In my youth, it seems like I was always doing something dangerous. I climbed to the tippy top of tall trees. I drove jalopies with shiny bald tires and paper-thin brake pads down steep mountain roads. And perhaps most dangerously, I would tell women who asked me whether a dress made them look fat – THE TRUTH! However, I have long since settled into a far more sedate lifestyle. Now, my idea of “living on the edge” is eating week-old pizza.
Recently, this all came to a crashing end. Before I explain, let me say that I am someone who believes people should take responsibility for their own actions. And I like to practice what I preach. So, let me be the first to say that the only person I have to blame for my current circumstance … is my pastor.
For the purposes of this column, I will refer to my pastor as “Steve.” Because his name is Steve Hill.
Steve’s been encouraging our congregation to read the Bible on a daily basis.
Don’t get me wrong, I lie about reading the Bible as well as the next guy. But Steve’s really been on a roll lately. So, I decided to step it up.
I have read the Bible before, but it’s been awhile since I’ve read the beginning. In fact, it’s been so long that I’d forgotten how super X-rated it is.
If you haven’t read the Old Testament, brace for impact! But, like all those pharmaceutical commercials advise – consult with your doctor before you begin. Only read it while sitting in a chair where you can safely faint. And keep a cold beverage within reach – an ADULT beverage.
Here are some examples of what I’m talking about (and this is just at the beginning!) –
Example 1. A man named Lot has a wife who disobeys some angels. As a result, she TURNS INTO A PILLAR OF SALT! (Can you even imagine what her doctor told her about her sodium level?)
Example 2. God commands Abraham to KILL his son Isaac, AND Abraham comes within a NANOSECOND of actually doing it! The kid is already tied up and laying on a pile of wood! (Try explaining THAT to Child Protective Services!)
Example 3. Noah gets hammered on wine and passes out naked as a jaybird! (They didn’t put THAT in the movie!) And I’m not even going to tell you what Noah does when he wakes up the next day, no doubt sporting a killer hangover.
And, because this is a PG column (unlike the Bible), I will spare you all the SEXUAL escapades!
Yes, the stories are riveting, but exercise caution. And like I said before, be sure to check with your doctor before suddenly diving in.