The final sign that the world is ending has arrived. The first sign, of course, was World War II. The second sign was the “Great Plague,” which we call the Coronavirus Pandemic. And now, at long last, the final sign is here. You have seen this sign all around you, both in print and on television. It says:
“The McRIB is Back!”
It seems fitting that a soulless multinational corporation is the one to break the news. As it turns out, the world will not end in one triumphant explosion of light and energy, but rather, incrementally – one heart attack at a time.
Speaking of heart failure, what is that goop-coated cylinder inside the McRIB bun? It’s not a rib. Just what part of the pig is it? Do they really use ALL parts of the pig?
While we’re on the subject, have you noticed that the media has announced the end of the Coronavirus Pandemic? Of course, they didn’t come right out and say it exactly like that. They were more subtle. They simply moved on to begin warning us of a new “world ending” crisis. In this case, for example, CNN announced the Coronavirus Pandemic is over with the headline (this is a REAL headline): “An invasive species of giant lizard has been making its way through the Southeast.” Below this headline, they added a picture of a creature that looks like it starred in Jurassic Park. Here it is racing toward your doorstep:
The tagline below the picture reads: “The black and white tegu lizard has few predators and can reproduce quickly.”
According to the crack CNN investigative journalist, the lizard can grow up to four feet long. To prevent the reader from becoming too alarmed (I mean who wants a four-foot-long lizard quickly reproducing in their backyard), the article includes the consoling statement, “Tegus do not pose a large threat to humans, but they can bite.”
Since CNN loves to “fact check” everything these days, I felt the need to fact check their “do not pose a large threat” statement. Here it is:
Doesn’t whether this giant lizard pose a large threat depend on where it bites a person? For example, I’m sure we can all agree that it does pose a “large threat” if it bites a guy directly on his McRIB.