How You Can Achieve 100% Success With Your New Year’s Resolution (No kidding)

Virtually every American, (99.6%), make a New Year’s resolution, and 99.5% of those resolutions are about their weight.  Sadly, a mere 36 hours later, 99.4% of these doe-eyed hopefuls are plopped on a couch polishing off a quart of Ben and Jerry’s “Chubby Hubby” ice cream.

Lucky for you, I’m here to help.  Why?  Because the Jocularious official motto is: “Practical advice on matters that matter in matters important to its loyal readers.”  (All three of them.)

The key to a good New Year’s resolution is to make sure it is one you can achieve.  When it comes to resolutions related to weight, go with the percentages.  For example, ask yourself, am I better at losing weight, or gaining weight?  Ask yourself, am I better at planning to exercise, or actually exercising?  Be honest with yourself.  Focus.  Where have you demonstrated a consistent and longstanding record of success?  Where have you excelled?  It’s that simple. 

I have used this formula for years, and based on my record of success, here are my New Year’s resolutions:

1. Gain between five and 10 pounds by Thanksgiving of 2021.

2. Complete, at a minimum, three network television reality series.

3. Tell myself at least once of week, that I should get my fat a** off the couch and go exercise (and really mean it… at that moment).

I don’t want to brag, but I have maintained an impeccable 100% success rate using this formula.  I’m even thinking about writing a book titled, New Year’s Resolutions: Your Path to Success, If Not Longevity.

I understand that many of you may be skeptical of this method.  But here is the real test – where the rubber meets the road, so to speak.  I don’t just talk the talk.  I walk the walk.  So, I will take all comers.  Put your three New Year’s resolutions up against mine, and on Thanksgiving Day, 2021, we’ll compare.  Here is my prediction:

There is a 99.4% chance that when we meet to compare our success, I’ll be sitting on my couch polishing off a quart of Chubby Hubby and raising my spoon in victory.

One thought on “How You Can Achieve 100% Success With Your New Year’s Resolution (No kidding)

  1. Great post! I hate all those ‘new year, new me’ people – they all need to calm the F down.

    All the best, Michelle (

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