you all the SEXUAL escapades!

Yes, the stories are riveting, but exercise caution.  And like I said before, be sure to check with your doctor before suddenly diving in.

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