The United States Hones Down Its Choice To The Two Smartest and Most Moral Men In The Country

This week in presidential campaign news:

On the Joe Biden front –

Speaking through the drainpipe from his basement, Biden read a prepared statement to the delight of salivating news reporters hovered in his yard above.  Biden ended his remarks by anticipating reporters’ questions, though not taking any questions.  He gently questioned the wisdom of peaceful protesters plans to loot and burn down the US Capital.  He stopped short, however, of criticizing the plan.  He concluded by saying that he would understand it if the Capital were burnt to a crisp and left in a steaming, smoking pile of rubble.  He finished his remarks by saying, “Our great country was founded upon the principles of this type of peaceful protest.”

A surrogate for the Biden camp defended Biden’s policy to remain cloistered in his basement. The surrogate stated to reporters, “Please do not allow yourselves to fall victim to the right-wing taking point that Joe Biden is hiding in his basement.  Joe has been trying to leave his basement for weeks.  This is NOT his fault.  It’s just that he can’t find the door.” 

On the Donald Trump front –

The Trump campaign decided this week to apply the, “If you can’t beat them, join them,” policy.  Trump took direct aim with yet another memorable quote, “I have a basement too!  And my basement is bigger, much, MUCH, bigger, than Joe Biden’s.  I could host a regulation NFL game in my basement.  It’s that big!”

Trump surrogates spent the balance of the week defending Trump’s claim by emailing diagrams of the White House basement to reporters overlaid with a sketch of the Dallas Cowboy’s AT&T Stadium.  They conceded that the height of the basement’s ceiling would prevent field goals but were otherwise unapologetic.

With just over 100 days until the election, the two warring camps continue to pound away at one another. 

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for newly announced presidential candidate Kanye West released a statement saying that the West campaign was scheduled to release a diagram of Kanye’s basement by the end of next week.