Bob Grossmeyer sat at his kitchen table in Akron, Ohio, last Tuesday morning discussing the presidential election with Senior Political Reporter for Jocularious.com, Mary Sandoval. Grossmeyer, the last undecided voter in America, explained his dilemma over whether to watch the debate that night.
“Look,” he said to Sandoval, slowly and carefully choosing his words, “It’s a difficult decision. Sure, watching the debate might help me decide. But (he paused for effect), there are also several other entertaining programs on television tonight. Then, of course, there’s the option of NOT watching television. I could listen to music, or I could take a walk. I could listen to music AND take a walk. I’m sure you understand my point.”
Sandoval sat pondering the balding, middle-aged man sipping on his decaf. She left his home shortly thereafter shaking her head and praying she’d never have to spend another moment with the man.
Sandoval’s editor did not hear her prayer. He told her to follow up the next day. So, she phoned Grossmeyer to find out what he’d finally decided.
“I watched it. I watched almost all of it. Just as I was tying my shoe laces to go take a walk, I changed my mind and turned on the television. I missed the first ten minutes. Trump’s face was already red from screaming, and Biden was already repeating the phrase, ‘Come on, man!’ like a verbal Gatling gun.”
Sandoval asked Grossmeyer what he considered the most memorable moments.
“Number one has to be when Trump started making fun of Biden for wearing a mask the size of Nebraska everywhere he goes. I laughed my a** off. Hilarious. I may not know who I’m voting for yet, but I’ll tell you one thing. Love him or hate him, Trump’s fearless attitude toward the coronavirus is going to serve him well between now and the election. Mark my words.”
“Number two has to be Biden’s snappy comeback when Trump pointed out that the wife of Moscow’s mayor gave Biden’s son, Hunter, 3 ½ million dollars. Biden didn’t hesitate for a nanosecond. He fired right back: ‘Come on, man! That’s been totally debunked!’ Point, set, match, Joe Biden. Talk about putting an issue to rest. He had probably been practicing that zinger in the basement all week.”
Sandoval ask Grossmeyer if the debate helped him move any closer to a decision.
“Not an inch.”
Grossmeyer hung up the phone and walked to the refrigerator. He opened the door and stood staring intently at its contents. He stood there motionless for ten minutes. What in the world to make for dinner? If only, he could decide.